Keep me Going

You have the sweetest sisters. Seriously. Julia is spunky yet tender. She told me my dress looked beautiful yesterday and I told her she was adorable. She replied "no you're adorable." After going back and forth she won when she announced "yow adowable with that dwess and that baby guwl."

She then put on my church shoes and announced to her sisters, "hey guys look at my new kicks!" "I'm going to go put on some more flair!"

After school today she showed me this:

I love that she draws so much and I love that she often expresses her love for you in her drawings. This one is you with julia and Heavenly Father and Jesus. I adore it. 

Claire saw a picture a friend posted of her brothers and how happy she was that they were here because they were born premature too. Claire was sad and asked if it was okay that the picture made her sad. It was so sweet to see her love for you. We are all trying to work through our sadness and find joy in the time we had with you looking forward to when we will be together again. 

Claire is maturing faster than I can say "slow down!!!" She is very set on naming your baby sister and drills me daily for what names I like and then reports them to dad to see what he likes. She definitely has an opinion and is totally all in for naming her!!! "Mom, we have got to name my baby sister...today."

She found out her teacher was having a bad day today. So she took the cookies she was going to share with her friends at lunch and gave them to her teacher with a note saying she was sorry she was having a bad day. Makes my heart so happy. 

I love hearing sweet Hallies prayers. They are so specific and heart felt and my heart feels like it will burst when I hear her pray. She always prays for you, sweet boy. 

She is so concerned for people, especially me. She is constantly asking if I'm okay. She is at my side hugging me wherever we go or sit. All your sisters are. They beg for a turn to sit next to me or snuggle me. It's like they soak up every possible minute because they know what it was like to not have me near. It makes my heart full with love and joy.

Hallie started a journal at school to write to you in when she misses you. I think it helps her feel closer to you. 

Audrey left her class at church the other day because she was missing you. She seems to be doing better overall in school lately which is good. She has so much love for you, Caleb. 

Audrey would be attached to my hip if it were possible. She gives hugs to me constantly and I love every one. She plays with my hair when she stands beside me and I soak in every second when she does. 

When we do favorite things at night without fail your sisters say theirs was spending time with the family. If there was something super fun then they say that thing AND spending time with family. That is one of the things that stands out, among a few others, this past year. Time with family is special and cherished. We are more grateful than we ever were before and you have helped teach us that. 

Your sisters started touching my little tummy and talking to your baby sister. They are anxious to feel her kick and keep asking when that will be. I remember in the hospital when they felt you over and over a few weeks before you were born. It was such an awesome moment for each of them. Their faces lit up! 

Your sisters are a huge portion of what keep me going. I am able to feel happiness and joy with them while I ache for you. They remind me what is important and remind me of what you have taught us. 

We are such a blessed family. 

So thankful for each of my children and for daddy. My cup runneth over. 

Xoxo 

Mom

Julia May

On the back of Julia's worksheet in Kindergarten I saw this picture. 

Just you and Julia under a beautiful rainbow. I love it when your sisters do things like this. I love how they remember you. 

The other day Julia sat next to me on the couch and as her eyes filled with tears she said, "Mom, I think my baby sister will remind me of Caleb. She'll have dark hair with long eyelashes, oh I hope." It was absolutely precious. 

Love you, Caleb. 

Xoxo

Mom

16 Weeks Preggers

I went to see Dr. Gillean yesterday for my appointment. I got very emotional while I was driving there but was able to hold it together once I got there.  I also got an ultrasound of this little peanut...

She was doing summersaults as you can see. She's ready to do another in the picture with her head tucked and legs bent. :) 

The girls just thought it was the cutest thing ever, as did I. It reminded me about you and what a gymnast you were when you had enough fluid. Honestly you must be teaching her your tricks. 

The last few days I've started feeling a lot less naseous which is great. Dr Gillean seemed to think it will continue to get better here on out. Fingers crossed! 

We got this in the mail yesterday. The hospital is so amazing and we are so incredibly grateful for your care there and all the prayers offered on your behalf. 

You had everything you needed in your medical care along with amazing love from those who cared for you. You had more prayers offered for you than I can even count. Sometines, although faith is there along with amazing medical help, it just isn't in Heavenly Fathers plan. I have learned a lot in the last year that you helped teach me about submitting our will to Heavenly Fathers. Your life has great purpose and you are needed more in heaven than you are on earth. Although it's hard to understand I trust 100 percent in God's plan for you. We were so blessed to have you here for almost 7 months and I am forever grateful for that miracle. 

We love you, sweet boy. We miss you. We are so proud of you. 

Xoxo 

Mom

One Year Ago

Just over a year ago (September 10th) we found out we were having a baby boy, you, our Caleb Luke. A week and a half later, on September 21, was when the complications started. I had never had any complications with your pregnancy previously or any of your sisters. 

The Saturday, one year ago, was normal and then suddenly everything was different. When I saw all the blood i just kept saying, "no no no." That day changed the direction we thought we were headed. And so the most difficult roller coaster began. Honestly it is still going but it's like we are now on 2 tracks at once. We are still on the "caleb track" that will always continue with our different stages of grieving and heartache and we have also begun a new track since expecting your baby sister. 

We found out last week (September 14th) that we are having a baby girl. Our lives are on a completely different course than we ever thought we would be on just over a year ago. Where we are now is a much different place than what we anticipated last September. I pictured you here with your sisters doting on you, giving you bottles and snuggles and waiting on your every beck and call. I pictured raising you here on earth, not in heaven. However, Heavenly Father has guided us and comforted us throughout the journey and He is still guiding us today. Without Him and my loving savior I would be lost.

After experiencing the last year it makes this pregnancy extremely hard. The thoughts and feelings I have are different than any other pregnancy and they are so hard to understand let alone express. I know how quickly things can chance. How one minute youre heading in one direction and seconds later you may be heading a completely different way. I try to hold to what I know, not what I don't. 

I am so grateful I was chosen to be your mother. I'm grateful to be the mother to your sisters already here and the other coming. There is a children's song the girls learned in primary a few years back. It's a new favorite. "God gave us families to help us become what he wants us to be. This is how he shares his love, for the family is of God." I truly believe that through our families and experiences with each other (trials included) that God shapes us into who we need to be. But we have to be willing to have faith and be willing to submit our will to his when it is necessary, always trusting in him. The savior helps us when we fall short or none of us could stay on the course that leads to eternal life. That destination i desire never changes and I try to keep that end in sight. It is the eternal perspective that allows me to change directions as trials come keeping my eye on my hearts desire. This last year has helped me become more of who God wants me to be. And with your sister coming there is even more to learn. There is always more to learn. 

I love you, caleb Luke. 

You're at the destination I desire with all my heart and I can't wait until I see you again. 

Xoxo

Mom

Joy Cometh in the Morning

I realized I never posted the pictures that a sweet stranger (now friend) Emma Rivera-dallas photographer-took of you when you were just 2 months old. She insisted on doing them out of love and service and I am forever grateful to your auntie for insisting on setting them up. 

Everytime I look at them It takes my breath away. I truly feel as though you can see a good portion of just how much mommy and daddy love you. 

Oh my sweet boy, you are so perfect. 

I feel like she captured your eyes and soul beautifully. You can see just how beautiful and strong your amazing spirit is. 

You were just so little. But you chunked up faster than any baby in the NICU, I'm sure of it! :) 

I love this. Goodness your daddy loves you, Caleb. 

One thing I am incredibly grateful for is how dad and I turned to each other throughout this difficult journey. And we still do. Your daddy is amazing and I am so blessed he married me for eternity. 

The bond between you and daddy is so touching. It makes my heart so happy to look at this picture. Really any picture of you with him. 

I am so grateful for these pictures. They are so beautiful and will always hold them close to my heart. 

I love all the hair you had. Babies have lots of hair in the womb and normally aren't born yet. At this point you were a few weeks from your due date. I love the hair that runs into your eyebrows. 

Oh sweet boy. You are so special to me. My heart longs for the day I can hold you and kiss you and never let you go. I am so blessed to be your mommy. Blessed doesn't even scratch the surface. 

My heart aches for you and always will. I constantly have my cries and pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father but am always reminded that I will be with you again. We will all be together again one day. Mom, dad, every one of your 5 sisters and you. What a day that will be. 

"Weeping only endure the for the night, but joy cometh in the morning."

Psalm 30:5

Oh the hope and joy the savior brings. It keeps me going each and every day. 

My cup runneth over. 

Xoxo

Mom

Missing You...

You are not hard to miss, sweet boy.

But I sure miss you lots today.

Oh your eyebrows and tongue. You had the best expressions and I'm sure you still do.

I miss seeing them every day.

You were so much fun to be around, son. We loved every minute we had with you.

I have no idea how many hours in your short little life I watched you sleep and held your precious chubby hands, but it was a lot. I was blessed with lots of hours considering the circumstances. 

I miss that.

And oh your smile.

Boy does it melt my heart. 

There are so so many things that I miss. From every hair on your head to your long chubby toes. 

I got to see a picture of your baby sister yesterday. When I arrived at the specialist all they did was lead me into the doc office and I burst into tears. 

The emotions and memories are so hard to work through. Oh my goodness sweet boy, this is so very hard. But we will get through it one day at a time. 

I love you and every single one of your sisters. 

More than there are stars in the sky AND sands in the sea. 

Xoxo

Mom

Spinning

Here is one of the ultrasounds I had with our baby #6!!!! 

Zeb and I found out I was pregnant a week to the day before Caleb passed away. We were shocked since we were most definitely preventing.  That week we had so many questions. What if we lose both babies? What if we lose one but not the other? What if we bring both home and Caleb comes home with a vent and we have a newborn at the same time? Just days after we found out Caleb's path became very clear.  Much quicker than we ever thought. I try not to let my mind wander and ask questions that get me nowhere. 

I have gotten many ?'s about this pregnancy so I thought it would be useful to post the answers to the most common questions I have received...

My chances of rupturing again are not normal odds. Once you have ruptured prematurely your chances go up to 1 in 3. 

My due date is March 11 (2 weeks after Caleb was due).

Yes I have been sick. In fact I have never been so sick in all my pregnancies combined BUT another day sick is another day pregnant.

Starting at 16 weeks I will most likely start progesterone injections to help prevent preterm delivery. I am currently researching this and trying to see if there are risks or side effects I haven't come across yet. I am researching all other sorts of things to do anything I can to decrease my chances of rupturing again.

I am seeing my regular OB in conjunction with a high risk OB.

Each life is a miracle, not matter the length of time on earth, so we wanted to share our news. Ultimately we have no idea what will happen. Only Heavenly Father knows the path for this next Fish baby. Honestly, we are leaving things in His hands. I want what is best for this baby and our family. Whatever that is. Instead of trusting that Heavenly Father will bless us with a full term pregnancy and healthy baby I am trusting that because He knows all, because He knows us better than we know ourselves, I trust that as this plan for this child and our family unfolds according to his will and pray we will have happiness, strength and joy throughout. When I was pregnant with Caleb and was on bed rest I just thought since I was remaining pregnant that he would be okay. I trusted Heavenly father but in the back of my mind kept thinking Caleb would be okay. But Caleb's path was very different than what I thought. Of course I hope this baby stays here on earth just as I never gave up hope that Caleb would until he slipped back to heaven. Hope keeps people going. There is hope for everyone. In all facets of life. With hope, I want to have faith in Heavenly Father's plan for our family and trust that he knows what is best for us, not me.

Our heads are still spinning. Just as I am sure yours are as well. I DID NOT see this coming in a million years but clearly I do not know what God knows. So grateful He cares for us and knows how to succor us. He brings me comfort when I need it most. He strengthens me when I feel unable to go on. He will always be there as long as I seek Him.  I am so grateful for Him in my life.

Some days I do better than others with all that we have gone through and are still going through. I am beyond grateful for all of you who love and pray for us. For every last thing you all have done. 

We are truly blessed.

One day at a time,

xoxo

Me

A Present or Two...

After church we had the girls open a few presents, just because.

Present number one:

What Claire didn't read was the last line that said, "Although this was a humongous surprise to mom and dad (understatement), they are trusting Heavenly Father's plan."

Present number two:

After watching these videos we ask that you let everyone else come to the blog not knowing and be just as surprised as you were, quite frankly as we all were. 

Although I don't think anyone was as shocked as Zeb and me.

One day at a time

xoxo

Me

Dum Dum Story

I had failed to recognize that most of the people who read our blog weren't able to come to the celebration of Caleb's life. Because of that those that weren't there wouldn't know the story behind the Dum Dums and why we took them to the NICU with the girls a few weeks ago.

I wanted to share the story with everyone.

I hope those reading this will all remember him when you see or eat a Dum Dum. Goodness I am grateful for his amazing doctors and nurses and the little things they did for him. Goodness I wish I could give him another Dum Dum.

Here is the display at the funeral.

A dear friend made this wreath for us with hundreds of Dum Dums. It was just perfect.

The basket on the table held hundreds of Dum Dums with tags that read, "Caleb, our lives are sweeter because of you." Lots of friends got together to make these and I am so grateful to them for every minute they spent on them. We loved having them there for the kids and families and we loved sharing this special story with our friends and family.

Our lives are all truly sweeter because of our precious Caleb. They are richer. They are more faithful,  more beautiful. I am better because of him. 

xoxo

Leah

2 Months Ago...

Today marks two months since you slipped back to heaven in my arms. Oh how I miss you, sweet boy.  I wanted to look at videos of you because I worry the memories of you will start to fade.  I love your sweet face so much. Your smile. Your eyebrows. Your dimples. Your chubby cheeks. The dimple in your knee. Your facial expressions. Your personality. And your spirit. Oh I miss your sweet courageous spirit.

I haven't posted this video before but it was taken on the day you first started smiling at me. You are so cute I just can't stand it.

Here is one of my all time favorite videos. It was when you discovered your tongue. I was holding you with your sisters surrounding you. Every time we laughed you'd stick it out again. It was the absolute best. Your sisters showered you with close to as many kisses as I did, and that says a lot.

Grieving is a tricky thing. Today has been one of the hardest days to date. Harder then the day the girls went back to school. Harder than the one month mark. Harder than so many other days. Dad and I have talked about how you never know when your day will be hard. You can't plan for it or expect it. It just comes. I love you sweet, boy. More than you could possibly know.

xoxo

Mom

It's Party Time!!!

We had a circus for Hallie's 10th Birthday! She was so excited for her party and was counting down the days for about a week. She could hardly wait for her circus party. 

Happy Birthday to our sweet Hallie.

We started off the party with a photo booth.

 

It was a big hit. Love this little nerd.

Goodness she is cute.

Audrey was so excited to dress up.

Here's our spunk ball Julia.

I love parties. Yup. I do. I love throwing them. I love planning them. I love putting them together. I could spend gobs of money but try to be as frugal as possible. One year I made a piñata to save money for Audrey's party. NEVER AGAIN. That's where I draw the line!!! That's why we do parties every OTHER year. There are 3 birthdays in 4 months time and it was crazy. So we do a family party on odd years and friend party on even years. I like it this way a lot and feel like the girls are more excited and grateful for their parties when they get to invite friends.  Angie threw a circus party for Sagie so she had the invitations and signs printed for me and then let me borrow lots of her stuff. 

It was so fun!!!!

Mom and Dad made Hallie's cake. Dad did the fondant and I baked and decorated it. We tried a new fondant this time and it was a struggle to work with. Dad had a hard time with it sticking and I did too when I was making the balls. I think it still turned out rather well. I also learned not to use a cake stand with waves on the bottom if you're going to decorate the bottom edge. It made the border I was trying for impossible but I think it still turned out pretty cute!

Hallie's gum ball machine party favors turned out super cute and she loved giving them to her friends. I just love the mustache on her cute face.

We went outside for some games. 

Ring toss...

Herre's my awesome right hand party helper. She was ready for the circus in her costume! Too bad Julia changed out of her ballerina outfit right before everyone came.

Bean Bag Toss...

Highest opening for most points.

 Dart Throw...

Sac Race...

During the last heat of the sac race it started raining. We finished and ran inside just in time. I know it's stilly but I'm grateful we still got to do Hallie's party. It still would have been okay had it rained the whole time but I sure am glad all the hard work wasn't in vain and we could enjoy the games and prizes. It meant a lot to me. Party SUCCESS!!!

This little 10 year old is so amazingly wonderful. Every time she prays she prays that we are grateful for the 7 months we got to have with you. She has such a tender heart and often cries about how much she misses you. I lovingly agree and remind her that the 7 months we had with you were miraculous and that we didn't know if you would survive the first night. But we were blessed with 4 days shy of 7 months with you. She remembers that and is grateful for it in every prayer. What a beautiful, grateful, loving, fun and smart daughter I have.

Here is the circus. Happy, fun and oh so crazy.

We sure love you, Caleb Luke. 

To heaven and back.

xoxo

Mom