The minute I laid eyes on my son my heart grew. It had already grown tremendously when I learned I was pregnant with him but it grew even more when I saw his dark hair, his crooked nose at first from being squished with no amniotic fluid, his dark eyes, his prominent eyebrows, his tiny body and his big feet and long toes. Each and every day I spent with him were loved and cherished. Each day I came to learn more about who he is and grew to love him even more. Even though my son was only 6 and a half months old when he slipped back to heaven he was a part of my every day. I talked about him all the time especially because he was so sick and people were so concerned for him. I loved him and held him and kissed him and experienced things with him. He is part of me. My feelings and love have not stopped. In fact, my love for him continues to grow even after he's gone just as it would if he were here. My feelings and love for him will always be in the forefront of my mind, just like my love for my girls, so how can I go on without him here? By creating a new normal with his life still intertwined in mine.
Think about having your child here one day and gone the next. The pain is so difficult and heart wrenching that you feel like you can't go on and quite frankly, you really don't want to. But inevitably time passes and you create ways to be connected to your angel child and keep them close to your heart. When people have children they talk about them. It's the natural and normal thing to do. They tell those around them different things depending on the conversation. If one of my girls is similar to a friend's child I might say, "Oh, Lexie spit up like that too!" It's the same for Caleb. Why would I leave him out of the conversation because he's not here physically? I have come to realize it's no different with my angel son when talking about my children. And because there aren't new memories to make with him I need to talk about the ones we had. I talk about him because he is still mine. He will always be mine. I kiss his picture because I can't kiss him. I throw a birthday party for him because I celebrate the day he came into the world even though he isn't still here. I want people that come into my home to notice right away that I have a son. When we do our family pictures my girls hold a picture of him because he should be in them. He is a part of us and when I look at our family I want to see him. I need to see him.
His whole life was spent in the NICU. I came home every day for over 200 days with my arms empty. During those lonely days I started writing to him. It connected me to him in a way that helped me endure things. Now that he's in heaven my arms are still empty and I still write to him. Writing links me to him and and helps me endure until he is finally in my arms. I do anything I can to keep his memory fresh and spirit alive. It may catch people off guard or even make some uncomfortable but it is my normal. It is my way of keeping my son a part of my every day. Even though I can't see him and hold him he is still a part of my every day. He has to be because without him I'm not me.
So that is why I talk about him as much as I can. That is why we have birthday parties for him. That is why we do the lovey drive. That is why we do March of dimes. That is why I kiss his picture every day on the fridge. That is why I sleep with his blanket. That is why my walls are adorned with his pictures just like my girls. That is why we hold his picture when we take family pictures. That is why we still pray for him every day. That is why I still write to him. That is why I do everything I can to feel close to him. He is a part of me. Part of my heart is in heaven and until I get it back this is my new normal.
xoxo
Leah
