Sweet Valentines Surprise

I've been subbing a few times every week and I've enjoyed it. It's good for me to get out and do something and it's always nice to put more money towards chipping away at our debt. When I subbed on Thursday last week for a teacher at Hartman I glanced at her bulletin board where she has pictures of her family and saw the sweetest little valentines looking at me. It melted my heart to see you on her board next to your sister Audrey. 

What a beautiful baby and first grader!!! Sure love my babies. 

This weekend has been a tough one. I've been having dreams the past few nights that are very difficult. Dreams of problems with this pregnancy. Being taken to the hospital in an ambulance and seeing your sisters crying faces as I have to leave. Not knowing how this pregnancy will end as I cry in the hospital. I know they are just dreams but they are hard to shake. I am still learning how to put my trust in Heavenly Fathers plan for each of his children even despite all we have already gone through. As I was eating before church today I was overcome with emotion as I thought about the possibility of Alexis being born too early and it was hard to control my crying. I thought, "I can't go through that again. I couldn't do it." And then a few moments later I thought, "Yes, somehow I would." Although I know that Heavebly Fathers ways are higher than my ways and that he knows all its still tricky. Im trying my very best and putting one foot in front of the other each day. Ultimately I know he knows what is best for His children and as hard as trials are, I trust him. It doesn't mean it's easy but it is most definitely worth it. One day at a time...

I love you, baby boy. More than you'll ever know. 

All my love,

Mom

We Made It

Well, we have made it past the day in this pregnancy that my water broke with you. Alexis Grace is 19 weeks 6 days old and still has fluid! Alexis gave the thumbs up sign during her ultrasound!!! 

Her appointment went well and she is a healthy mover and shaker. All her organs are working the way they should and she's active like her brother. She seriously moves like crazy. Your sisters keep asking when they can feel her kick...hopefully soon. She measures around 8 ounces and is right on target. So far so good! 

Bring on the maternity clothes! My pants are getting a bit uncomfortable so I know I'll be pulling them out soon. Wait, I never had maternity clothes with you because I never wore any before the hospital. Good thing I have friends that share! 

Sure love all my babies. 

Claire Olivia

Hallie Elizabeth

Audrey Lynn

Julia May 

Caleb Luke 

Alexis Grace 

Goodness you all have awesome names!

Xoxo

Mom

Conversations

Last night I got a text from Julia's Kindergarten teacher. Here is what it said:

I love getting texts from her and I love hearing about how much Julia talks about you. It melts my heart too. Julia's Kinder teacher has become a very close friend of mine. She had her water break at 22 weeks with twins that are in Heaven with you.  She has been a huge support to me and I am so grateful she is Julia's teacher this year. 

On March 1, this spring, she ran a half marathon for you.  I texted her this picture of you and a note encouraging her when the race was getting tough. Nurse Shannon wrote it up for us since we weren't there yet. We brought your medal to the hospital.

We are surrounded by people who love you, sweet boy. 

I loved watching you sleep on your tummy and it was your favorite position.. You looked so cozy and so tiny. Once you got your trach you seldom liked your tummy anymore. I think it pushed on the collar and I'm sure it wasn't comfortable. Your nurses tried lots of jerry rigging but it was pretty tough to find a way where it was comfy. So your sides became your favorite. You were such an amazing trooper with such a sweet disposition and happy temperament. Goodness you are special. 

On the way to school this morning this was the conversation.

Hallie: Are we going to spell Alexis' nick name L-E-X-I?

Me: I don't know I think we will spell it L-E-X-I-E.

Hallie: Oh bummer, Mrs. Samples has a daughter that spells hers L-E-X-I.

Me: Well, you know if we do I-E it's spelled like your name.

Hallie: (with a huge grin) I think that would be okay!!!

Hallie: When she's in trouble you'll say, "ALEXIS GRACE!"

Audrey: It even sounds pretty when you say it like that.

Hallie: Yeah, it does.

Julia: We would say, you go to your room because you're too cute to be out here.

Hallie: She would even have to stand in the corner at school because she would be too cute.

Your sisters are seriously adorable. Oh my goodness I love them. 

I get to see pictures of your baby sister today. Speaking of, I'd better go get ready for my appointment. First I have to show you the picture of the sky in Utah this morning that Auntie Angie texted me. It's perfectly breathtaking, just like you.

I love you, sweet boy,

all the way to heaven and back.

xoxo

Mom

10 Months Ago

10 months ago my life changed forever when you came into the world, Caleb Luke. Here are some things I love about you.

I LOVE that you were born with a full head of hair. My favorite was when Nurse Adrianne started doing it spiked. Years ago when I thought of having a son, spikey hair was top on my list for how I pictured him to be. I love your dark brown spikey hair. 

I love your eyes. I love the depth I saw when I looked into them. Dark brown with beautiful long eyelashes. There were days I could see your soul when I stared into them and what a beautiful spirit you have, sweet boy. 

I love that even though you were born so very tiny that you chunked up and had rolls of fat, lots of chins, a dimple in your knee and rubber band wrists. Oh and your cheeks. So chubby and kissable. 

I love love love your dimples. I remember seeing both of them for the first time the day you smiled at me for the first time. Oh my goodness your smile melted my heart and still does. 

I love how excited you started getting when we would come visit. Your happiness and excitement was so pure and those memories I will cherish forever. 

I love that you have your daddy's long toes. I love that you look like your daddy. Your distinct eyebrows sure take after your daddy too. And your long dark eyelashes...your dads. 

You have touched so many hearts and lives in your short time on earth and I couldn't be more proud and honored to be your mother. 

Some of my favorite memories with you (I'm so grateful to have these and more). 

1. When your sisters met you for the first time.

2. Watching you drink from a bottle for the first and only time.

3. Seeing your entire face for the first time when you were 4 months old. Oh my goodness you are beautiful. 

4. Sleeping with you in my arms the night before you slipped back to heaven. 

5. Singing songs to you each time I got to be with you while holding your hand by your bedside. 

6. Holding you for the very first time when you were over 20 days old. 

7. When your sisters got to hold you their very first time when you were 5 months old. 

8. The first time you smiled at me. My cheeks were burning because I was grinning for so long. 

9. When you started sticking your tongue out. It was so funny and adorable.  

10. Reading and singing to you when I was pregnant and in the hospital night after night. 

Here are some things you should know...

Claire sleeps with the picture of her holding you next to her. She sure loves you. I often find dozens of used tissues next to her bed. 

Julia draws pictures of you constantly and they melt my heart. She prays you'll make friends in heaven like Atticus and prays you'll be friends with "lots of babies." 

Audrey and Hallie are overcome with their feelings for you out of the blue. They sure miss you and pray that you'll know we love you. 

Our family is strengthened and comforted and can feel the savior helping us especially during intense and difficult moments and days. You are so very loved and so very missed. Each memory is forever cherished. I am in awe at the tender mercies and many miracles we have witnessed in the last year. 

I love you, son. Happy 10 month birthday, mister mister. 

Xoxo

Mom

3 Months

As I miss you sweet boy I am caught up in gratitude for the grace of my savior, the love of my father in heaven and the hope and knowledge that we will be together again. I love you, sweet boy. So very much. 

Xoxo

Mom 

Sweet Boy

We love and miss you, Caleb. So very much. 

Something to Look to

Well my sweet boy, your sister has a name as of today. The girls have been begging and insisting to decide on a name. Daddy, Claire and Hallie all came up with a name (seperately which is really special) that they love. And Audrey, Julia, and I love it too. 

I have been really into the meaning of names this time around. The meaning is a big deal to me in light of the things that we have endured this past year. So when I looked up the meaning it fit so well. So here it is...

Alexis Grace 

We picked Grace first. Your sisters suggested the name and it's always been a favorite of mine. But when I was reading a book, given to me by a dear friend, about grieving the loss of a child there was a section on grace. As I read the words of the author Fran Haden, "While the Savior's mercy is 'the spirit of compassion, tenderness, and forgiveness' grace is the 'divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ...made possible by his atoning sacrifice," I was overcome with feelings of tenderness and felt a connection to my Savior and for your baby sister. 

Alexis means helper/defender. Your sister will be one that helps all of us remember the grace only the Savior can bring. Your dad has always loved the name Alexis and I think it's beautiful. It makes my heart happy that daddy picked her name along with your sisters. 

Yesterday and today I have been blessed to feel the nudges and summersaults of your baby sister over and over during conference. It makes me smile and feel happiness in my heart. 

As today is the date that my water broke with you and the hospital stay began (between the two of us it was over 9 months) I want today to hold meaning in a new way too. It is through the help and grace of our Savior that we have endured this past year. Without Him I would be lost. We would all be lost and unable to return to our heavenly father's presence. So today as we remember the day that changed the course of what we had planned for your life, it marks the happiness and gratitude I feel for my savior and the hope His grace brings to be together as a family again. And so is the name of your baby sister, Alexis Grace. 

All my love,

Mom

Everywhere

As the song, "Sky full of Stars," becomes more and more popular it plays quite often. It plays everywhere.  Its a wonderful thing because it reminds me of you but it is also very hard because sometimes the feelings that the song brings (the last few weeks with you and the last night with you) make it very hard to keep from crying. The feelings and emotions that swell in my heart come to the surface so vividly and then the ache takes over reminding me you are gone. 

We went to the Texas State Fair a few days ago and boy was it hot. The girls had a great time though and I loved watching their excitement. Dad was working hard on a 200 million dollar deal that closed that same day. Talk about stressful. Sheesh. Your dad is amazing. While we were trying to find the petting zoo, "Sky Full of Stars," came on and my heart just longed for you. I burst into tears. Hallie was next to me and cried too. I was able to pull it together pretty quickly so everyone else at the fair we were with didn't notice. 

At the end of the afternoon when we were leaving the song came on again but I was able to smile and think of you without sobbing. 

Sissies with Big Tex...

Shopping day was an adventure. I went to Walmart with Julia and the power went out because of a storm. So we had to leave our cart full of groceries and go home, but not before we took a pic together. 

When we went back today to get the groceries again we stopped at Costco to fill ink cartridges and your song was on again. 

I didn't realize until after that you can't see the tv image very well in the pic but it's Cold Play singing. "Sky full of stars." Julia danced in the isle and my heart swelled with love for you, sweet boy. 

After running errands the song came on again as we pulled into the garage and my emotions overcame me. Julia and I just cried together. She asked why Heavenly Father needed you in heaven and said she wished you would have been able to breathe so you could have stayed here. It's amazing how quickly my emotions can get under control when one of your sisters is crying for you and needs me to be strong. Not that it's not okay to cry together, we do, but usually your sisters need me to help remind them of your special purpose and I am grateful for the strength I'm given to be able to do that.

Although today is not the 5th of October, which is when my water broke last year, it IS Saturday which was the day it happened. The first weekend of October is conference weekend for our church every year where all members watch the conference that is broadcasted across the world. We listen to our church leaders via lds.org and are edified and uplifted through talks, songs, and prayers. I was listening to conference on the couch while on bed rest when my water started leaking. Conference will always bring thoughts and emotions about your short but beautiful life. 

As Fall comes every year I don't know why exactly but I am always overcome with feelings of excitement and happiness. The smells and colder air instantly bring those feelings. Maybe it's times from childhood, maybe it's that that was the time of year that your Dad and I started planning our wedding, or maybe it's that the holidays are around the corner and everything the holidays mean. Whatever the reason I love the fall. But as I felt the cold air and inhaled the smell of fall the feelings of excitement and hapiness started to come but were immediately cut short and the ache in my heart and longing for you came full force. It was so hard to think about Fall without you here, to feel the excitement for a moment of holidays but then realize a part of me is gone that will always be missing until I see you again. You have a piece of my heart that only belongs to you. So do each of your sisters and your daddy. No one will ever replace the piece that is yours. 

I am, however, very grateful that I am with your sisters and daddy at home right now.  That this pregnancy is going well so far and that I may be able to spend this time of year with them instead of in a hostpital bed. That was tough last year. I am grateful for all the blessings Heavenly Father so graciously gives us. The blessings I am given are endless just as my love for you is.

I love you, Caleb. 

Forever and always. 

Xoxo

Mom