My Talk

My Sweet Boy

Caleb, there are some things that have strengthened me beyond my understanding which have allowed me to keep going each and every day. There are so many that I think we would be here until the early hours of the morning if I talked about each one. So I’m going to talk about a few of them.  Recognizing that Heavenly Father has a plan for you, the memories that we have with you, and my intense love for you have given me the strength to endure this difficult time and will carry me through the years that lay ahead.

As we made decisions about your care we did what we felt guided to do. We prayed, pondered, and made each decision with what we thought was best for you. If I had not had the firm understanding that Heavenly Father was guiding our path and that he had and still has a plan for your life, I would have been indecisive, scared, and constantly second guessing the decisions we made. But the Lord has promised us in Proverbs, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.” So I tried my very hardest to do just that and I know without a doubt that he has directed our paths.

In the early hours of the morning after you were born, the doctor came into my hospital room to tell daddy and me that you were not doing well and that we should go see you immediately.  I looked at your dad and burst into tears saying, “I don’t understand.” I was certain that after carrying you for another 10 weeks after my water breaking that you would be okay. That you would need support for a while but that you would be okay.  I didn’t understand so I tried my hardest to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for you.

One day you pulled your breathing tube out and Dr. Nystrom thought it wouldn’t be fair to not let you try CPAP.  Oh my heart wanted you to tolerate it so badly.  It was a huge step toward coming home. But in my head I knew I needed to prepare for both outcomes.  After 9 days it was evident that your lungs weren’t developed enough and still needed the ventilator. Just days after CPAP was when the girls got to meet you for the first time for your baby blessing.  It was a beautiful moment. They oohed and aahed like crazy. That night when we called to check on you, your oxygen support was maxed out. I didn’t understand so I tried my hardest to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for you.

When it became clear that you would need long term support Dad and I knew you needed a tracheostomy.  Preparing for that was incredibly difficult with lots of obstacles in the way. But we knew that you needed it for your comfort and if you were ever going to come home and so we put our faith in Heavenly Father and got everything ready for your surgery.  The day of the surgery there was so much to prepare. But Adrianne did all that work, Dad and I held your hands and stayed by your side all day. Early afternoon you had a reaction to a medicine and quickly went to 100 percent oxygen and turned blue. I didn’t understand so I tried my hardest to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for you.

After your surgery you recovered so well. A few weeks later you were rockin the settings on the ventilator and you were pointing in the direction of coming home.  Well that’s what we thought. We enjoyed smiles, baby food, and so many more things. In June, on Father’s Day, out of the nowhere you had a bronchial spasm where no air gets into your lungs and you stopped breathing. They did CPR for a few minutes to get you breathing again. You had just been doing so good. I didn’t understand so I tried my hardest to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for you.

Those were just a few of many moments on the most difficult NICU journey. There were so many days that I didn’t think I could go on. It was just so hard. After the CPR you were struggling. You were not only not making progress but your settings on the ventilator were rising.  We decided to do a prayer and fast for you with all those that wanted to join with us.  My heart wanted to pray for you to be healed but in my mind I knew that Heavenly Father has a plan for you and I needed to trust that plan. So we prayed to be strengthened and directed in what was to come. We went to visit you the afternoon of the fast and you were not doing well.  I didn’t understand but I tried my hardest to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for you, as it became more clear.

Caleb, Heavenly Father has a plan for each of his children. Many times His plan is different than what we think it will be.  Unfortunately it is against our human nature to not try and figure out what we think that plan is.  No matter how hard we try to figure the plan out, since we can’t see into the future we just don’t know what will come. And it is because of that uncertainty that we are required to trust in the Lord and have Faith that He knows what is best for us.

Time and memories with you have given me strength to get through this.  I remember when you were just a few months old one of the doctors was telling us about another baby that had the difficulties that you did and passed away at seven months old. It was so hard to hear and I couldn’t wrap my head around the thought of having you for so long and then losing you. But Heavenly Father knows us better than we know ourselves and he knew that after having you for 207 days and the precious memories we had with you, that I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world, no matter how hard it was.  I would choose it over and over.

The Doctors were always very upfront and realistic with your situation and how uncertain your survival was. I know that was so hard for them because I could see it in their eyes day after day. But because they were open and honest about it, it really allowed us to cherish every single day, every single moment. We saw you every possible day we could, unless someone was sick. The moments that we shared alone and as a family were beautiful.

When you started taking a turn in June it came as a big shock. May had been going so wonderfully and you had made so much progress.  That was the first time that we really felt like you were going to be able to make it home.  One of your sisters told me, “Mommy I don’t understand. He had been doing so good.”  It was then that I realized that May was when the flu season was lifted and your sisters could start visiting you. Although they were able to meet you the first time the day you were blessed, and a second time when they wheeled you past them while taking you down for a GI study, it wasn’t until you were 9 days shy of being 5 months old that they were allowed to visit you over and over. Your best month, starting to smile back at us, eating baby food, doing exercises and having energy to be awake and play a lot was the month your sisters got to be with you. They each got to hold you. Oh they were beside themselves each time they saw you but especially when they got to hold you. We packed in so much in that time with you. Made so many memories with you.  We thought you were getting better so you could come home but you were getting better so we could make beautiful memories with you. The Lord is so merciful, Caleb. Those moments with you gave us strength to keep going and will give us the strength to continue. It’s those priceless memories that will remain in our minds and our hearts forever.

My love for you has given me strength and helped me to keep going. When I found out that you were coming to our family my feelings for you were indescribable. The intense love that I felt was immediately familiar. You see, I loved you before you ever came into the world.  I loved you long before I ever knew we were going to have another baby.  And the feelings for you that came flooding into my heart were so beautiful and so strong. It’s that love that has helped me through each difficult day. And it will help me get through the years to come.

            I started a blog on bed rest and didn’t have the heart to write on it once you were born. There were so many things that were more pressing and once I did start writing again it was extremely hard for me. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted lots of great news and great progress to write to people about but overall it just wasn’t happening.  That’s when I decided to shift my audience and I started writing to you.  Writing to you made all the difference in the world.  It allowed me to develop an even stronger bond with you. A bond I didn’t think could get any stronger. It allowed me to focus on your sweet loving personality and the cute things you did.  But most of all it pushed me to be positive and strong. No matter what I was feeling, no matter how discouraged, scared, or sad I was, I needed to be strong for you.  I wanted to encourage you and express the love I have for you over and over. 

As the days and weeks went on and we were still uncertain if you would survive, there were times I was scared that I loved you too much. How was I to go on, knowing that I loved you so deeply, if you didn’t make it? How could I ever make it through my life?  Ultimately I remembered that God knows how each of us feels. He knows our hearts. I knew that if Heavenly Father was going to take you back to heaven, knowing how deeply I love you along with daddy and your sisters, than it had to be the best thing for you.  I believe that with all my heart. Ironically, in the end, it was the intense love I have for you that allowed me to let go, to recognize your path, and trust that Heavenly Father needs you for greater things in Heaven. Because Heavenly Father knows my heart and the love I have for you means He believes I will get through the times ahead, with you as our angel watching from above. So I will trust Him.

I know you were here for nearly 7 months for a reason and great purpose. The journey that we have been on has been incredibly difficult but one full of love and memories that we will cherish the rest of our lives.  When people wonder how we were able to get through the past 10 months these are some of the things I have learned and I hope to have taught you and your sisters. Heavenly Father has a plan for each of his children. If we trust in Him and His plan we will be given strength beyond all comprehension. The time we were able to spend with you and the memories we have will forever be in our hearts and the love we have for you will give us what we need to keep going.

I have a testimony of our Savior, Jesus Christ. That He surrounds us with comfort, strength and love when we are willing to seek Him. The Savior provided us with the perfect and ultimate example to carry out God’s will.  I have a testimony that Heavenly Father created a plan for us to come to earth in families, and that we can be together again, as families, after this life.

I love you, sweet boy.