Perfectly Patient

I think one of the hardest things about losing a child is the heartache you experience because you're human when interacting with your children that are still here.

I know what it's like to hold a child for the last time. I know what it's like to hold my son and watch him take his last breaths. I know what it's like to have to hand my baby to a kind man in a cold metal room and have to walk away. I know what it's like to see my child for the last time on earth. All those things are hard. Excruciatingly hard.

Knowing, feeling and experiencing those things have made a part of my heart break and remain broken. As I try to live with that broken heart, with a part missing from me, it's hard. Unbelievably hard. I get to spend time with my 5 amazing daughters, kiss them and hug them and spend hours and hours with them. But knowing, feeling and experiencing what I have with Caleb makes me feel guilty, exponentially more than I did before losing him, for being human with the children still here. I don't want to yell, I don't want to lose my patience, I want to savor every single moment with my babies. I know what it's like to blink and not get any more of those moments. But I'm human. Losing my child did not make me a perfect mother. Losing one child didn't make me perfectly patient with my others. Oh how I wish it did.

Feeling to the core that each moment is precious and longing for more time with one baby makes me feel so terrible about the moments I fail with my babies that are still here. I wish I could do what I know and feel. I wish I could think straighter when my kids are acting up. Love deeper when they won't go to bed. Be kinder when they fight. Bite my tongue instead of snapping. Be present in all of my interactions. The list goes on. And on.

Living day to day knowing what I know, but acting and falling short like I do, make me feel like a failure. Mom guilt for falling short is real, it's seriosuly tough. Mom guilt for your imperfections and desire to be perfect for your children is on a level I can't even explain after you've had to bury a child. It is one of the absolute hardest things after losing a child. I think what I have learned the most, and am still learning, is that I need my Savior more than I ever truly realized. Because of Him I can and get to try again tomorrow. Because of my imperfections I recognize how much I need Him. How much he strengthens me. He is my advoate and will make up the difference if I keep trying each day. I am so thankful for my Savior and his grace. For his abiding and constant love.

For now I will keep trying. Goodness its hard. But we all know life isn't easy. We make the best of our circumstances and try to make each day better than the last, knowing and trusting that the Savior will make up where we fall short.

xoxo