Not a good day

This morning did not start out good for me.
After getting a call from Lowe's to tell us they would drop off our new freezer (we need one for food storage and all the milk that's accumulating) between 11:30 and 1:30 (when I'm usually at the hospital with Caleb) and the friend that was going to pick up Julia had sick kids (hope you feel better soon) I realized I would have to go to the hospital during rush hour to get 30-45 minutes with Caleb before leaving to get Julia and be here for the freezer.

On my way in I was on ridge road trying to switch lanes. I had my blinker on and the person didn't want to let me over (or didn't see me). So I moved back into my lane and tried again once they were passed. The next car didn't want to let me in either so I just decided I had room and should go for it. Apparently they didn't think I should so they let me know. I muttered in the car, "It's called a blinker and I'm using it." I was bugged and frazzled.

I proceeded through town and got on the freeway. I was thinking about Caleb. I think about him all the time. We had a conversation with the Doctor yesterday that has been on my mind. A conversion that was hard to have. In order for Caleb to ever be able to come home he has to make some improvements. Even if he comes home with a trach and home ventilator he has to make progress before that can happen. Unfortunately Caleb is still creeping in the wrong direction which makes things even more difficult.

I know that miracles happen. I know without a doubt that Caleb can be healed.  But I also know that Heavenly Father has a plan for Caleb specifically and we don't know what that plan is. There are so many days I think he will be just fine and there are so many days I am wracked with emotion and sadness at the thought of not having him grow up with the girls. I want to raise him here and now more than I can express but I have learned that we need to be willing to submit our will to Heavenly Father.  If we pray for months for Caleb to get better and his plan was to come to earth to get a body than it seems as though heavenly father didn't answer our prayers. We are trying to teach the girls that we need to have faith in and trust heavenly father and know that he understands and knows all. He knows more than we do and can see beyond the now. That doesn't mean that our hearts don't hurt, they hurt a lot. It doesn't mean that heavenly father doesn't love us, he has a deep and abiding love for us. We just need to trust him and realize there are things beyond our understanding. Things we may never understand in this life. The WHY is a big question. That is where faith and trust come in.

I was thinking of so many things when I realized the next freeway I needed to get on was coming up. I tried to snap out of my thoughts and emotions and saw that the exit was backed up and I was going to miss it. Without good judgment I slowed way down and put my blinker on. In fact I came to a stop on the freeway with the back end of my car sticking out of the lane. I couldn't miss the exit. I only had a little time with Caleb and I needed that exit. Well, behind me there was a horn that blared long and loud. I looked up and noticed a policeman with lights on. He pointed at me in the mirror so I know I was to pull over. Well he was really mad and I didn't get a chance to pull over so he just hopped out of his car while we were in the exit lane. I rolled down the window, of course in tears, and he yelled and yelled. "WHAT IN THE BLEEP ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU CRAZY? GIVE ME YOUR LICENSE AND INSURANCE NOW. YOU HAVE TO BE OUR OF YOUR BLEEP MIND. BLEEP. YOURE LUCKY I WAS BEHIND YOU AND NOT SOMEONE ELSE OR YOU BLEEP WOULD BE ALL OVER THE BLEEP FREEWAY. YOU CANT JUST STOP ON THE FREEWAY. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" I kept crying and told him I was so sorry. That he was right. That I didn't know what I was thinking. That I was on my way to see my son in the hospital and that I just wasn't thinking clearly. He then yelled a bunch more. Over and over. He yelled about how he gets in trouble if there are wrecks on the highway and that I can't just stop on the freeway like that. He yelled and asked if I knew how to get there. I told him was going to Dallas Presbyterian and that i was going to the 635 to the 75. He handed me my license and insurance information back and yelled some more. I drove off without a ticket and watched as 2 cars ahead of me a silver SUV did the exact same thing I did, slowed down to a stop trying to get into the exit lane. Apparently I'm not the only person out there that makes bad judgement calls on the freeway.

So I spend the next 15 minutes in stop and go traffic on the 635 and just sobbed. I stopped crying and made it to the hospital without accidentally hurting myself or other drivers on the road. And thankfully the traffic cleared. I had 45 minutes to spend with Caleb and couldn't help but feel crushed when I saw that his oxygen was at 77 percent. I just sat by his crib and told him I loved him. That daddy would be there to see him and that I would be able to stay longer tomorrow. Before I knew it my visit was up but not before I got to change his smelly bum. I don't know that I have ever been so excited to change a poopy diaper. It allows me to have interaction with him and makes me feel like I'm doing something for him. I cried most of the way home.

Last night Hallie came into my room crying and said she didn't want to go to school today. I asked her why and she said, "Because people are going to ask how Caleb is doing and I have to lie to satisfy them." Poor Hallie feels like she can't tell people how sick Caleb is because she knows how much they want him to be okay. It broke my heart. I have to admit that when people ask me how Caleb is doing I want so badly to be able to say, "He's doing great," or "He had a great day," or "He may be off the ventilator soon," when usually his oxygen has gone up. So mostly I avoid the texts or type numb responses. I promise you all that if Caleb improves we will post it. We will. But in the meantime we don't post as much because he isn't improving and his oxygen changes so much, even on a daily basis. We are in a very hard position right now. It's like we are in limbo. Not knowing which way things will go and not knowing what Heavenly Father's plan is for Caleb. So be patient with us and know we will post when there is something to post.

And we will wait and trust.

xoxo

Me