I got to hold him!!!

After 24 days I got to hold my precious little boy.  Of course the emotions were high. Just yesterday I was crying in the closet not knowing what the future holds. Some days are good and I do okay with my emotions. Other days out of the blue I will just break down and cry. 

Zeb got to hold Caleb last week and I knew my turn would come. I havent felt sick and scrubbed my hands like crazy. I had fresh clothes on and slipped out of the house without hugs and kisses so I didn't have any "sick germs" on me. For the record I hate leaving the house without a kiss from Zeb and hugs from the girls, but it was a must. 

When I got to the hospital the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold him, I was caught off guard since the nurse the day before said he needed his oxygen in the 40's to be able to hold him, his oxygen was hovering at 60 when I got there. After texting Zeb about if I should hold him with the girls sick or not, he said he thought I should hold him. I got my chance today and it was beautiful. 

Yesterday when I brought home blankets from the hospital to wash I saw Zeb smelling them. He said they smelled like Caleb. I smelled them and thought they did a little bit but when I held Caleb today I completely understood. He has a certain smell and I still catch a wave of it even after being home. I love it and wish I could smell him always. 

It's really stressful to see him uncomfortable while you're holding him but for the most part he did great. I loved having him close to me again.  

I can't get over how much hair he has. How dark it is. How big his feet are. How tiny he is. How he smells. How his ear has a divot in the top like mine. How he's getting some cheeks. How he moves his eyebrows. How he has jowels because of the way they tape his ventilator tubes. How perfectly round his eyebrows are. How his thumb nails are like Zeb's, super long. How his toes are long like his daddy's. I just adore him. 

You gotta love the double chiln in the picture below. I know I do. 

They had to re tape his vent tube since it was coming out a little. And I couldn't help but take this picture of him since we hardly ever see his little body uncovered. His legs are so skinny I just love it. So grateful that I am healthy even though everyone else is sick because I was able to hold my little baby boy. Such a special moment. Such a long awaited day. Oh little boy, how I love you. 

xoxo

Me