Thursday, July 31, 2014

I Won't Give Up

I have always always loved the song by Jason Mraz, "I won't give up." Today as we were driving in the car I thought of you as I sung the words and couldn't help but cry. 

These are some of my favorite lines. 

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?


...'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
no! i wont give up


I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up

I love you, baby boy. I miss you. But I know you're doing great things. 

Xoxo
Mom 


Sunday, July 27, 2014

Sweet Sissy

At church today Julia drew a picture of you with Jesus.
She made sure you had spikey hair and were wrapped in a striped blanket. I adore this picture for so many reasons. Out of the blue today she said, "Mommy, I miss Caleb," as her eyes filled with tears. I quickly told her I was sorry and that I miss you too. You are so loved, sweet boy, all the way to heaven and back. 

Xoxo
Mom

Friday, July 25, 2014

Caleb Toes


I went and got my toes painted with super hero Caleb logo. We call them Caleb toes. I love them. I had a dream the other night that they got ruined and I was crying but when I woke up they were smudge free. Phew. 

We got the girls toes all painted too but they play and run around barefoot so they got smudged. I love having something to look at and constantly remind me of my hero. I love you, Caleb. We still pray for you everyday. We pray you will know how much we love and miss you. I'm so proud of you, buddy. 

I love you all the way to heaven and back. 
Xoxo
Mom


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Daddy's Talk



Seven Tender Mercies

I would like to begin by thanking all of you for the love and support that you have shown to my family and me.  The past ten months have been incredibly challenging for us, and we are sincerely grateful for all of your kindness in helping to ease the load we have carried. 

I would especially like to thank my firm and the attorneys and staff that I work with for lightening my workload so that I could spend precious time with my dear son, sweet daughters and beautiful wife.  Your selflessness has provided me with a gift for which there is no price. 

I would like to thank the members of our church for tirelessly rallying to our support.  As a family we have been humbled by your eagerness to serve and amazed by the stamina you have shown in continuing to serve us month after month.  You have cared for our girls, cleaned our home, mowed our lawn, brought us meals and provided service in countless other ways.  I must say that the scale in my bathroom evidences that I am a bigger man because of your service, but I am truly a better man because of the love and service you have provided. 

I would like to thank the medical teams that made it possible for us to get to know our sweet Caleb.  Beginning in September, 2013, we have been continually surrounded by incredibly compassionate and competent medical professionals who have stepped beyond their required professional roles and have loved and cared for us on a very personal level.  Thank you for giving us time with our son.

Finally I would like to thank our friends and family.  Thank you for travelling so far to be here.  Thank you for supporting us.  Thank you for loving us.  Thank you for your kindness. 

Today I would like to share with you seven tender mercies that the Lord has provided to my family and me.  I confess there are times I am frustrated and perhaps even angry that our sweet son was not able to live with us in our home, but my frustrations and anger are short lived when I consider the tender mercies that the Lord has provided. 

Tender Mercy Number One: A Selfless Wife - On September 21, 2013, we were concluding an enjoyable evening with friends.  Just before they left, Leah excused herself to use the restroom.  When she returned her eyes were filled with tears, and she informed us that she was bleeding heavily.  Leah and I spent that night in the ER and so began the approximately 1,968 consecutive hours of bed rest that my wife would selflessly endure in order to give our son the best possible chance of survival. 

During this time, Leah was determined to stay positive.  She started a blog, read scriptures, chatted with visitors, read to our son and watched home improvement shows.  I will be forever grateful that any grandiose remodeling ideas that were implanted in her mind by these shows never made it to a “honey-do-list”.  She determined that she would keep a normal sleeping routine and refused to allow herself to nap longer than 15 minutes during the day.  She used a bedpan, took sponge baths and washed her hair with dry shampoo – a product that I doubt she would endorse.  A doer and an exercise enthusiast, Leah put many of her personal interests aside and focused on Caleb.  A good friend of mine told me that people on bed rest lose approximately one percent of their muscle tissue per day.  And so it was with Leah, but she never complained.  As her muscles atrophied, her optimism remained strong. 

I have told my wife this, but I would like to thank her again for selflessly caring for our son so that I would have the opportunity to meet and come to love him.  My wife’s selflessness is a tender mercy from my loving Father in Heaven.

Tender Mercy Number Two: Four Incredible Daughters – With Leah on bed rest I was blessed to be able to spend extra time with our four wonderful girls.  Each is a daughter of God and has a unique and beautiful personality. 

Claire, as the oldest, took the lead as being the strong older sister.  And while I am grateful for the example she set for her sisters, I am equally as grateful for the times that she would sit next to me on the couch and wrap her arms around me for support. 

Hallie is our tender heart.  Quiet and soft spoken, Hallie often lingered near her mother during our visits to the hospital, and each visit generally concluded with Hallie stepping from her mother’s bedside still holding Leah’s hand until the distance finally exceeded her reach. 

Audrey is an emotion sharer.  When times were difficult Audrey was there to share in the sorrow, and when times were happy she added to the joy.  Her infectious laugh lifted every happy moment to an entirely new level. 

Julia is our spunk ball.  Her unique sayings and spontaneous pops of the hip kept us on our toes.  Though she missed her mother, she was resilient in adapting to her new normal.  I am incredibly grateful for her spunky little spirit. 

While these are a few of the characteristics of our sweet girls, it is by no means an exhaustive list of their talents and capabilities.  Each is infinitely unique and incredibly capable, and I am blessed to have such wonderful young women in my life as a symbol of the tender mercy of a loving Heavenly Father. 

Tender Mercy Number Three: A Fighting Son – Caleb was born at 8:35 PM on December 12, 2013.  The doctors knew that Caleb’s lungs would be significantly underdeveloped at birth, so they began bagging him with oxygen almost immediately after the delivery.  After taking Caleb to the NICU, Leah was taken to her room, and I spent the night by Caleb’s bedside.  He was intubated, placed on an oscillating ventilator, strapped to various monitors and hooked up to a variety of medications. 

At approximately 5:30 AM I walked to my wife’s room to give her an update and sleep.  At approximately 6:15 AM one of Caleb’s neonatologists came to Leah’s room to inform us that Caleb had taken a turn for the worse and that we needed to come say our final goodbyes.  In her continued selfless struggle for the survival of our son, Leah had researched the use of nitric oxide for infants with underdeveloped lungs.  When we arrived in the NICU we requested that the doctors give Caleb nitric oxide, which they did, and he quickly began to recover. 

During the first several weeks of Caleb’s life Leah and I were not allowed to hold him.  In fact, reaching into his isolate to touch him during the first few days was discouraged.  Though my wife, having gently carried our son during her pregnancy, felt an immediate connection to Caleb, I did not.  The wires and tubes, and perhaps his fragile state, seemed to form an insurmountable barrier between his heart and mine.  But as we have been told by many close friends Caleb is a fighter.  He fought for his life, and he fought to overcome that barrier between our hearts.  As time passed, and the tubes and wires began to fall away, Caleb and I began to connect.  And while I may not have showered our son with as many kisses as my loving wife, the connection between the two of us grew into something that I hold incredibly sacred and will always cherish as a tender mercy from our loving Heavenly Father.

Tender Mercy Number Four: The Sealing Ordinances of the Temple – On Easter Sunday, April 3, 1836, in fulfillment of the Old Testament promise set forth in Malachi Chapter 4 verse 5, the prophet Elijah appeared to the prophet Joseph Smith in the temple in Kirtland, Ohio.  The prophet Elijah gave to the prophet Joseph the sealing keys of the Melchizedek priesthood, which allow God’s authorized servants to seal families together for time and eternity.  These sealing keys have been passed from prophet to prophet in an unbroken chain to our current prophet, Thomas S. Monson. 

On December 16, 2000, Leah and I entered the Manti, Utah temple, surrounded by friends and family, and were sealed together as a family unit by an authorized servant of God holding these sealing keys.  Each of our children have been born with the blessings of that sealing, sealed to Leah and me for time and all eternity.  By remaining true to the covenants that we have made with God, we can remain a family unit beyond this life and will some day be reunited with our son, as a family.  The sealing keys of the priesthood, which allow families to be united for eternity, is a tender mercy of our Heavenly Father for which I will forever be grateful. 

Tender Mercy Number Five: The Power of the Priesthood – As a holder of the Melchizedek Priesthood, I have the sacred opportunity to provide blessings to those in need, including my children.  One of the sacred ways that I can bless my children is through a “father’s blessing”.  On the day prior to Caleb’s passing, as we were gathered together in the NICU as a family, I felt prompted to give Caleb a father’s blessing.  With my wife holding our dear son, I laid my hands on Caleb’s head and blessed him as directed by the spirit.  As a part of that blessing I was privileged to be inspired to declare to my son, through the power of the priesthood, that Caleb had fulfilled the measure of his creation and that he would be welcomed with open arms by our Savior. 

I am so incredibly grateful that the Lord allows me to hold and exercise the priesthood and for the sacred experiences that come through its use.  The gift of the priesthood in my life has been and continues to be a tender mercy from our loving Heavenly Father. 

Tender Mercy Number Six: The Comfort of the Holy Ghost – After the birth of our son, Leah and I struggled to know the will of God concerning Caleb’s life here on earth.  We both desperately wanted Caleb to make it home from the hospital and to have a wonderful life with our family, but at the same time we didn’t want to continually weary the Lord with prayers that were contrary to his will. 

As I wrestled with this challenge Leah suggested that I read a book by Gerald N. Lund titled Hearing the Voice of the Lord.  In one chapter of this book a woman recounts her story of receiving a call from her doctor telling her that medical test results indicated that her unborn child would suffer from severe defects, if the child survived the pregnancy at all.  The woman describes falling to her knees and pouring out her heart to God.  As she prayed to know the will of the Lord, she felt Heavenly Father say to her “Pray for a miracle.”  When I read those words my heart leapt.  The thought sprang into my mind that I should pray for a miracle for our sweet Caleb.  But before I could speak the words, I was overcome by the spirit.  And in a very tender, yet powerful voice, it whispered to me, “Zeb, you need to pray for comfort.” 

The woman in this story returned to her doctor the next week for follow up testing.  After the tests, the doctor informed her that while the first round of testing was absolutely indicative of the initial diagnosis, the second round of testing showed absolutely no signs of the defects. 

While there is a part of me that still wishes that I could have been instructed to pray for a miracle, I can testify that the Lord directed me to seek the comfort of the Holy Ghost in accordance with his plan, and the Holy Ghost has provided that comfort in accordance with the will of the Lord.  I will forever consider this soft yet powerful whispering from the Spirit a tender mercy of our loving Heavenly Father. 

Tender Mercy Number Seven: Revelation Regarding Caleb’s Path – On Sunday, July 6th, friends and family joined us in a fast to help us receive direction from the Spirit regarding the future of Caleb’s care.  That Sunday Caleb had a rough morning and his oxygen requirements were up slightly.  The following Monday I felt it best to forgo working from the office and decided to work from the hospital.  That morning was also rough for Caleb, and his oxygen requirements rose from 68% to 90% in a matter of a few short hours.  While previous dramatic increases like this had typically been the result of some underlying cause such as an infection, fever or pneumonia, the doctors indicated that all of the previous days tests had been negative, and they could not determine an underlying cause for Caleb’s increased oxygen needs. 

At that point, Caleb’s plan started to become clear.  I called a family friend and had her bring the girls to the hospital.  We spent several precious hours with our sweet boy as a family.  Leah’s mom then took the girls back to the house, and Leah and I sat side by side taking turns holding our son through the remainder of that evening and all through the night.  That night Caleb’s oxygen requirements climbed to 100%, and on Tuesday morning, at 11:01, Caleb returned to our loving Heavenly Father. 

As my wife and I sat together with our sweet son, our Heavenly Father’s path for him became clear to us.  Being granted a knowledge of this path is a tender mercy from our generous Heavenly Father for which I will always be grateful. 

While my remarks today have focused on seven tender mercies, these mercies are a small beginning to the infinite mercies that the Lord has showered on my family and me.  Though this path has been, and will likely to continue to be, a struggle, I am thankful for a merciful Heavenly Father who has a path for each of His children.  I testify that as we seek to follow the will of the Lord that he will provide us with tender mercies that will illuminate the path that he has prepared for us.  I testify of a loving Savior who will help to carry our burden on our individual paths.  I testify that Christ is our Savior.  I love him.  

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Poem

The day you passed away Aunt Stephanie wrote a poem using my words from past blog entries. I had her read it at your funeral. I'm sure you loved it. 
Well my sweet son,
your Earth’s mission is through
You fought for each day,
we’re so proud of you.

Your body, so tiny.
Your spirit, so great.
On loan from Heaven 207 days.
And though we will miss you, tears will long fall,
It was a miracle we got to have you at all.

With dimples for days, and rubber band wrists,
You made sure Mommy got in every last kiss.
You smiled for your sisters,
Spent time in Daddy’s arms,
Memories to pull from when times are hard.

The light of your eyes drew countless in,
The faith of your family turned them to Him.
When you grew tired,
and it was your time to go,
Mommy and Daddy cuddled you home.

Blow us kisses from heaven, we’ll send you balloons 
Loving you is our privilege, and He’ll carry us through.
With every prayer, every song, each day that will pass,
We love you, Caleb, to Heaven and back.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

My Talk

My Sweet Boy

Caleb, there are some things that have strengthened me beyond my understanding which have allowed me to keep going each and every day. There are so many that I think we would be here until the early hours of the morning if I talked about each one. So I’m going to talk about a few of them.  Recognizing that Heavenly Father has a plan for you, the memories that we have with you, and my intense love for you have given me the strength to endure this difficult time and will carry me through the years that lay ahead.

As we made decisions about your care we did what we felt guided to do. We prayed, pondered, and made each decision with what we thought was best for you. If I had not had the firm understanding that Heavenly Father was guiding our path and that he had and still has a plan for your life, I would have been indecisive, scared, and constantly second guessing the decisions we made. But the Lord has promised us in Proverbs, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.” So I tried my very hardest to do just that and I know without a doubt that he has directed our paths.

In the early hours of the morning after you were born, the doctor came into my hospital room to tell daddy and me that you were not doing well and that we should go see you immediately.  I looked at your dad and burst into tears saying, “I don’t understand.” I was certain that after carrying you for another 10 weeks after my water breaking that you would be okay. That you would need support for a while but that you would be okay.  I didn’t understand so I tried my hardest to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for you.

One day you pulled your breathing tube out and Dr. Nystrom thought it wouldn’t be fair to not let you try CPAP.  Oh my heart wanted you to tolerate it so badly.  It was a huge step toward coming home. But in my head I knew I needed to prepare for both outcomes.  After 9 days it was evident that your lungs weren’t developed enough and still needed the ventilator. Just days after CPAP was when the girls got to meet you for the first time for your baby blessing.  It was a beautiful moment. They oohed and aahed like crazy. That night when we called to check on you, your oxygen support was maxed out. I didn’t understand so I tried my hardest to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for you.

When it became clear that you would need long term support Dad and I knew you needed a tracheostomy.  Preparing for that was incredibly difficult with lots of obstacles in the way. But we knew that you needed it for your comfort and if you were ever going to come home and so we put our faith in Heavenly Father and got everything ready for your surgery.  The day of the surgery there was so much to prepare. But Adrianne did all that work, Dad and I held your hands and stayed by your side all day. Early afternoon you had a reaction to a medicine and quickly went to 100 percent oxygen and turned blue. I didn’t understand so I tried my hardest to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for you.

After your surgery you recovered so well. A few weeks later you were rockin the settings on the ventilator and you were pointing in the direction of coming home.  Well that’s what we thought. We enjoyed smiles, baby food, and so many more things. In June, on Father’s Day, out of the nowhere you had a bronchial spasm where no air gets into your lungs and you stopped breathing. They did CPR for a few minutes to get you breathing again. You had just been doing so good. I didn’t understand so I tried my hardest to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for you.

Those were just a few of many moments on the most difficult NICU journey. There were so many days that I didn’t think I could go on. It was just so hard. After the CPR you were struggling. You were not only not making progress but your settings on the ventilator were rising.  We decided to do a prayer and fast for you with all those that wanted to join with us.  My heart wanted to pray for you to be healed but in my mind I knew that Heavenly Father has a plan for you and I needed to trust that plan. So we prayed to be strengthened and directed in what was to come. We went to visit you the afternoon of the fast and you were not doing well.  I didn’t understand but I tried my hardest to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for you, as it became more clear.

Caleb, Heavenly Father has a plan for each of his children. Many times His plan is different than what we think it will be.  Unfortunately it is against our human nature to not try and figure out what we think that plan is.  No matter how hard we try to figure the plan out, since we can’t see into the future we just don’t know what will come. And it is because of that uncertainty that we are required to trust in the Lord and have Faith that He knows what is best for us.

Time and memories with you have given me strength to get through this.  I remember when you were just a few months old one of the doctors was telling us about another baby that had the difficulties that you did and passed away at seven months old. It was so hard to hear and I couldn’t wrap my head around the thought of having you for so long and then losing you. But Heavenly Father knows us better than we know ourselves and he knew that after having you for 207 days and the precious memories we had with you, that I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world, no matter how hard it was.  I would choose it over and over.

The Doctors were always very upfront and realistic with your situation and how uncertain your survival was. I know that was so hard for them because I could see it in their eyes day after day. But because they were open and honest about it, it really allowed us to cherish every single day, every single moment. We saw you every possible day we could, unless someone was sick. The moments that we shared alone and as a family were beautiful.

When you started taking a turn in June it came as a big shock. May had been going so wonderfully and you had made so much progress.  That was the first time that we really felt like you were going to be able to make it home.  One of your sisters told me, “Mommy I don’t understand. He had been doing so good.”  It was then that I realized that May was when the flu season was lifted and your sisters could start visiting you. Although they were able to meet you the first time the day you were blessed, and a second time when they wheeled you past them while taking you down for a GI study, it wasn’t until you were 9 days shy of being 5 months old that they were allowed to visit you over and over. Your best month, starting to smile back at us, eating baby food, doing exercises and having energy to be awake and play a lot was the month your sisters got to be with you. They each got to hold you. Oh they were beside themselves each time they saw you but especially when they got to hold you. We packed in so much in that time with you. Made so many memories with you.  We thought you were getting better so you could come home but you were getting better so we could make beautiful memories with you. The Lord is so merciful, Caleb. Those moments with you gave us strength to keep going and will give us the strength to continue. It’s those priceless memories that will remain in our minds and our hearts forever.

My love for you has given me strength and helped me to keep going. When I found out that you were coming to our family my feelings for you were indescribable. The intense love that I felt was immediately familiar. You see, I loved you before you ever came into the world.  I loved you long before I ever knew we were going to have another baby.  And the feelings for you that came flooding into my heart were so beautiful and so strong. It’s that love that has helped me through each difficult day. And it will help me get through the years to come.

            I started a blog on bed rest and didn’t have the heart to write on it once you were born. There were so many things that were more pressing and once I did start writing again it was extremely hard for me. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted lots of great news and great progress to write to people about but overall it just wasn’t happening.  That’s when I decided to shift my audience and I started writing to you.  Writing to you made all the difference in the world.  It allowed me to develop an even stronger bond with you. A bond I didn’t think could get any stronger. It allowed me to focus on your sweet loving personality and the cute things you did.  But most of all it pushed me to be positive and strong. No matter what I was feeling, no matter how discouraged, scared, or sad I was, I needed to be strong for you.  I wanted to encourage you and express the love I have for you over and over. 

As the days and weeks went on and we were still uncertain if you would survive, there were times I was scared that I loved you too much. How was I to go on, knowing that I loved you so deeply, if you didn’t make it? How could I ever make it through my life?  Ultimately I remembered that God knows how each of us feels. He knows our hearts. I knew that if Heavenly Father was going to take you back to heaven, knowing how deeply I love you along with daddy and your sisters, than it had to be the best thing for you.  I believe that with all my heart. Ironically, in the end, it was the intense love I have for you that allowed me to let go, to recognize your path, and trust that Heavenly Father needs you for greater things in Heaven. Because Heavenly Father knows my heart and the love I have for you means He believes I will get through the times ahead, with you as our angel watching from above. So I will trust Him.

I know you were here for nearly 7 months for a reason and great purpose. The journey that we have been on has been incredibly difficult but one full of love and memories that we will cherish the rest of our lives.  When people wonder how we were able to get through the past 10 months these are some of the things I have learned and I hope to have taught you and your sisters. Heavenly Father has a plan for each of his children. If we trust in Him and His plan we will be given strength beyond all comprehension. The time we were able to spend with you and the memories we have will forever be in our hearts and the love we have for you will give us what we need to keep going.

I have a testimony of our Savior, Jesus Christ. That He surrounds us with comfort, strength and love when we are willing to seek Him. The Savior provided us with the perfect and ultimate example to carry out God’s will.  I have a testimony that Heavenly Father created a plan for us to come to earth in families, and that we can be together again, as families, after this life.

I love you, sweet boy.



            

Peek A Boo



Here's one of the videos I've been wanting to post. Love you sweet boy.
xoxo
Mom

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

A celebration of your life

Today was beautiful. We celebrated your life and the memories that we hold dear. We talked about the blessings and tender mercies we have witnessed. I will post our talks for the people that weren't able to attend but I know you heard them. I know you're near. 

We were given strength beyond understanding. For that I am eternally grateful. 

You better believe I will keep writing to you. I love you sweet boy. More than you could possibly know. 

Xoxo
Mom
Ps I got several videos of you a few days before you passed away. I can't wait to post them. The files are too big so Dad's working on it! Love you, buddy. 

Friday, July 11, 2014

Note

I found a note on my phone that I didn't write so I clicked on it. Your sweet sister wrote a note to you the day you went back to heaven. It was so precious and so sweet. Her last sentence said, "UR AMAZING and I love you more than understanding." Ill let her read it to you. It touched my heart this morning. Oh sweet boy. I miss you. I love you, son. Although my heart feels empty at times, at others I feel you near. 

Love you more than you could possibly know. 
Xoxo
Mom

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Our Sweet Boy

Caleb Luke Fish
December 12, 2013 – July 8, 2014

Caleb Luke Fish was born on December 12, 2013, to Zeb and Leah Fish and his four sisters, Claire, Hallie, Audrey and Julia.  Born at 29 weeks, weighing 3 pounds 4 ounces, Caleb miraculously remained inside his mother’s womb despite her water breaking at 19 weeks.  After birth, it was evident that Caleb’s lungs were significantly underdeveloped, making the length of his life unknown.  He fought courageously and valiantly for nearly seven months surrounded by so many who love him.  Though we are grieving, our minds and hearts are filled with memories that we will always cherish.  His giant spirit and beautiful disposition have touched many lives.  We find comfort in the knowledge we have that he is now free of his struggles in the arms of our loving Savior and is surrounded by dear loved ones.  We are honored to be the parents of such a courageous spirit and are grateful to know that Caleb is a part of our eternal family.

For information about his viewing and funeral please go here. All are welcome to attend.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

In Memory of Caleb Luke Fish

This is Stephanie, Leah's little sister posting. 

For those of you who have asked if there is anything you can do, as Leah's sister, I have set up a fund to help with funeral services and their desires to carry out acts of generosity in Caleb's name. I know that Leah and Zeb would never have asked, but also know that this could help them immensely. Thank you so much for loving them and praying for them through this difficult journey.


Always, 
Stephanie 

Your Life

For all the people that haven't gotten to meet you and for those that did but want to see you one last time here on earth we are having a viewing on Monday, July 14th at Rest Haven Funeral Home (2500 State Highway 66 East) in Rockwall from 6:00-8:00 p.m.

We will have a funeral to celebrate your beautiful life for anyone that would like to attend on Tuesday, July 15th (6819 South FM 549) in Heath at 11:00 a.m.

You have touched so many hearts sweet boy. 
Your life was one of courage, strength, faith and love.

xoxo
Mom


Family Sleepover

We had a big sleepover last night. Dad could hear the girls crying in their room so they all came in to sleep on our floor. The girls were so sweet yesterday. They had all your things that we had at home laid our in my room so I could see it when we got home. Clothes, stuffed animals, toys, and things from when you were first born. They also made one of their bedrooms a "crying room." It has a picture of you and of our family along with a million rolls of toilet paper and lots of blankets. When they need to cry they go there. Goodness they love you.

It was hard to sleep last night. For dad and me. For all of us. We each slept with something of yours. I think you were watching over us and still are. You're our very own angel. 

Here are some pictures that daddy took of us on Sunday. You had a really hard morning and after having a big prayer and fast for you, your path was becoming very clear.
 I love these pictures.
 You are more special, beautiful, and courageous than I ever could have hoped for.
I am honored and proud to be your mamma.

xoxo
Mom

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

All Smiles

Despite the fact you were struggling yesterday you were still happy, still smiley.
 You gave us smile after smile all throughout the day.
 Each one melts my heart.
 Your sisters just swooned over you. They kissed you over and over and squealed at your every move.
You stayed awake hour after hour not wanting to miss a thing.
 I love your half smile. It's seriously awesome.
 Oh baby boy. You are so incredibly loved.
You always will be.

 We took a picture with your baby blanket that Granny made you.
I love you, Caleb Luke. You have changed my life.

 We also took a picture with a blanklet from Auntie Angie and the one from Adrianne.

 This picture we took this morning. You were grinning in your sleep while 
daddy was holding you. 

I am so proud of you, Caleb.
I love you. I miss you already.

xoxo
Mom

You're Free

Well my sweet son, you have completed your mission on earth. You are free of your struggles and in the arms of your savior. I'm sure that you were greeted by your angel friends, Atticus, Gracie Belle, Lucas and baby boy Wilson. Along with all the family that has gone before you and who are yet to come. I'm so proud of you, Caleb. We have been given almost 7 months with you which is the biggest miracle of all. 

I love you to heaven and back. 
Xoxo
Mom

Lots of Snuggles

This picture was taken during the night. Dad and I took turns holding you all throughout the night.
Your settings are maxed on the ventilator sweet boy. We love you more than we can express. We are sorry you're so tired and want you to know that it's okay to go back to heaven and rest in the arms of our savior. You're our hero buddy. 

Xoxo
Mom and Dad

Monday, July 7, 2014

Face Time

After a great visit with your sissies you got to face time them before bed too! 

Caleb, we all love you more than you know. Your vent settings continue to climb and you don't have much room to go. I think you're telling us that you're tired. It's okay buddy. It's okay. Mom and Dad are sleeping here with you. 

You sure are a wonderful son. 
Love you to heaven and back. 

Xoxo
Mom

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Thank you

I wish I could thank each and every one of you that joined us today in prayer and fasting for Caleb. We are humbled by each of you and are overcome with gratitude. Although thank you doesn't seem enough. 

All our love,
Fish Family 

Saturday, July 5, 2014

First 4th of July

You're just the cutest patriotic baby ever. Cheryl brought this hat from the nursery and it didn't quite fit like it was supposed to. But let's be honest, you're adorable no matter what! 
I can't get enough of you. 
Dad came to see you in the morning and I came in the afternoon. You worked on your leg muscles with daddy. You were tired but calm with me and then just as I was leaving you gave me some grins. Your smiles absolutely make me melt. We did swimming, a BBQ and fireworks with the girls. 

The other day was one of my favorite memories with you. I had just picked gram up from the airport and stopped by to see you on the way back. Gram stayed in the car with your sisters since they cant see you for a few weeks (they were exposed to a sickness that could be fatal for you so they have to wait for 21 days to see you). When I got up to the NICU Scott and Bill were just finishing your breathing treatment and were about to do your trach care. I walked up and said, "Caleb, hello sweet boy! What are you doing?" You smiled so big and started to kick your legs. You knew the sound of my voice and got so happy. It  was so rewarding and so precious. That moment will be one I always cherish. You're just so sweet. 

It's crazy to think that exactly 9 months ago today my water broke. It's never broken on its own before. All 4 girls were born after the doctors broke my water. I hadn't been on bed rest a day in my life until I was pregnant with you just before my water broke. Don't know what in the world happened with my body that time. 

Caleb, I am grateful for the miracle of your life and grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who guides our lives. For a savior that comforts us and loves us no matter what we face. 

I love you more than there are sands in the sea. 
Xoxo
Mom

Friday, July 4, 2014

Prayer and Fast

As we have discussed Caleb's difficult June with the doctors we realize that his progress has been at a stand still. After talking over things this past week we understand that Caleb might need to transfer to a children's hospital if he doesn't progress towards a home ventilator. It may be the best thing for him to be in the care of doctors and nurses that do chronic lung disease in a facility that is geared towards pediatric patients. To let his lungs grow there for a longer period of time. The hospital that is looking like Caleb will benefit the most from (experienced doctors, and PICU-pediatric ICU, along with a pulmonary floor) is in Fort Worth. That would obviously be a big adjustment for our family but if that's what's best for Caleb than that's what we will do. 

If Caleb shows progress in July, the way he did in May, then he may not need to transfer from the NICU before coming home. He would spend the rest of his hospital stay where he is and transition to a home ventilator in the short run. 

As those 2 things have been on our minds and we have thought about what he needs, his oxygen percentage baseline has slowly gotten higher. So where it seemed we were at a standstill, we see that we are sliding backwards. Continually needing more ventilator support. Normally there has been a problem that has contributed to his higher numbers like the UTI, pneumonia, CPAP trial, more fluid in his lungs, etc. However, we cant seem to pinpoint something that's causing his needs to continue to rise. 

In our religion we fast (go without food or water for 2 meals or 24 hours) with prayer to draw closer to God and gain greater faith and understanding. To pray for the sick and afflicted. We ask our friends and family to join with us this Sunday to pray and/or fast for our sweet boy. To fast that our family will be given strength, guidance and peace as Caleb's path is made more clear. That Caleb will receive comfort, peace and love throughout his difficulties. We would be honored to have all of you join us and appreciate the love and prayers you have offered so willingly. 

While Caleb's path is still unknown to us, we have faith and assurance that God is aware of him and our family. He has a plan for Caleb's life and for our family and we feel honored to be his parents. 

With much love,
Leah 

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Sweet Dreams


I love you baby boy. I'm over the moon for you. I love everything about you. 
Thanks for snuggling me today. I treasured every minute. 
I'm so proud of you buddy. The numbers on the ventilator don't matter. I love you son, our sweet boy, and that's all that matters. 

Love you to heaven and back. 
Sweet dreams.
Xoxo
Mom

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Fun Videos

This video was taken a few days ago. I love watching you smile and interact with the nurses. It's seriously so cute.
I love that you can hear the wind from your fan!!!

On Saturday Janetta had you and was helping you work on your leg muscles. It was adorable because you were all over it.
I love that when Audrey giggles you knew she was giving you attention and you SMILED!!!! It was such a sweet moment. When Janetta laid you back down after you burst into tears. You were not ready to lay back down. Im sure you get so tired of lying in your bed all the time. So she sat you back up and you stopped crying. 

You're just adorable. And a big boy. Oh you're getting to be such a big boy. Keep up the good work, buddy.

Love you to heaven and back.
xoxo
Mom



Tuesday, July 1, 2014

A Favorite Scripture

I had so much fun with you yesterday. You love love loved sitting up and hanging out with me. You worked on your neck muscles for a long time. You're such a big boy, buddy!  You're such a trooper.  After our play time I laid you back in bed and you burst into tears. You wanted to stay up and about.  So sad. Thankfully we got you calmed down and then magda did your CPT. 

One of my favorite scriptures jumped out at me this morning. 
“Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: 
for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest” Joshua 1:9

Love you, Caleb. 
Xoxo
Mom