Your 3rd Birthday Party

We celebrated you in full swing. 

It was so nice to be with family this year but we sure missed 

our NICU and Texas families. 

We started with a photo booth but our family is too big for the backdrop!

Love that nieces and nephews could come!

Your cousin Cohen is an awesome poser, he always cracks us up.

Aunt Michelle looks amazing! I think she should be a professional wonder woman.

Even Ollie wore a superhero mask!

You birthday cake...

..and cupcakes. 

Although I was too emotional to sing to you Maddie really

wanted to. So we sang and cried. I hope you heard us.

 The family all got superhero necklaces to remind them of you!

 We were able to collect enough lovies for the 49 babies in the Utah Valley NICU!

We are so grateful for the family and friends that help us do this.

 Here's the crew of cousins. Wishing we had all the cousins in the picture.

 Lexie has the biggest sweet tooth!

 Partying it up!!!

We love you, Caleb. Happy 3rd birthday!!!!

xoxo

Mom

3 Years

Your third birthday is a day away
I miss you more than words can say

I wish you were here to celebrate
with frosting and cake all over your face

I remember like yesterday just when you were born
My heart eager to meet you yet incredibly torn

The doctors didn't think you'd make it that night
I remember my confused and desperate plight

But make it through the night you did
while Daddy stayed by the side of your crib

Days and months somehow passed by
Dreams of taking you home with us set high

Day after day our arms remained empty
Our burdens seemed hard and sometimes too heavy

I thought the miracles surrounding your birth
meant we would get to raise you on earth

At near 7 months your path became clear
And grateful we were to have time with you here

To hold you, love you and kiss your sweet face
Those blessings were given by God's very grace

At just 6 months old you were given your wings
Because you were meant for incredible things

As I think of you, Caleb, my angel above
I am grateful to feel of my Savior's deep love

For even when life doesn't go how we think
God is always there if we seek

With the pain and grief always there
The savior somehow makes it possible to bear

One day I know we will see you again
And so I'll just have to wait until then

I love you to heaven and back

xoxo

Mom

Burdens

Our church is doing #lighttheworld where we serve in 25 ways for 25 days to share the light of our Savior this Christmas season. Today we are encouraged to share an experience when prayer helped us  carry a burden. What immediately enters my mind is when Caleb was still here and he was so sick. I remember going to the hospital day after day hoping he would get better but being weighed down with the uncertainty and the reality of his situation. That burden was so heavy. So many days I would just sob when I left, or sob when I held him, or sob when another baby went home, or sob when I read a story that turned out differently than ours, or sob when I was in my closet, or sob on my way to see him. That time in my life was excruciatingly painful. Some days I didn't know how I could keep going. I said a lot of prayers. There were days my tears stopped quickly, my heart and mind were comforted and a calmness came to me that was from somewhere else. That comfort and peace came from my savior and I know he helped  me carry my very heavy burdens. Even now I am burdened with the loss of my only son. The pain and heartache continues daily, some days harder than others. It is still a heavy burden. But I still receive a comfort and peace from my Savior. I am forever grateful for my savior and the light he gives me in my darkest hours. He is the light of the world. How special he is to me in my life.

Perfectly Patient

I think one of the hardest things about losing a child is the heartache you experience because you're human when interacting with your children that are still here.

I know what it's like to hold a child for the last time. I know what it's like to hold my son and watch him take his last breaths. I know what it's like to have to hand my baby to a kind man in a cold metal room and have to walk away. I know what it's like to see my child for the last time on earth. All those things are hard. Excruciatingly hard.

Knowing, feeling and experiencing those things have made a part of my heart break and remain broken. As I try to live with that broken heart, with a part missing from me, it's hard. Unbelievably hard. I get to spend time with my 5 amazing daughters, kiss them and hug them and spend hours and hours with them. But knowing, feeling and experiencing what I have with Caleb makes me feel guilty, exponentially more than I did before losing him, for being human with the children still here. I don't want to yell, I don't want to lose my patience, I want to savor every single moment with my babies. I know what it's like to blink and not get any more of those moments. But I'm human. Losing my child did not make me a perfect mother. Losing one child didn't make me perfectly patient with my others. Oh how I wish it did.

Feeling to the core that each moment is precious and longing for more time with one baby makes me feel so terrible about the moments I fail with my babies that are still here. I wish I could do what I know and feel. I wish I could think straighter when my kids are acting up. Love deeper when they won't go to bed. Be kinder when they fight. Bite my tongue instead of snapping. Be present in all of my interactions. The list goes on. And on.

Living day to day knowing what I know, but acting and falling short like I do, make me feel like a failure. Mom guilt for falling short is real, it's seriosuly tough. Mom guilt for your imperfections and desire to be perfect for your children is on a level I can't even explain after you've had to bury a child. It is one of the absolute hardest things after losing a child. I think what I have learned the most, and am still learning, is that I need my Savior more than I ever truly realized. Because of Him I can and get to try again tomorrow. Because of my imperfections I recognize how much I need Him. How much he strengthens me. He is my advoate and will make up the difference if I keep trying each day. I am so thankful for my Savior and his grace. For his abiding and constant love.

For now I will keep trying. Goodness its hard. But we all know life isn't easy. We make the best of our circumstances and try to make each day better than the last, knowing and trusting that the Savior will make up where we fall short.

xoxo

Lovey Delivery

I can't believe it's been 2 years since I held you in my arms. I miss you deeply and love you fiercely. I'm so grateful and proud to by your mother, son. 

We went to Jordan Valley NICU today. Aunt Amanda works there and when you were in the NICU after you were born she was always asking the doctors there questions about your case. They were so great to answer her question and help us understand things. 

I sure wish you were here in person to give these lovies to the fighters with us. 

So grateful for our family and that we will all be together again one day. The knowledge that families are eternal keeps me going. 

Ellen was the doctor that Amanda constantly consulted and talked to. It was great to meet her and thank her in person. 

We loved having Aunt Amanda take us around her NICU. 

We loved feeling a connection to the NICU since we couldn't be at yours. We really have a place in our hearts for every single NICU. You spent your entire life there and I'm so grateful for the memories we got to make together. 

I called auntie Angie this morning to see if she could make us something to take to the NICU explaining why they are getting a lovey. She made this with the words I wanted and it couldn't be more perfect. So grateful. 

I love you, Caleb Luke. 

To heaven and back. 

It's coming

We are getting closer to your two year angelversary. I still can't believe your time came to go back to heaven so soon. I miss you. So much I can't express it. July 8th, 2014 was such a hard day. I can't believe our family went through all we did. I dread that date but it's almost here again. When you have lost someone you relive the day they passed away when it comes. It's such a hard day. 

I love you so much, Caleb. I'm so thankful you're my son. So thankful I was chosen to be your mother. Thank you for everything you taught me. I am a much better person because of you. 

Love you to heaven and back. 

Xoxo

Mom 

Busy

Wow life is sure busy. Especially with your 5 sisters. They keep me busy and on my toes. Sometimes it's hard that things are so busy because I feel like I don't get to write to you as much as I want to. No matter what gets done there's always more that could have been done or should have been done. But I am grateful I get to do everything with them. It was so hard when I was in the hospital for weeks and weeks and couldn't do anything form them. I love being home and enjoying them. I sure wish you were running around the house too. I miss you and love you more than you could ever know. 

Hallie got an award in music for her hard work and dedication in orf ensemble. Out of all the student only 4 got a special award and she was one of them. She would go in early before school day after day to practice. So happy for her! 

The girls got to go to a daddy daughter dance that was a sock hop for a faith in God activity and they had a blast. Your dad sure is awesome!!! 

Julia had her field trip to the zoo and was beyond excited. She absolutely loved it. 

Audrey and Hallie were goofing around before bed and Audrey slit her eye brow in the corner of the wall. Thankfully she didn't need stitches so Dr Britt glued her back together for us! 

Dad and I got to go on a date night with some friends and had a great time! 

We went to a crawfish boil and had such a great time. 2nd one we've been to after 10 years in Texas! 

The girls can't get enough puppies! 

Lexie's new face when she's excited!!! 

The girls did run club and got to do a color run. Here's before: 

And here's after: 

Julia was in a play at school the BUGZ musical and she was the cutest butterfly ever. She had a few speaking parts and did an awesome job! 

Lexie has entered the dangerous stage. 

Claire tried out for freshman cheer and daddy sent her flowers. 

I need to find the pic of Claire after making the team. She worked so hard and I am so excited for her. We screamed our heads off in the car when we found out she made it. 

Well I'd better go. Claire has awards today and there's always a million things on the to do list. Its a good thing though! ;) 

I love you, son. 

Xoxo

Mom 

March of Dimes Walk

We did our walk to honor you again this year. Can't believe it's already our second walk. We got to meet some amazing new families whose babies were also in the NICU. One of the families, the Kramers, have twin girls. Stella got to go home much sooner than Katie. Katie has a trach like you did and had a very hard and difficult road in the NICU. I'm so happy she got to go home to her family after months and months and months fighting for her life. She actually received 2 lovies from us while she was in the hospital when we went for your angelversary last year as well as your birthday. It makes my heart so happy to know they got lovies from you. 

The other family we met, the Hills, had triplets and their oldest triplet Christipher is in heaven with you. I'm sure you're friends and watch over us. They are both amazing families and I feel so honored that they joined our team. 

They did the path of hope to honor or give memory to those in the NICU. Pretty sure I submitted your entry at the last second and didn't realize I put your birthday wrong. Oops. Next year I'll get it right. :) 

When i saw this headband for Lexie I had to buy it. The colors are perfect for your walk. Only somehow I dropped it in the parking lot and I was devastated. Sweet Hallie bought her a new one for the next walk and it arrived yesterday. She is such a tender hearted girl. 

We loved walking for you, Caleb. Your NICU buddies were there in spirit. One had to get staples cause he fell off the couch the night before..poor boy.  Another NICU friend's mom had to work and she couldn't come alone. ;) Another buddy moved to the east coast so they couldn't come. But we could feel their love along with our family that couldn't come. 

Oh sweet boy, if you only knew how much you are loved and missed. 

I love you to heaven and back. 

Xoxo

Mom 

No way around it

My heart just aches for you. It feels as though my arms haven't held you for decades and my heart has been broken for centuries. It hasn't even been 2 years since you slipped back to heaven and yet it feels like forever since I was able to kiss you. This mama heart is tired of hurting. 

I love you, son. 

Xoxo

Mom 

P.S. Now that this day is over and I read what I wrote I am so grateful that these intense moments of sadness aren't what I feel all the time. I of course ache for you daily but I am so grateful for the strength and comfort I receive constantly from my Savior. 

Caleb's Courage T-Shirts

I'm so excited about these shirts to celebrate Caleb and the other Dallas Presby babies. If you would like to order a shirt to honor Caleb (along with names on the back of other babies who are prresby proud), whether you're walking with us or not, they will be $16. What is left over after paying for the shirt will go towards March of Dimes fundraising!!! 

Keep in mind the women's t-shirts are fitted not the typical baggy t-shirt. 

Women's: xs, s, m, l, xl, xxl, xxxl, xxxxl. 

Men's: xs, s, m, l, xl, xxl, xxxl, xxxxl. 

Youth: xs, s, m, l, xl

Shirts are royal blue.

You can send money to me via PayPal to make it super easy. Leahefish@gmail.com or if you want my home address send me an email. 

Please let me know by 4:00pm tomorrow if you want one and what size. Sorry the notice is so short but this weekend was a doozy. All is well but let's just say there was very little sleep involved. Spread the word, please! 😀

Thanks in advance!

Xoxo 

This is the front of the shirt:

The back says Presby Proud with a list of presby babies. So excited! 

No, thank you

That's my response when I think about losing a loved one. Simply put, "No, thank you." No one wants to lose someone close to them. No one wants to be without them. Facing each day is hard. And honestly, no one grieving wants to grieve or even knows how to grieve. But when someone earns their angel wings we are forced to face our grieving.  I think we all wish we could grow really really old with everyone we care about. Goodness I wish I could grow old with Caleb here AND his sisters.

This post if for my sister, Angie. 

Just a few short weeks ago she found out that her best friend, Emily, passed away in a tragic accident. She was so close to her and they really were (and still are) deeply connected. I wish she didn't have to go through this and I know she wishes she doesn't either. When someone you love loses someone there really isn't a whole lot we can do...especially when you live 1200 miles away. So I am writing this to offer some words of love and encouragement. Hopefully something I write will help her or someone else in some small way. I pray something does.

1. Take things ONE DAY even ONE HOUR at a time. After the funeral you will be amazed you made it through but then you are faced with really being without the one you lost. It seems impossible to think about moving on. Don't think too far ahead. Honestly and truly take things one day at a time. And sometimes within those days you can really only manage to get through an hour at a time. That's normal. Just focus on each day or each hour and don't let your mind go too far. I kept busy so I didn't have too much time on my hands but made sure when I need some time I took it.

2. Pray. A lot. Honestly, I pretty much pray all the time. I just talk to Heavenly Father. I don't get on my knees to have a formal prayer most of the time. It's more of a way of life now. I feel my savior near me and I feel his support. That is the only way I am able to do what I do. To go from one day to the next. My savior is my rock and he always calms my heart when I feel it's too shattered and I can't move or breathe. He is my foundation, therefore, I cannot fall. His foundation is sure. He will calm your troubled heart too, Ang.

3. Don't cry for too long. This seems strange but I quickly learned that when I sob, and I mean sob until my face goes numb, that there comes a point when that crying does more harm than good. Crying is therapeutic but when we completely lose control we go in a downwards spiral. Same thing with our thoughts while we are crying or not crying. I have found that after I have a good cry, I pause to listen and then I grasp a thought that the spirit sends me.  I hold onto that comforting thought or word or memory or whatever it may be and then focus on that instead of my complete sorrow. I soon feel strengthened and comforted and able to get up and brush my knees off for the day.

4. You will not be yourself socially. This was extremely new and hard for me. Being around people is difficult. A lot of people will want to talk about things that you don't feel like you can talk about. I've talked about layering your heart in a post before but you have to layer it to get through the day. Being around people is one of the easiest ways to suddenly expose a layer of your heart you've been so bravely keeping covered. IT WILL GET BETTER! Being around people will get better. Just give yourself time. Be open and honest with those that are close to you and let them know what you're  thinking and feeling generally. Like, "hey, I'm having a hard time talking about xxx but I still want to be around you. Would you mind if we waited to talk about xxx until I bring it up?" Try something  like that to help with the situations that arise when you are around certain people. They will love and appreciate you telling them. Avoiding seems like a great solution at first, but then you soon learn that you can't avoid them forever and honestly you don't want to because you care about them. 

5. You'll feel like you're going through motions. Each day is just weird. You can't put your finger on it. You are missing the person you lost so badly that you don't want to do normal things. But then there is a part of you that wants to do something normal. So you might do something normal that seems fun but then suddenly you are faced with the fact that things aren't normal and you aren't reacting the way you have in the past. IT TAKES TIME TO CREATE A NEW NORMAL. It will be a process but you will get to a new normal. You will create ways you are able to cope with the loss of Emily. You will find ways to connect yourself to her every day but just give yourself time. My links to Caleb are my new normal. And some of Zeb's links to Caleb are different than mine. We all grieve differently. We all create a new normal differently. And that's okay. Eventually when you get to your new normal you will realize you have created links to Emily and ways to honor her. These things  will become a passion for you. And you will feel closer to her in those moments. It's quite beautiful. 

6. You'll feel guilty sometimes. Someone will be crying because they miss them but you are fine in that moment. It feels strange. Someone will break down crying and you feel like you can't shed a tear at all.  It is totally normal. Our bodies have to go into certain modes and shut off certain gears in order to survive. We couldn't possibly cry all the time every day. Our bodies wouldn't be able to do that. It takes so much out of us that eventually our bodies take us to a "place" where we function on a different level. Don't feel guilty someone is crying and your aren't. Don't feel guilty that they are doing x and you aren't. Don't feel guilty for those things.

It isn't productive. We ALL GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY and that is 100 percent okay.

7. You'll feel stuck, but it will get better. I promise.

8.You can do this. Oh my goodness you can do this. I know you and I know you will get through this.

Those are all the things that came to my mind right away and Lexie Lou is awake now.

This the only recent picture of us when we went to Tanner's wrestling match. And he WON!!!! ;)

By the way, I I adore you.

One day at a time. With lots of prayers. With strength from our Savior. You will slowly create your new normal. You will find your links to Emily that help you feel close to her and help you through the day. You will find your special ways to honor her and her amazing life. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time. You are doing this and you will continue to, one day at a time.

Another day down.

Your biggest cheerleader,

xoxo

LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me

Snowboarding at Brighton

We had such a great time when we went to Utah in January!

We bought the girls snowboards and gear for Christmas. They were so excited to learn how to snowboard. Dad was pretty excited to teach them!

They were ready to hit the mountain. I drove up with Lexie one day to take pictures.

Claire Bear

Hallie Ballie

Audrey Boo

Jules

Is this not just the cutest picture EVER? They all looked so cute in their gear. 

Love these girls.

It was snowing so naturally you've got to try and eat the snow.

The gang with Dad. 

Audrey.

Julia learning. They each did lessons with an instructor and that helped them a ton! Much better than just trying to figure it out.

Claire.

Julia without the instructor.

Each of the waiting for their turn.

Hallie.

The girls rocked snowboarding. They did such a great job! Their snow gear definitely kept them warm. They were a little disappointed that wake boarding didn't translate to snowboarding but they definitely knew about catching their toe edge from wake boarding. They are quite the little snowboarders, even Julia. 

Daddy fed Lexie some snow. She thought it was pretty tasty.

Gosh I love these two.

Daddy and the girls went boarding with Jason, Steph, and their girls. Dad said boarding was like riding a bike. He and Jason went down the mountain and through the snowboard park together just like old times. I love their friendship. 

I love that Dad does such fun and active things with the girls. I know he wishes he could teach you to wakeboard and snowboard and everything else under the sun. We both do.

Sure love you, buddy!

Can you believe your sisters are snowboarders! ;)

xoxo

Mom