After overhearing the doctor talk to another family about their baby and how good the baby is doing, you know it's not a good sign when the doctor makes his way over to where you are and stands there for what feels life forever while he tries to think of something to say. Unfortunately I got to experience just that today. Finally I couldn't take the grim silence anymore and just said, "I'm glad his CO2 is down," at the same time he said, "There's really nothing to say." I'm sure these doctors want to be able to come over to our NICU spot and say things like, "He's made a lot of progress (in a day)," or "I expect him to be ready to move from the NICU in x days," or "we took your little one of the ventilator today." But those words don't fit our situation. I don't expect them to have gushing news. I can see the settings on the vent, I can look at the x rays, I can see how sick you are, I can. But it's hard not to burst into tears when the doctor can't even muster something positive.
They have a tough profession and I don't envy them in circumstances where the odds are stacked against someone. The thing is, we don't need odds. Odds have nothing to do with our Heavenly Father's plan for you, Caleb. His ways are higher than our ways. Sometimes I wish I could look at our situation and see what He sees. Because when I am sobbing in the parking lot or the closet, or while I hold you in my arms wondering what the future holds it's hard to get past the heartache of the last 9 months. If you could feel how much I love you, you would know why it's so hard. Even though I trust Heavenly Father and his plan for you, Caleb, it doesn't make it easy to get through things. Even though I know that He knows what is best for His children it's so hard on my heart. He knows that the love I have for you makes it worth it though and that is enough. This is all worth it. I wouldn't change you in our family for anything in the world. Look at your angelic face...
You're beautiful. You're a fighter. You are our little champion.
Just as the Doctor has a hard time coming up with words today, I have a hard time finding words for a different reason. The are no words that would do justice for the gratitude I have for all the people that have served and continue to serve our family. We are forever grateful for those that love, serve, and pray for our family.
xoxo
Mom
That breaks my heart. But then again, you are looking to a higher power for answers, and not the doctors. And I'm sure it breaks their hearts, too, because how could you not fall in love with these sweet little cherubs of the NICU? It's about trust, which is something I have found is super duper hard. God knows what He is doing, and He provides comfort through Christ. You can do hard things…you are doing them now! Love you lots!!!
ReplyDeleteMichelle said that so beautifully. Many of her comments have resonated with me, and I, too am so grateful for all the family and friends who share their love and insight with you and all of us who love you. I have been especially touched by people who haven't met you who care deeply about Caleb and your family. You are surrounded by love, Leah.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your sweet comments and all you do for Leah and Zeb. I am so grateful for Leah and for your family…you have the best children! I'm so glad Zeb married one of them.
DeleteI love you Leah. So much. So so much. I am constantly thinking of you, praying for you and Caleb... always Caleb. I am so happy his CO2 numbers are in his normal range again. I am so proud of you. I am constantly inspired by your faith and trust. You strengthen my faith. I miss you so much. Feels like years ago I spent the week sleeping in your hospital room. As hard as that week was it makes me happy...shaving your legs will alwaye be a favorite memory.... I have never seen your legs so hairy. I love you, Leah Lou. Always have, always will. Your faith is changing lives. I am so sorry this is so hard. How I wish I could have cried with you in the parking lot yesterday. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxooxoxoxo I love you to heaven and back. Tell Caleb I love him.
ReplyDeleteAng
Not sure why the spacing went so weird.... :)
ReplyDeleteI tried to leave a comment before and someone it didn't show up. Hopefully this one will.
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog since your water broke with Caleb. A month and a half ago my sister in law has had a similar experience as you. Her water broke at 19 weeks 6 days. And she delivered her little miracle at 23 weeks 6 days. Her little guy was 2 pounds 2.9 ounces at birth. He is a little fighter. They didn't expect him to live through the night, but he is doing better than expected. He has his challenges to face as well. My SIL is in Fort Worth with no family around and 5 little kids at home, and a husband who is starting up a new business.
My prayers are going out to both your families and your little boys.
Oh my goodness! You SIL does have a fighter there. What a miracle. My heart goes out to her. Oh my goodness it does. I will pray for her as well. She has a lot of people to take care of and the stress of a new business. Bless her heart. Thank you for following our story, not sure how you stumbled upon it but we are so very grateful for the support and prayers.
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