A Caleb Afternoon

Today was a great afternoon. We got to do things that reminded us of you. After a local birthday party we headed to Hayden's First Birthday in dallas. Hayden was one of the babies in the crib next to you in the NICU. In fact, you gave her a valentine last year. :) 

Here she is with the girls deciding how tired she is vs how much she wants more cake frosting. 

I left a little early and headed to Nurse Jannetta's baby shower in Frisco. It was so great to see her and celebrate the upcoming arrival of her baby boy Gavin. She was and is such a wonderful nurse and loves you and your sisters so much. As part of her gift we gave Gavin a giraffe lovey like yours. I hope he likes it! 

The crazy thing is I remember at your viewing she mentioned she had just found out she was expecting and I was doing the math thinking, "oh my goodness we are due within days of each other!" But at that point dad and I were the only ones that knew I was pregnant so I didn't say anything. That night I remember getting home, exhausted and having waited too long to eat I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Because the day was so emotionally and physically draining no one thought anything of it. It's still hard to wrap my head around another baby now just as it was then. But God has a plan for each of his children. And little miss Lexie's plan is to be part of our family, and we love her already. When we visited the NICU for your birthday I found out jannetta is having her boy March 3, the day before I have alexis! Isn't that crazy? 

I loved having things this afternoon that focused on memories of you. It was pretty awesome. Sure think of you lots, mister. 

Goodness you are loved and missed. 

Goodnight.

I love you to heaven and back. 

Xoxo

Mom

P.S. Claire and Dad did the Big D Climb this morning. 53 flights of stairs to raise money for Leukemia. Dads firm sponsored it and Claire was ready for the challenge and asked if she could do it with them. Claire beat everyone in dads office, including dad, because she has a serious competitive side! She's pretty awesome. They had a great time together. I love it when the girls get to spend time with daddy. 

The Hearts of Little Children

Children are so tender, sweet and innocent. Julia just misses you so much. Her prayers this week have had an overall theme, "Please bless that if we feel scared that caleb can come down and we can feel him in our hearts." 

The other night we were having family prayer and julia had a picture of you she was looking at. She asked if you could say the prayer. It was so pure. 

Tonight I went to tuck her in and she started crying. She said,"mommy I try to pray with caleb every night but I just can't feel him. It's so hard." My heart just broke and the tears just came. She said,"I just wish caleb could come down and be alive again. So he could come home and get bigger here." Oh goodness she misses you so. We all do. I told her I wished that to. I had to leave so she didn't see me break down and sent daddy in to talk to her. 

I came in the living room and cried. Claire found a scripture and read it to me and we hugged and cried. 

The girls sleep with things surrounding them of yours, we all do. You are so very loved, sweet boy, to heaven and back. 

Xoxo

Mom 

Little Getaway

We took a trip this weekend to josh and carols since Monday is a holiday. We realized this is the last chance to visit them before alexis is born so we took it! The girls were VERY excited. 

It's been nice to just relax, go to parks and enjoy family. The weather has been gorgeous. 

After sitting in the car for 4 hours on Friday (and the fact I'm almost 33 weeks pregnant with my sixth pregnancy) my body was screaming at me. Saturday morning dad insisted I spend time lying down and by the early afternoon I was feeling normal again. Maren was so sweet and made me and only me a snack of kiwi and orange slices. I asked why I was so lucky to get such a nice snack and she said, "because you're pregnant." It was so sweet. 

Last night I woke up after dreaming about you. Just a random dream about when you were in the hospital and it caught me off guard. I immediately started crying and it took a while to go back to sleep. I just miss you sweet boy. So very much. 

Love you like crazy. 

Xoxo

Mom

Less than 8 weeks! Wait, what?

I went to see Dr. Gillean this week. I never tire of seeing my babies on ultrasound. And with Alexis I get one at every appointment. Helps us see that things are normal and puts our minds at ease, as much as they can be. 

Things are still good so far. She's growing and moving like crazy. We got a call from the Doctors office after the appointment that the c-section is scheduled. Your little sister will be born on 3/4/15!! That's less than 8 weeks away unless she comes sooner, but there are no indications that will happen. 

Being pregnant after having so many complications and losing a child is hard to put into words and extremely difficult. I still worry  we might lose her. I still worry something will happen. That's part of the reason I'm not going to try to have her naturally after having you c section. Your pregnancies are very close together and this is my 6th pregnancy. We don't want to take any chances of my uterus rupturing. 

My heart has been broken and a piece of it is with you. My heart will never be the same. I know my heart grows and changes with each child. I remember loving Claire so much and feeling it get larger when I first laid eyes on Hallie after  she was born. It's an amazing feeling and happens with each child. It's truly miraculous. After experiencing the last 15 months I realize even more how remarkable the heart is. The intense love you can feel one minute and extreme heartbreak you can feel moments later is mind blowing. Although the heartbreak has come with you for so long...since last September when everything started, the joy and love I have experienced with you has been worth it. The ups outweigh the downs. You are my son and so perfectly pure. I am honored to call you mine. I long for the day I can hold you in my arms again. Oh if you only knew. 

Watch over us these next few months, sweet angel. The rollercoaster we have been on is still racing ahead and I'm trying to hold on. One day at a time. 

All my love,

Mom 

Couldn't Agree More

2014 was even harder than 2013. And both more trying and stretching years than I could possibly have imagined. Although we never stopped hoping, even through the uncertainty each week brought and even until the last few breaths Caleb took, to raise Caleb with his sisters we learned that was not his path and that he was needed in heaven. Through all of this I was never alone. Our family was never alone. We were comforted, strengthened and lifted up through our worst of times. I am forever grateful for the knowledge I have of my father in heaven, my savior and their abiding love for me and my family. I could not have gotten through the past 15 months without it. 

We will all go through trials in this life. The trial and its severity often times is no reflection of the person you are. But the way you choose to handle the trials that come your way and where you turn can help you or hinder you. God has promised us He is there for us, He will not leave us comforless. He is always there. He will always open the door, but it is up to us to knock. I know because of experience. The answer may not be what we desire but Heavevly Father's plan for his children will always be carried out while we are provided with strength and comfort. I am forever grateful for my Savior and that I do not walk this path alone.