When you are pregnant after you've lost a child you don't get to celebrate the pregnancy in the same way. In fact there are times you feel like you may not really get to celebrate at all. It's not because you don't love the child growing inside you. Its because you're trying to hold back because you don't know how much your heart can take. We are required to trust our Father in Heaven when we lose a child. That trust grows in painful and life changing ways, molding us into who the Lord needs us to be, but trusting is still hard to do. When you are pregnant you're immediately in a position where you are required to trust again. The child that was called back to heaven has a place in your heart and family that you would never want to change. I would choose Caleb over and over again. But when I was pregnant with Lexie I wondered constantly if I would lose her too. When you're pregnant again you think, "Oh my gosh, I can't do this again. What if I lose 2 babies? Surely I won't lose 2. But I could." So instead of celebrating you don't know what to feel. You find yourself pouring your heart out to Heavenly Father asking to be strengthened. Because you don't know the will of God with this new little life but you know His will is the most important one. In the back of your mind you worry that you aren't strong enough to submit your will again if you need to.
People may think that you are being dramatic or pessimistic for thinking you will lose another child. Or try to reassure you that everything will be fine. But the truth is, NO ONE KNOWS IF EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE! So when people say that to you it's very hard to hear. Lots of people told me Caleb was going to be okay. And I know they meant well. They did. But it didn't help. And people would tell me Lexie was going to be fine. If you know someone that is pregnant after a loss please do not tell them everything will be okay. (If you have said that before to someone, or even to me, it's okay. We all want to say the right thing and stuff comes out wrong or not the way we intend. If someone holds that against you then they have some personal reflecting and soul searching they need to do.) The feeling you're having about losing another child is normal. I'm not a doctor or therapist but I have experienced pregnancy after losing a child and have talked to others who have too. Its a natural response because our hearts have been through and are still going through a great deal. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with those close to you that are going through it firsthand. I couldn't let myself dwell on what if's. I learned when I was in the hospital with Caleb that "What if's," are your worst nightmare. They are debilitating, depressing and bring a heaviness to your heart that is devastating. So I tried my best to stay busy. Change my thoughts. Listen to a song. Call a sister, mom or friend. Work on a project. Go shopping (I can do this one really well...just ask Zeb). Read talks. Read scriptures. Pray. Spend time with your family. Fill your mind and heart with things that will uplift you and strengthen you and you'll be amazed at how quickly you can change your thoughts and mood.
When you are pregnant after you've lost a child people unknowingly act like losing your child is easier to handle now. That a new baby makes it better. The irony is that your heart may be feeling the opposite and that it's actually harder. The child growing inside you is not a replacement for the one you lost. They are separate and individual and should be treated that way. You are mourning the loss of your child and immediately trying to make room for another, that you still worry may not survive either. You live in emotional turmoil. You miss that child you lost more than you can express and that wound is so deep and raw, and alone this is a huge mountain to climb. But you're facing another Everest at the same time. You're also trying to allow room to love this new baby you're hoping to meet and raise, while trying to leave room for God's will. It can be exhausting. There are days you don't want to get out of bed. The turmoil and thoughts feel so conflicting and so hard to work through. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with your heart. Some days will be better than others.
Alexis does not replace Caleb. She does, however, have her place in our family and my heart. She brings us a source of joy that we wouldn't be able to get any other way. I still mourn Caleb. I still long to hold him in my arms. I still miss him. I still wish he was here. I still wish I could see his smile. I still wish I could read him stories and hug him and kiss him. I still have every single one of the feelings I had before Alexis graced us with her beautiful presence. And you will still have all those feelings about your sweet angel because they are for that child. Not any other. That place in your heart for every one of your children, living or not, is theirs individually. No one will take that from you. I will still mourn Caleb for the rest of my life.
Our will is the only thing in this life we can ever truly give Heavenly Father. Everything else we have is already His. He created us, He gave us life, and all that we have is His, except our will. That is ours and we don't have to give it to Him. It's our choice. When His will involves the life of your child the turmoil and heartache you go through is indescribable. When I chose to submit my will and allow His to unfold with my sweet Caleb and Alexis hard and beautiful things happened and still do. Submitting my will is the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't understand so many things and I still have to make a conscious effort to continue to leave my will at His feet. But I do know that he has NEVER left me comfortless or alone. His mercy and grace are perfect and beautiful and His love ever abiding.
My sister said it perfectly when she said her heart wants to burst and break at the same time when she looks at the picture of Lexie holding the picture of her sweet brother, Caleb. When you are pregnant after losing a child that pretty much sums up how you feel. Just live each day one at a time. Don't play the "What if" game but keep your mind filled with things that will uplift you. You can do it. You can get through whatever lies ahead, whatever the outcome. The Savior has promised to be there for us. He has been there for me in the hardest times in my life. Times I never thought I would experience but he so lovingly carried me through.
xoxo
Leah
