Time

Well sweet boy, time is a strange thing. I hate that time passes and that we get further from the day that I held you in my arms, kissed your sweet face and held your chubby hands. But as time passes Alexis gets healthier and stronger. Time can be a very frustrating thing in life, especially when you have someone so close to you in heaven. When I was on bed rest with you I wanted lots of time to pass by quickly! I guess no matter where we are in life there's always a part of us that wishes we could freeze time or control it. As time passed and I was still pregnant with you I really thought you were going to be healthy and I would get to see you grow up with your sisters. Even though I stayed pregnant with you for 10 more weeks, you were just so sick. So I guess what I am saying is that when all is said and done there is a plan for each of us. No matter what happens with time, God is in control. I find comfort in that. Your path became very clear just before you slipped back to heaven and I know God needs you there. I love you, baby boy.

Never in a million years did I think I would have another baby after you. For so many reasons. I didn't think there was enough time in the world to prepare me to go through another pregnancy after such a traumatic one with you. But God had a different plan. With no time to prepare, Dad and I were staring at the positive pregnancy test a week before you passed away. I have learned to trust in Heavenly Father even more than I did before. And I have come to understand that the pregnancy with Alexis is helping me heal in a certain way that would have taken much longer. Although it has been very hard, being pregnant with Alexis has allowed me to be in a position to be happy for those around me that are pregnant and having babies instead of feeling crushed and devastated. Through the months while you were in the hospital, I learned how to cope with those around me that had healthy babies and that stayed pregnant until term. But I know that after you passed away I would have had to learn all over again how to work through announced pregnancies and healthy babies, yet again. And I think it would have been hard for a long time. But being pregnant with your sister has helped me in a way I never thought possible. I am grateful for glimpses into blessings I otherwise wouldn't see. I am grateful for the strength I receive from our Savior each day. I am grateful for the time I have right now to be pregnant and not in bed. To be pregnant and not in the hospital. To be home with your sisters and Daddy through the holidays. I know things can change in a second like they did with you, but for now I am thankful for those things and cherish the time we had with you, baby boy. The time I stayed pregnant with you allowed us time to get to know you. I am forever grateful for that time, Caleb.

I wonder often what you're doing in heaven and who you're helping. I am so humbled to be your mother.

All my love,
Mom

Today is world prematurity day. I can't believe how quickly things can change. Your life and the time we spent with you are miraculous and I am grateful for every doctor and nurse and everything they did for you and our family.