Six months ago

Oh baby boy! It blows my mind that Saturday October 5th was exactly six months yesterday. The day when my water broke.  I thought about it many times yesterday, well I thought about it more than I usually do. It seems like so long ago. 

Not to mention that you're almost 4 months old!!! Wow. 

You had a good day today. You got to meet your gram, my mom for the first time. She cried and just couldn't believe she was really there with you. She grinned from ear to ear and couldn't get get enough of you. You were wide eyed and very alert which was so fun. I'll post pictures tomorrow. It was so sweet to see you just staring at her. 

During the afternoon the girls were doing my hair. I pretty much fell asleep in the middle. They were so excited to show me my corn rows. 

Silly girls. 

They stamped a bunch of pictures for you that I'll bring you tomorrow. 

Tomorrow afternoon dad and I are meeting with the anesthesiologist. Hopefully we can get things ironed out and understand things to move forward. The surgery has been postponed several times so talking to him should get the ball rolling since he is the one holding things up. 

With the recent extubation incident, the need to give you more medicine to calm you as you get older and the fact that you'd be able to have more freedom developmentally we are hoping to get the trach soon. 

I'll see you tomorrow, sweet boy. 

Xoxo

Mom

Great day

When dad and I got to the hospital to see you you were sleeping so cozy and sweet.

Goodness you're handsome! 

Cuddle time! 

You filled your pants while dad was holding you so knowing your blow out track record we put something under your diaper. Dad was pretty nervous you were going to leak all over him. 

Hallie made this for you...

I love it. 

Sure enough, when dad changed you you had done serious duties. You luckily were on the brink of overflowing so it was just a close one. 

Here is your new stuffed animal for Easter. Meet Roosevelt the rabbit. He is so soft and sweet, just like you. Some dear friends saw him and wanted to get him for you. When they learned part of the proceeds go to march of dimes they knew they had to get him for you. 

They said you are here for great things. :)

Your afternoon was awesome. Your heart rate was great. Your breathing was calm. Your blood pressure was good. And your oxygen was in the 50's!!!!! So happy you had a great day. 

You are one loved little boy. 

Sweet dreams. 

Xoxo

Mom 

How we roll

Well buddy, your sisters and I started riding bikes to school. I ride with the older three and then take Julia to her school. She gets to ride in the trailer because there is a wicked huge hill by the house. It's a big hill...especially for Texas! Today was the first day we rode and let me tell you, after months in bed and not doing any exercise for 6 months it was brutal. I was 2/3 of the way up and my lungs felt like they would pop. My legs were on fire! I was determined to make it to the top without stopping mostly so I could tell dad I did. 

Julia just laughed her head off listening to me breathing hard and yelling to the other girls to keep going. By the time we made it to the crosswalk I hopped off to cross and my legs almost buckled under me. They felt like jello. I totally acted like it was nothin. If only the crossing guard knew. 

I continued on with Julia and she loved it. After I dropped her off I started home. I had been swallowing my spit the whole time and it was making me sick. I thought about the fact I should just spit but it was super thick and I didn't think it would make a good combination. Good thing dad can teach you how to spit because what happened next was not normal. I decided to go for it and spit really hard. Surely it would work. Well, I looked like Beethoven the Saint Bernard shaking his face with drool flopping everywhere. Honestly. I kid you not. The spit finally broke loose and then I got to wipe the remainder off my chin. Awesome. 

How do guys spit? Seriously. 

By the time school lets out I will own that hill and maybe figure out how to spit normal. Just maybe. 

On the way to the hospital I snapped a picture of the blue bonnets for you. Spring is my favorite time of year in Texas. Overnight, Texas becomes covered in them. 

I love them. 

I got to the hospital and got to hold you. I love holding you. 

So happy to have another day with you. I love you baby boy. 

Lets not repeat last night. Sleep tight buddy.

Love you to the moon and back. 

Xoxo

Mom

Not what we expected

Have I mentioned how much I love holding you? Or that I love your chubby cheeks? Or that I could kiss you hundreds of times and never tire? Oh baby boy...

Love that one dimple...

Dad held you when he go there at lunch. I love watching him with you. The two of you are so sweet together. 

You woke up right as dad got to the hospital and switched me. 

You're up to 10 pounds 1 ounce!!!

We called to check on you before bed just now. The nurse said something we were not expecting. She said you had scooted down a bit on the mattress causing the ET tube to come out. She said within a few minutes you were re intubated and pink and squirmy again. When the doc called he gave a bit more detail. He said you had a Brady causing nurses to notice something was wrong. When they got over to you you had turned blue and your heart rate had dropped extremely low. They had to do chest compressions while they bagged you to give you oxygen. Talk about my heart and stomach dropping. It was beyond scary for us to hear. Oh, Caleb. I'm sorry buddy. 

We checked on you on the web cam right away and here you are...

Each day is such a gift with you sweet boy. Oh how we love you, Caleb.

Xoxo

Mom

Little peeks

Here are some of the little peeks I got when I checked in on you. 

Your temperature went down through the evening!

All your labs came back normal which is great. You needed some medicine about 11 last night to calm you down and you slept until 4:30. You've been between 60 and 70 percent on your O's. 

I think you're acting more yourself and I'm about to come see you now. Glad this wasn't anything big. We are talking about surgery beginning of next week if docs get all the ducks in a row. So I'm glad this wasn't another setback. We need this surgery to get you more comfortable. The older you get the more difficult it is to have that tube down your throat. Bless your heart. Ultimately we know that Heavenly Father knows what is best for you. We will trust in whatever that is. That's the only thing that brings us comfort and is getting us through these hard decisions. 

Sure do love you. 

Xoxo

Mom

Hopefully Nothing

Got to the hospital to see this sweet sight. 

Oh you have the most kissable cheeks. 

I held you for about an hour but you didn't seem like yourself. Normally you snuggle right in and sleep the hours away. But today your heart rate was up and you were agitated. So we put you back in the crib and then dad showed up. He had a big smile and was super excited to see you.

Adrianne took your onesie off since you were so hot and took your temp. It was 100.5 so we turned the air down in the room to get you as cool as possible. She took it about 20 minutes later and it was 100. So she called the neonatologist and he ordered a bunch of labs. So far the blood work has cone back normal so hopefully it's absolutely nothing. They left the line in they used to take your blood just in case you need abtibiotics. 

You finally calmed down and fell asleep before I left. I will be calling like crazy to check on you. 

While I was at the hospital it was time to pump (I'm only getting about 2 ounces on each side the entire day in 6 sessions) so I decided I will focus on spending time with you instead of trying to pump. I've continued for weeks with little to no milk each session and I think my body is done. I can't tell you how hard it is for me to stop pumping. To feel like I can no longer provide something tangible for you. I have shed many tears over this. I tried my very hardest and that's all I can do. It hurts my heart. At least we still have some in the freezer you can have for another month or so. I'm trying to tell myself positive things and look on the bright side, but the truth is there will still be moments I wish I could keep doing this for you. 

I love you, sweet boy of mine. More than you'll ever know. 

Xoxo

Mom

Boy, oh Boy!

I took these pictures on Saturday when dad and I came to see you. You're just so loved, sweet boy.

While I was holding you you filled your pants. When the nurse changed you you stayed asleep through it. That's rare for you, since you hate being poopy.

I took these pictures on Monday. You were being very expressive with your eyebrows so I took a few in a row.
Here's normal...

...and expressive! 

It's so funny to watch you move your eyebrows. I love it.

When I got to the hospital today you were wide eyed and looking at your mobile.  You like to look at the web cam a lot too.  

While I held you dad came on his lunch break. We talked to the neonatologist about things. We've done a lot of talking and praying to try and decide what is best for you. I think we are getting closer to that decision. 

I spent an hour on this post and then my phone died and deleted it. Boy was that frustrating. Especially since the majority of the post was about how even among this difficult trial everyday things that are hard and frustrating still happen. When we are going through the most difficult trials we don't get a pass from all the other things in life that are hard. Things that would normally add up and result in a "bad day" still happen, ALONG with trying to cope with the new adversities.  Everything combined makes for days that are harder than ever imagined. Especially when the trial you face is requiring more endurance that you could ever imagine you would need or have.

Thankfully we weren't sent to earth to endure our trials alone. Our Savior comforts us and strengthens us. In moments when I am crying in the closet or under the covers, the Lord comforts me and calms my mind and heart.  Somehow I am able to keep going.  My seemingly impossible days are filled with meals and service from friends which give me the strength I need to continue. I am strengthened through the love and service of those around me. The prayers that so many offer for our family buoy me up. Sweet messages give me the boost I need. Not only does the Savior help us but the angels He sends do as well. Your daddy, our family and friends are my angels. And on top of all of that, Heavenly Father blesses me in ways I can't see.  

Heavenly Father has a plan for you, Caleb. He loves you so very much. And boy do we love you, buddy.

xoxo

Mom