Quickly

Time is moving so quickly. I guess part of that is that I have 5 kids to take care of, 6 if you count dad. Just kidding. But with lots of children come lots of things that need to be done so maybe that's why I feel like it's moving so quickly.  We are getting close to the day you passed away and it's coming ready or not.

I woke up this morning with a heavy and anxious heart. I've been trying to figure out why. Is it because you're not here? Is it because I miss you and ache to see you again? Is it because I worry about your sisters? Is it because I worry I'm not teaching them enough or patient enough? Is it because even after losing a child I hate that I am impatient with them? I know I'm human and that I can't snap my fingers and be a perfectly patient mother, although that sure would be nice, but I have such a hard time with it. On the one hand I know how precious every moment is, how quickly things can change. But on the other I get frustrated and upset. I guess maybe my heart is heavy for all those reasons. I long to hold you again. I want the best for your sisters. I desire so badly to teach them what they need to know. And I still want to be more patient with them. I think I always will. 

Here's the things we've been up to.

Claire received awards at school for grades and entering a reflections contest.

She is such a smart, helpful, talented and awesome girl. 

It's been fun to hold Lexie in front of the mirror. She's not quite sure what to think. 

Daddy has noticed she likes to be balanced while being bounced and it puts her into a trance if she's tired. It's pretty cute to watch him with her. 

This picture was taken during Lexie's nap. That is sweat from her head. No lie. She is a hot box like you! 

I love that she puts her arm above her shoulders like this. 

I can't believe she will be 3 months old in 4 days. She is giving lots of smiles to us. 

She loves to chew and naw on her hand. She almost had her whole first in there. She's working on it. 

Sleepy time.

Sleepy smiles. 

This week was the 3 year mark of Atticus' passing. The girls wore there super atti shirts! Claire was in bed sick. :(

We went to his grave, sang him a song and doorbell ditched auntie Cindy. We totally thought we got away with leaving the surprise but she saw us through the office window the whole time. Lol

Claire bear took some selfies on the drive.

Love her.

Hallie was working for quite a while on this picture for auntie Cindy. She is so sweet AND talented. :) 

We love Atticus. I told him to hug you for me. Us mammas sure miss our boys. 

I love you and miss you.  

I will keep trying my best. 

Thank goodness the Savior 

promised to make up the rest.

Xoxo

Me  

Memorial Day

We went to visit your grave on Memorial Day. It was beautiful to see flowers everywhere from family and loved ones who had visited. Here are your sweet sisters. 

I loved seeing the flags around the border of the entire cemetery. It was beautiful. 

We went to the Memorial Day picnic at the church and it was just great spending the day together. 

I am so grateful for those who have fought for our freedom. I can't express my gratitude for those that gave their lives for us. The biggest sacrifice of all. My heart goes out to the family members they left behind. I wish I could hug and thank all of them. 

Here was the sky after a huge storm during the day. It was 10 times more beautiful in person. 

I love you, mister.  

Xoxo

Mom 

Lexie's Blessing

On Sunday, May 3 was Lexie's blessing Day. The blessing dress all your sisters wore had seen better days. It was yellowed from each of them spitting up on it and I didn't see a way to salvage it. So I started searching online. Much harder to find what I envisioned than I thought. I finally found one on an etsy shop that they custom make. The crazy thing is that the dress was made in Poland. But I loved it and so we bought it. Dad just smiles and goes along with crazy things like this. He's such a good sport. I made sure Lexie wore a bib after she was blessed so she didn't spit up on it. I want her to be able to use it for her daughters one day.

The morning of the blessing I said to Akexis, "okay honey, it's your day, make it a good one." She totally listened. She was so good not just during the blessing but the entire day!!!!! It was so nice to see her happy and content. The blessing was beautiful.

Here's our 5th little princess. I still am in awe that I have 5 daughters and a son.

Oh how I wish you were in this picture. I like to think you were there.

We had family and friends over after for a bite to eat and to talk. It sure was nice.

I was so happy that both sets of grandparents were here. It's a memory I will always hold close to my heart. We are so grateful for our families. We are so very blessed. It's pretty awesome that uncle Josh and Aunt Carol live in Texas again and that we got to have them come too.

Alexis has really started to give smiles and we take as many as we can get! When she smiles she raises her eyebrows. It's pretty adorable!

Oh I just love her so.

Papa got soooo many smiles out of her. It was just the cutest!!!

Longest time she was happy and awake so far. 

What a ham!

Your older sisters made a spa for your Gram and Granny and they gave them pedicures. It was pretty darn cute! 

Gram said Claire was quite the natural. Apparently Gram and I are both extremely ticklish on the bottoms of our feet on our arches. ;)

Grandpa took a turn holding you but you weren't to thrilled since you wanted to eat.

 Your sisters got to take some half days at school to spend time with grandparents. They, of course, were wanting full days off. Silly girls.

It was so wonderful celebrating Lexie's blessing. Loved having grandparents here. Loved sharing this special day. Sure do love you, Caleb.

xoxo

Mom

Peek

Here is a peek at Lexie's blessing dress. She was blessed the first week in May and she did so great. She looks like a princess doesn't she? Sure love her.

She discovered her hand today.

She had slobber all over her face by the time she was done.

I wonder if she'll be able to put her fist in her mouth like me. Yes, sadly my mouth is that big.

She's 10 weeks old already! She is giving me a few more minutes of awake happy time. I just wish I knew how to help her. She gets so upset and cries so much it breaks by heart. I keep telling daddy that it's a good thing she's so cute! 

This week has been really hard. Well who am I kidding, the last year and a half have been hard. But I'm feeling the weight of everything a lot lately. Mother's Day was especially hard. Your daddy and sisters did so much for me and made it truly special but I've never had a Mother's Day with a baby gone before. There's an ache and emptiness I can't even describe. I love you so very much. I miss you, Caleb. 

One day at a time. I've made it through a lot of one day at a times. Hopefully I'll get to a place where it doesn't take so much out of me to make it through each day. 

Sure do miss you. 

Xoxo

Mom 

Julia's Birthday

Julia had her 6th birthday party. She was set on having it frozen themed even though Audrey did a frozen party last fall. Julia knew what she wanted and was so excited! 

I used the decorations from Audrey's party and my sweet friend let me borrow her decorations as well. I was happy with the way it turned out. So was julia. As we know Lexie is really colicky and I was so worried I wouldnt get things done. Amazingly enough the day before the party she took 2-3 naps by herself and I did almost all the baking and prepping. I was soooo grateful for that little miracle! 

We did a pajama party and had crepes which was awesome except for the fact that it's kind of hard to make crepes with a newborn. Daddy had been working like crazy and had already gone into work at 5:00am. Your sisters helped me set things up and were so sweet.  At 9:00 an hour before the party started I still hadnt been able to make the crepes. I heard the garage door open and there was dad ready to help. He made over 50 crepes and finished just before the guests arrived. He was waiting on documents to come in to review and figured he'd wait at home and go back to work when they got there. Talk about perfect timing. He seriously saved the party! Goodness I love him. 

The birthday girl all ready for her friends to arrive. She had been asking for MONTHS when her party would come. She was soooooo excited! 

Love this little spunk ball! 

They played pass the balloon while the guests arrived. 

Then ate yummy breakfast, thanks to dad. 

I wasn't sure how I was going to do the party with all 15 kids and a newborn but dad still didn't have the documents so he held Lexie in our room while we partied it up. 

Next was the scavenger hunt! 

The girls loved it. 

They all got a glittery Anna and Elsa poster to color at the end of the hunt. 

Then we sang to julia and had cake and ice cream. 

Of course I love group pictures! 

Each guest got a lip balm Olaf! 

Julia was very excited to open her presents and very excited to have her friends over. She is a social butterfly. 

This julia may is a ray of sunshine. She adds fun and laughter to our family only she could add. I thought for years that she was my last baby and boy was I wrong, twice in fact. She has become quite the reader and loves school. She gives your sister 25,000 kisses and I'm still working on when are good times to give them. For example, giving Lexie a big kiss and rubbing her head causing her to wake up after she's been bawling is not a good time. Her response is always, "I'm sorry she's just so cute." So true. Julia loves you like crazy and still talks about you at school. She adores you. We are so glad julia is part of our family. 

I realized I may not have posted your other sister's parties last year. I will do something about that if that's the case...huge oversight on my part. 

Well Lexie is crying I better run. Sure do love you mister. Your sisters party was a success. Wish you could have been there with ice cream all over your face in your high chair. :) 

Xoxo 

Mom