11 weeks old

You are 11 weeks old. You've been in the NICU for 77 days. You had a rough morning even though you were back on the ventilator. You were having bronchial spasms where your oxygen saturation would drop way low and you'd start turning blue. It was terrifying and incredibly stressful. When babies go back on the ventilator they typically need more support the first day or two and then settle back in. When they increased your oxygen it seemed to help with those spasms, thank goodness. 

Here's what I got to see when I got to the hospital...

You opened your eyes and just looked around and right at me at times. You didn't do that on CPAP. You were always sleeping or agitated. You seem more restful again. It's amazing that the swelling in your eyes, nose and face is already gone. It's nice to see you more comfortable. You just need to rest and grow. Rest up buddy. 

I'm exhausted so I'm heading to bed. 

Xoxo

Mom

Rough few days

You've had a hard few days sweet boy of mine. Well, harder than usual. Your lung is having a harder time inflating and you needed 100 percent oxygen a few times and through most of the night. Your nose keeps bleeding from those prongs and you are needing meds to calm you down quite a bit. It's so hard to see you upset. My mother heart might burst. The doctor called this morning and said they are going to re intubate you. They're going to put a tube in with a cuff so you're air leak won't be as extensive. Daddy and I feel like this is the best for you and are so proud of you for fighting so hard on CPAP. You are one tough boy and we want what is best for you. Whatever route that is. 

This was how you were sleeping yesterday when I came to see you...

I will miss seeing your lips and chubby cheeks, hearing you sneeze and cough. But now I get to see your hair and jowels again. I'd better go so I can get to the hospital and see you. We are praying for you sweet boy. 

Couldn't be prouder.

Xoxo

Mom

P.S. Let's hope I don't get pulled over and yelled at during rush hour. 

Bless your heart

After I left yesterday dad was watching on the webcam and noticed you buried your face in the crib mattress. You knocked the tubing so hard into your nose that you gave yourself a bloody nose and the sides came unhooked. He called and they cleaned you up and replaced everything. Oh sweet boy! You poor thing. 

Your morning seemed to start off a bit tough but by the time I got there you had settled down. I just love to hold your hand and be by you. I want to scoop you up in my arms every time I see you. I would love to just crawl in bed beside you but your crib isn't big enough. 

Your NICU neighbor got to try nursing for the first time. I don't know if it was successful or not but that's really exciting for them. I hope I get to nurse you one day. I had a dream the other night. You were home and me, you, and dad were just hanging out. You were just chillin on our bed wide eyed and curious. I was able to nurse you for a minute. Then we bathed you in a real bath tub. I told zeb how wonderful it was for the hospital to let us bring you home for a little bit. And then I looked at zeb and said, "what if this is a dream? What if he's really still at the hospital?" Daddy said it's nice to have things feel good like this because it's been so hard seeing you in the hospital. I thought we should call the hospital to check on you even though you were there with us. And then I was right. It was a dream and I was starting to wake up. It was beautiful to have those feelings even if it was just a dream. When I told dad I had had a dream I didn't want to end he said, "Go take some NyQuil and go back to bed." :) 

So manybabies have come in the NICU and graduated to special care. I used to cry because I wanted it to be your turn but one day I decided that regardless of their story or how hard their NICU stay has or hasn't been it's a wonderful thing for that family. It's beautiful and wonderful and should be celebrated. Their family has longed for that day and it does my heart more good to be excited for them. Sonetines I have to remind myself more than others but I try really hard. 

When I got up at 3:30 to pump last night I checked in on you. I love having the webcam. I'm so so so grateful the NICU has it. Here's what I saw:

Oh how I love you. 

This was how you were sleeping when I got to the hospital today. 

Here's the onesie the nurse dressed you in today. And you ARE tough like daddy. 

Today marks a week on CPAP. You are one tough boy! I left the hospital quickly when I stated feeling nauseous. I was so worried I had a bug but now that's it's been several hours and I have a raging headache, I think it's a migraine. 

Well little mister I'm going to go to bed. I love you more than you'll ever know.

Xoxo

Mom

P.S. You broke 7 pounds on your due date! Way to go sweet boy! 

Where you came from

Before you were born you lived in Heaven with Heavenly Father.  We are all his spirit children. In order for you, and all of us, to be like heavenly father and enjoy all the blessings he enjoys, it is necessary to come to earth and gain a body. To experience life and decide for ourselves which path we want to follow, good or evil. Agency is given to us to make our own decisions and choices and show Heavenly Father where our hearts truly lie. As part of our test on earth, when we are born, we forget life before we came. We don't remember heaven and we must rely on faith instead of sight. Families are a part of Heavenly Fathers plan. We are sent here on earth to live together as Families. To grow together and help each other. If we live righteously and use our agency to make good choices we can live with each other and Heavenly Father again.

However, we all make mistakes. Because of those sins and mistakes we wouldn't be allowed into Heavenly Fathers presence again. But our Father in Heaven loves us so much that He sent his only begotten son, Jesus Christ, to suffer and atone for our sins. To play the role of mercy and be our mediator. Through his grace and mercy we can seek forgiveness. As we rely on the atonement of Jesus Christ we come to recognize that He is the one that can help us endure our trials, our sickness, our heartaches, and our pain. Not only does he make it so that we can repent of our sins but he also suffered our heartaches and knows how to succor us. When we are given trials He will always be there to comfort us, if we seek Him. There will always be trials. Since we can't walk through life knowing what lies ahead, we are required to walk by faith instead of sight.

Caleb, this trial is so hard. It seems there are days I don't know how I can bear it any longer.  When I left the hospital today I cried harder than I ever have when leaving you. Today is your due date. I warned you there would be tears, and I didn't disappoint. I can't tell you how much I want to bring you home. It's been almost 5 months that someone in our family has been in the hospital. You alone have been in the hospital over 70 days. I want your sisters to meet you. I want to hold you and take care of you. But I know that part of life is enduring our trials, even really hard ones. Unfortunately we wouldn't know joy if we didn't experience pain. This trial has taught me many things. I am trying my hardest to endure this trial and so is daddy. I want you to know that you were meant to be in our family. Heavenly Father sent you to us for a reason. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to be your mother. So grateful that after thinking we were done with kids Heavenly Father sent you to us. I am grateful for our Savior and his role in our lives. For the hope He gives to each of us. For the strength He gives me to keep going. For the comfort and peace only He can give. I love you, baby boy.

Your sisters picked me flowers on their way home from school, love them. 

Sweet friends decorated our door and another brought my signature chocolate. 

Hang in there sweet boy. We love you. So many love you. 

Xoxo

Mom

Numbers

Well little big guy you're up to 6 pounds 15.5 ounces! Yesterday you had your lowest percent oxygen on CPAP! You got down to 42 which is incredible. Three days ago you pooped 4 dirty diapers (3 diapers in one shot after a sopository). 

I love spending time with you. So does your daddy. Unfortunately when we were visiting you tonight you had a rough time. You were at 67 percent oxygen so we decided to hold you. After I held you for a bit you went up to 85 which was odd since you weren't super upset or anything, you were just sleeping. I handed you to daddy so he could have a turn thinking your saturation levels would even out. 

But your oxygen needs went up to 96 percent!! We put you back in your crib and stressed like crazy. You got up to 98 and I was so worried you were going to have to be intubated and back on the vent. Dad sat by your crib and patted your back, held your hand and sang to you. I was a stress case in the chair. Thankfully you went down to 75 percent after about half an hour. 

You liked being on your tummy and liked your daddy's attention. I'm so grateful your oxygen went down. Numbers are hard. The NICU roller coaster is hard. Yesterday you were at your lowest and today you reached your highest. It's just plain tough. But no matter where your numbers are just know you are incredibly loved, little boy. 

Tonight before bedtime Audrey said, "I want to meet Caleb more than anything in the entire world." 

You have so many people who love you and pray for you. You are one special boy. 

Goodnight little big guy. See you tomorrow. 

Xoxo 

Mom

Ps tomorrow is your due date so be prepared for me to be emotional. Just a fair warning. 

Day 4 on CPAP

Well little mister you are on day 4 of CPAP and are fighting your hardest. Your right lung looked better today. Still needs improvement but it's not nearly as closed as it was yesterday. Hopefully the alveoli will be able to inflate better and you'll be able to breathe better. Switching positions and a different respiratory treatment may help us accomplish this. 

When I came to see you today you were at the beginning of a very big fit. It is absolutely heart breaking to see you so uncomfortable, so sad, and not be able to make it better. The nurse had already given you medicine to try and calm you. You were so upset that the nurse said "maybe if you hold him it will calm him down." I held you next to the bed so they didn't have to unhook your tubing. After trying things that I could think of I noticed I could hear air in your tummy. I asked dad if he could hear it and he mentioned that the CPAP puts a lot of air in there. The nurse realized she hadn't let the tube open to vent the air out so it was getting trapped. You get milk over 3 hours and then they let the air vent for an hour. So she opened it and we could hear air come out. After about 5 minutes you were asleep in my arms. The doctor changed the feeding orders to milk over 2 hours and then venting for 2. Maybe that will help. When I got there your o's were 67 and at 4:00 they were 80. After I left they put you on your tummy and were able to get you back down to 72. You are just working so hard, little fighter. I love you so much. 

Your eyes and nose are so swollen today. When you were crying so hard it looked like your eyelids were going to pop. It was just so sad. You're so hoarse from having been intubated for 10 weeks that I can't hear you cry yet. I can't tell what it sounds like. Bless your heart, sweet boy. 

I love that you love to sleep with your legs crossed. It's pretty much adorable. Early this morning you were all wrapped up and Auntie Angie told me to look at you on the web cam, she said you looked like the cutest little mummy. If it were Halloween I think you'd be the cutest scuba diving mummy on the planet.

I adore you, little champion of mine. 

Xoxo

Mom 

Adversity, you're gonna hear me roar

This morning when I called to see how you were the nurse said she gave you a sopository and soon after you filled 3 diapers! Watch out! Your oxygen was at 67!!! When I called again just before I left to see you the day nurse said your x ray this morning showed the upper lobe of the right lung collapsed. It's not inflating. Your oxygen was back up to 80 and you'd had a really rough morning. You had cried from 7:15-8:55. Oh sweet, boy. 

On the way to the hospital I was listening to a song by Katy Perry called Roar. I was thinking about so many differnt things, so many emotions. Then I listened to the song as though it was about this trial. And this song will forever be about this trial. 

It's says

You held me down, but I got up

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake the ground 

You held me down but I got up 

get ready cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger 

A fighter, dancing through the fire 

Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion,

Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar

I sang the song at the top of my lungs. I sang it through lots of tears.  On repeat, over and over. I sang it with all the emotions I feel each day. While I was singing I was determined to brush off the dust and get back up. There are so many hard things in life. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. But I have a choice to keep going. To see blessings. To have faith. To have hope but ultimately keep trusting The Lord. Some days I feel like I'm punched even before I've gotten back up. Sometimes I feel like the blows keep coming. But I refused to be knocked out. As silly as it sounds, I AM a champion, I am. I have a Heavenly Father and savior who believe in me, who believe that I can endure this trial. I have a family who I love more than I can express, who believe in me. I have friends who are rooting for me, for you, for our family. Heavenly Father has given us each other and all the people in our lives to support us and fight with us. 

To all of you reading, you should try singing this song in your car. Loud. And sing at the top of your lungs. I recommend doing it when you're by yourself so you can let it go. So you can cry if you need to. I cried the ugly cry this morning. When you're singing it think about all the things for you that are hard. Things you feel like you can't do. Tell me if you don't feel like you can do hard things after singing this song. Allow yourself to believe the words, believe that you can get back up. Because you can. You're a champion. We all are. And we have a loving Heavenly Father, a savior, a family, and friends to love and support us. 

Caleb, you are definitely a fighter. You're still hanging in there on CPAP even with part of your lung collapsed. You're so strong and I am so proud of you. If you need to use the ventilator to help you that's okay. Sometimes we all need help. That's why we have a savior and that's what our friends and family are for. To help. 

I love you, Caleb. I am your number one fan. Well, Dad might argue with me on that one. Shoot, your sisters will too. I think it's possible to have lots of number one fans. Yep. It is, I just said so. :)

Xoxo

Mom 

Look How Strong

Yesterday you wanted to show us how strong you are so you decided to pull out your tube. The nurse heard a cough and cry and thought, "Oh, he  Extubated himself." She got the bag and started giving you oxygen and put a mask over your nose and mouth. They pushed the alarm for everyone to rush to your bedside and after a bit your stats started climbing and you pinked back up. The doctor came in to re intubate you but you were doing good with the oxygen mask. 3 weeks ago when this happened you needed the ventilator right away. Since you were hanging in there the doc on call thought they might give you a shot at CPAP.  You had been on 60 percent oxygen on the vent and it was a long shot but he felt you needed the chance since you were already extubated. Well, it's been 36 hours and you are still on CPAP!! 

I am so thrilled you have a break from the tube down your throat! So grateful to see your lips and watch you move them while you sleep. So thankful I can hear you make small sounds. So grateful you're getting so much stronger. When I got the phone call from the hospital I knew it was the wrong time for the typical phone call. But the doc immediately said you were okay. I can't begin to explain what it's like to have you there, away from us. I am just so grateful for this miracle of no vent right now. We still have a long road ahead but it's pretty amazing to see you hanging in there. 

You're one amazing little boy. Strong. Sweet. Tolerant. Looking in your eyes is pretty amazing. I can just feel your spirit and the power within you. I am one lucky mama. 

When the doc put you on CPAP he started a steroid to give you as much help to really give this a go. You were on 90 percent oxygen when we left last night and tonight you're at 68!!! Since so much oxygen is lost through the nasal prongs the oxygen on the vent is doubled on CPAP.  So if babies are at 50 percent oxygen on the vent they'll be 100 percent on CPAP.  Seeing as how you were 60 when you pulled your tube out shows how remarkable this truly is. Your pressure is also lower. It's just so wonderful and I'll gladly take it as long as we get it. One thing I'm learning about the NICU journey is that one day you get great news and the next day the news can be super hard. It's so unpredictable and the emotions are unlike anything else I have experienced.

I love seeing your round face! You look so different with your cheeks full. The CPAP hat has to be super tight and the pressure causes swelling in the nose and eyes. Gosh you're cute. I love you sweet boy. Thanks for showing us how strong you are. 

Xoxo

Mom 

How the days go

Well I can honestly say that each day goes by quickly. Each days is filled with so many things that that's how they go. Although I feel like I'm tired all the time, I'm incredibly grateful that I'm so busy that each day goes by fast. Each day brings time with you and you've gotten so much stronger since the day you were born. You are such a blessing, Caleb. Your O's are between 60 and 63 today. I'm so grateful I get to hold you. 

I love you, Caleb Luke. 

Xoxo

Mom

Growing

You, my sweet boy, are growing like crazy. You weigh 6 pounds 10.4 ounces and measure 19 1/4 inches. You've more than doubled your birthweight and have grown almost 4 inches! You seem to tolerate being held so much better. Your oxygen needs have stayed more stable this past week when we hold you. That's been so relieving to not feel like we are making things harder on you by holding you. In fact the last 2 times I've held you your oxygen went down 2 percent and your saturation levels stayed in the goal range. 

Your blood needs to have a certain oxygen saturation to be at a normal level. When the oxygen saturation levels drop you require more oxygen to put your saturation in the normal range. You were in the 50s all day yesterday and when they did your blood gas this morning your CO2 leavels looked good so they were able to change the pressure. When the pressure changes oxygen needs can go up. You went up to 63. When I came to the hospital you were at 63 then when I left you were at 58. 

I love to hold you. It's so soothing and conforting. I'm so grateful you're able to tolerate it more and that you seem to love it too. Our time together each day is beautiful. So good for my heart. 

Sweet dreams, little mister. 

Xoxo

Mom 

Big boy!

Your primary nurse Shannon started sitting you up in the boppy and it's the cutest thing ever. She started doing it this week and dad immediately sent me a text to look at the webcam. This is what I saw

You look like such a big boy! I showed the girls pictures and they ate it up. Shannon said anyone that came into the NICU just fussed over how cute you were. 

Last night you were 6 pounds 9 ounces and tonight you're at 6 pounds 10 ounces. Your oxygen stayed in the 50s yesterday and is at 52 right now! Baby steps!! 

A photographer came today to take your pics and I'm sooooo excited to see them. I'll tell you all about that story tomorrow. It's late. Sleep tight. 

Sure do love you little mister. 

Xoxo 

Mom 

Happy Valentine's Day

Caleb has something to say! 

I wanted to say that our family is forever grateful for the support, service, prayers, thoughts and love from each and every one of you. 

Xoxo

Nap time

The day is already over but I didn't want to go to sleep without writing to you. 

Dad held you this afternoon. It's so sweet to see you two together. I love the way he talks to you. The way he holds your hand. They way he takes care of you when he gets the chance. 

You lost a little weight due to the LASIX. You're at 6 pounds 4 ounces. You were at 65-70 percent oxygen for the last 2 days and then this afternoon you dropped to 54!! We are hoping that one of these days you stay on the low end and don't go back up. In order to be on the home vent your oxygen needs to be in the 30's. You had your second immunization shot today and will get the last shot tomorrow. You seem to be tolerating them well so far and I'm so grateful for that. 

After dad held you and had to leave, I had a little time before I needed to pick up Julia so I got to hold you. Oh how I love to be close to you. You slept so soundly it was just the sweetest thing. I ended up falling asleep too! It was such a wonderful way to spend the afternoon. I felt spoiled. I loved every. single. minute. 

This week I brought you valentines from your sisters. I love seeing them hanging up on your crib. They love you so much. Yesterday morning when I was getting them breakfast Audrey said, "Mom, I had a dream last night. And it was a good one. I dreamed that Caleb was at 20 and the nurse said he could come home. He still had tubes and stuff but after a month he got to come home. He had tubes at home for a while but then he didn't anymore and we got to play with him!" The excitement and joy she felt was written all over her face. It was just the cutest thing. I bet your sister would sleep all day and night with dreams like that. I was so happy she had such a beautiful dream. 

Love you little mister. 

Xoxo

Mom

Has It Really Been 2 Months?

I am floored that 2 months have already gone by. You are such a blessing in our lives, Caleb. 

You are prayed for and loved by so many people. 

When I was at the hospital today your nurse told me to hold you. I told her I hadn't since you crashed the last time and that I was nervous. She lovingly but sternly said, "he needs love only you can give him. He needs to be held." So I held you. And it was beautiful. I kissed your head a thousand times. I whispered to you. I cried and hugged you. It was therapeutic. I'm so glad she pushed me to do what I wanted more than anything but was to nervous to do. I can't wait until the next time I get to, but I promised dad he could have a turn tomorrow. 

I love you to the moon and back, son. 

Xoxo

Mom

38 Weeks

Well my sweet boy, we are 2 weeks from your due date. The date is fast approaching and I wish I could freeze time. We have these 2 weeks to see if we can wean your settings so you can be extubated. If that isn't close to happening then we will be figuring out a long term plan for a tracheostomy and home ventilation. The doctor is talking about doing LASIX every day since you seem to really need it. Although the side effects are pretty big, we need to make progress. We also have your immunizations coming up and although I'd like to avoid introducing those to you while you're still so sick, if you were to get some of the illnesses it could be fatal. About a week after your 2 month vaccinations is when we are looking to start your second round of steroids. Initially we weren't going to do another round but we are running out of options. 

You had another eye exam today which makes your eyes puffy. You'll have another exam in a month and hear results hopefully tomorrow. Since the follow up is a month away it seems the exam went well or they would have needed and wanted to see you sooner. 

Here is a pic after the exam. So sad. :(

Since you had your eyes dilated and they are sensitive to light we covered them with the giraffe blanket from your sissies. It seemed to help. 

Here's you waving at the camera after I changed your diaper. The nurse said you pooped on your own this morning. Yay! You've needed sopositories lately so that's pretty great! :)

Your oxygen yesterday was in the 40's which was great. For some reason your night was harder and you were up to and still at 67/68. You're up to 6 pounds 4 ounces today! I sang you you're weekly birthday song. It made me cry. You're adorable and sweet and so incredibly loved. Beyond measure little boy, beyond measure. 

Xoxo

Mom

Dad

Hey sweet boy,

Yesterday was a pretty busy day at work for dad and he wasn't able to see you. So at 11:30 last night he drove to the hospital to spend some time with you. He slept for a few hours in a chair by your bed and came home around 6 this morning. I am amazed at your father. The love he has for you is so evident. Not just in the things he does to spend time with you but in the way he looks at you and talks to you. 

Your dad has the strongest worth ethic and is the absolute hardest worker. In everything he does. He provides for our family temporally and spiritually. He has a kind heart and is very tender. The way he took care of me on bed rest was amazing. He planned sweet thoughtful things on top of doing physical things for me. He was mom and dad for almost 3 months during my bed rest. He is such an amazing father and husband. A truly exceptional person. Each day I love your dad and appreciate him more than the day before. We've been married for 13 years. In fact, just 4 days after you were born was our 13th wedding anniversary. It was the day I was discharged after being in the hospital for 71 days. After 71 days I got to sleep next to him again. That was a pretty awesome gift. 

He got take out from that oh so yummy Mexican restaraunt. We exchanged gifts and your dad knocked mine out of the park. He got me the cutest riding boots ever. I got him some things for his road bike, among which was a new helmet. When he put it on we laughed pretty hard. It looked like he was wearung a12 year old's helmet. Needless to say, he had to take that gift back. Shucks. 

When I told him he did an awesome job with the boots he said, "it's not rocket science. I just googled riding boots." I told him he was not giving himself enough credit. I couldn't have picked better ones. Love 'em. 

Today we came to the hospital and dad and I took turns seeing you while the other stayed with the girls in the family lounge. The girls managed to pass the time by doing this:

We stopped at the store before getting to the hospital to buy you a mirror for the side of your crib. The nurses thought you might like looking at yourself and we agreed. So here it is:

I love seeing you in clothes. And I love the expressions you make with your eyes. They're the best. 

Well little mister, you're up to 6 pounds 2.1 ounces!!! Your oxygen was between 50 and 60 today and you're just as cute as can be. 

Dad also got me a bracelet with his initial on it for out anniversary. Then for Christmas he bought me the initial for each of your names. I love wearing my bracelets to remind me of all of you. After being away from daddy and the girls for so long and being away from you for so long now, these bracelets are very close to my heart. I look forward to the day we can all be together more than I can express. That will be an amazing and beautiful day. 

Xoxo

Me

Green Light

Hey little mister! 

Thank goodness the roads were way better today. It gave me the green light to be able to go to the hospital. It's so hard to not be able to see you so I'm grateful I could today. 

They gave you a dose of LASIX since your retaining water again and your urine output was down. Your oxygen was down to 60 today which I think is a correlation to LASIX. It was 70 last night. I just wish possible side effects weren't hearing loss, problems in growth and kidney stones because it's something you need. In fact they are going to do a dose every other day. 

While I was there you were frustrated a little with your tube. You were pulling my finger to your mouth so I gave you a binky to suck on. I rested my hand on your face to distract you from the tube and It totally worked. Didn't take long before you fell asleep. Oh I could spend every minute with you. I wish I could be two places at once. I would never leave your side. 

You're just too precious for words. 

Sure do love you. 

Xoxo

Mom

Hooky

This morning started with snow flurries that actually stuck to the ground. After living in Texas for 8 years I have learned that even an inch of snow here means for terrible roads and lots of accidents. I knew it would be a nightmare to try to come to the hospital so I wasn't able to come see you today. I made sure to call in lots and check on you. Since I was home I went to the school and had lunch with each of the girls. By the time I was done with all their lunches it was 1:00 and I figured I might as well let them play hooky. A bazillion other parents were checking out their I kids so they jumped for joy when their teachers told them they were leaving early. We came home and they went outside right away.

After they came in side we watched you on the webcam. The nurse said your oxygen was at 65-70 all night and during the day. You were agitated by the tube and a little bit feisty so they put the mittens on you to try and prevent you grabbing the tube. You seemed to sleep more soundly after that. 

I read Julia stories and got very sleepy. I jokingly told her I was going to take a snooze and her response was that she was going to take one too. Much to my surprise she fell asleep less than five minutes later. 

I love that your eyes are open in this picture. I told you we watched you on the web cam a lot.

The girls worked on their jigsaw puzzle and sang along with the frozen soundtrack. 

 Dad went to be with you at the hospital and wait out the traffic. I'm glad he got to see you today. He face timed me so I could tell you I love you. Of course, the girls did too. 

While dad was at the hospital with you we played sorry. Claire was on a team with you and we had you on the webcam next to her. She said, "come on baby bro." She would show you the cards she drew and "consult" you before moving. It was one of the sweetest things ever. While we were playing the nurse went to change you. When she unwrapped you we got to see your onesie...

...No 1 little brother! Hallie announced, "he is the number 1 baby brother." It was so fun to feel like you were with us. The girls had a hard time at the end cause they just wanted you to be here in person. They want to meet you so bad. They adore you. 

Something you should know about me is that I am a sucker for dove milk chocolate (and Cadbury mini eggs, and colored Swedish fish, and ....hmmm I'll stop there).  I read a few of the wrappers and 3 of the 5 were the same one, "live in the present." I'm really trying to live in the present and focus on good things now instead of worrying about the future. You're here and I love you more than I can say. You are such a blessing to our family. I'm so glad the NICU has the web cam so we can see you, especially days like today when I can't come in. I'm so glad dad was able to see you today. I'm grateful I got to FaceTime you so I could tell you I love you and let you hear my voice. 

I love you little mister.

Xoxo

Mom