NICU Delivery

In honor of Caleb's birthday on December 12th we are taking new, unused loveys to the hospital to deliver to the NICU with a Christmas card. If you would like to participate we would be honored. Loveys are small square security blankets with a stuffed animal sewn in the middle. The girls gave Caleb the giraffe lovey when he was a few days old. He had it every day and started holding it and hugging it. You can drop them off or ship to our house before December 12th. (Email me at leahefish@gmail.com for our address.) Our family will be delivering them to the NICU December 13.

We sure are proud of our fighter and want to share his story, courage and love.

The card for the NICU families says:

As the Holidays approach we have vivid memories of last year with our sweet Caleb in the NICU.  Caleb's stuffed animals were always with him and kept him company when we couldn't be there.  Caleb sends his comfort, love, and courage to your little fighter. May you feel the love of our Savior this Christmas season.

Love, The Fish Family

Here is a pic of Caleb's lovey. 

This one is actually still sold at target! 

http://m.target.com/p/circo-security-blanket-giraffe/-/A-14289047

Your Grave Marker

We have been working on your grave marker for a very very long time. After weeks and weeks of looking at the proof, making changes and repeating the process we finally gave the go ahead for your grave marker. It can take up to 8 weeks to be made and installed and we were hoping it would be here before your first birthday. It was really hard to plan what to put on your marker. When people were picking out Halloween costumes we were picking out what would mark your grave. So many choices for such a difficult thing. I wanted it to be perfect and we went through lots of proofs. After only about 5 weeks once it was finalized, your grave marker was delivered and installed today. While I love having it here it's also hard to see. 

Here it is my angel, I hope you like it. 

The top middle is a base for your vase. I can't wait to bring you flowers, sweet boy. 

As we left the cemetery I couldn't help but look at the caleb sky. 

Today your baby sister is 24 weeks. Big day. I remember when I was 24 weeks and a few days with you and in labor and delivery threatening to deliver. You were breech that day and so tiny that they were talking about an emergency c section that would need to be classical. The incision would run up and down instead of across my abdomen. They asked if we were planning on having more children because if you have a classical c section you can't have another child. Dad and I both discussed how difficult another pregnancy would be and that we couldn't see another pregnancy in our future. I remember the doctors saying, "So you would want to go through major surgery for a baby that may not survive?" My answer was a resounding yes. Of course I would. I had to give you the best chance I could to fight for your life, but you stayed inside for 5 more weeks.  In L&D last November I never would have guessed that just a year later that you would be back in heaven and I would be pregnant with your baby sister. But God knew and was with me that day. He was strengthening me then just as He is strengthening me now. Some moments feel impossible but my Savior's grace gives me enough to make it to another day, and then another. There are times I wish it didn't require so much out of me. Times I wish I didn't have to work so hard and give so much effort. But if the Savior gave me constant relief and kept my burdens upon him all the time I would be at a great disadvantage. Not only would I not learn and grow, I would become weaker. He tells us to yoke ourselves with him and he will help carry our load. He knows the perfect balance of when to take more and when to give back more than we think we can handle. I believe that although there are moments we feel too stretched, He truly knows us perfectly. He will not leave us comforless. I am grateful for his perfect love. For His mercy and grace. 

I love you, sweet Caleb.

I miss you. 

Love,

Mom 

Time

Well sweet boy, time is a strange thing. I hate that time passes and that we get further from the day that I held you in my arms, kissed your sweet face and held your chubby hands. But as time passes Alexis gets healthier and stronger. Time can be a very frustrating thing in life, especially when you have someone so close to you in heaven. When I was on bed rest with you I wanted lots of time to pass by quickly! I guess no matter where we are in life there's always a part of us that wishes we could freeze time or control it. As time passed and I was still pregnant with you I really thought you were going to be healthy and I would get to see you grow up with your sisters. Even though I stayed pregnant with you for 10 more weeks, you were just so sick. So I guess what I am saying is that when all is said and done there is a plan for each of us. No matter what happens with time, God is in control. I find comfort in that. Your path became very clear just before you slipped back to heaven and I know God needs you there. I love you, baby boy.

Never in a million years did I think I would have another baby after you. For so many reasons. I didn't think there was enough time in the world to prepare me to go through another pregnancy after such a traumatic one with you. But God had a different plan. With no time to prepare, Dad and I were staring at the positive pregnancy test a week before you passed away. I have learned to trust in Heavenly Father even more than I did before. And I have come to understand that the pregnancy with Alexis is helping me heal in a certain way that would have taken much longer. Although it has been very hard, being pregnant with Alexis has allowed me to be in a position to be happy for those around me that are pregnant and having babies instead of feeling crushed and devastated. Through the months while you were in the hospital, I learned how to cope with those around me that had healthy babies and that stayed pregnant until term. But I know that after you passed away I would have had to learn all over again how to work through announced pregnancies and healthy babies, yet again. And I think it would have been hard for a long time. But being pregnant with your sister has helped me in a way I never thought possible. I am grateful for glimpses into blessings I otherwise wouldn't see. I am grateful for the strength I receive from our Savior each day. I am grateful for the time I have right now to be pregnant and not in bed. To be pregnant and not in the hospital. To be home with your sisters and Daddy through the holidays. I know things can change in a second like they did with you, but for now I am thankful for those things and cherish the time we had with you, baby boy. The time I stayed pregnant with you allowed us time to get to know you. I am forever grateful for that time, Caleb.

I wonder often what you're doing in heaven and who you're helping. I am so humbled to be your mother.

All my love,
Mom

Today is world prematurity day. I can't believe how quickly things can change. Your life and the time we spent with you are miraculous and I am grateful for every doctor and nurse and everything they did for you and our family.

Veterans Day

Hallie has been very excited about her Veterans Day performance that the entire 4th grade has been preparing for. Zeb was able to meet us there and we went extra early to get seats. 

One of the songs was called, "American Tears." As the kids sang the song they put up pictures of veterans of the students and staff at school. We were proud and honored to have uncle Abe among those recognized for his service. 

Abraham Fish 

U.S. Army Green Beret 

Uncle to Hallie, Audrey and Julia Fish

I loved the pride the girls felt seeing their uncle up on the projector. And that zeb and I felt as well. Thank you Abe, and all those who serve, for your sacrifices and service. 

The chorus of the song says, "For the heroes, for the patriots, for the soldiers, for all the pioneers. I will always be an American and I will always cry American tears." 

During the song and slideshow it was incredibly special. The feeling of respect and gratitude for those that have served or who are still serving was tangible. Because of the strong feelling of reverence Julia leaned to me and said, "Mom, did Uncle Abe die?" I said, "No honey he's still here." She then said "But I feel like he did." I am in awe at Julia's connection to her feelings and thoughts about things like this. She knew she felt different, that the feeling of the room was solemn and quiet and I guess to her she equates that to how she felt at your funeral. 

Hallie was beaming as she came to find us after the program. She kept saying, "I'm sweating, it's HOT!!!" 

Here she is in her patriotic shirt! She even wanted her nails red and blue. :)

Maybe you can tell all those family and friends in heaven thank you from all of us for all they did. We are so grateful for our freedoms and are indebted to all the veterans. I wish I could spend just a few minutes with you sweet boy. Oh how I love and miss you. 

Xoxo

Mom

Dallas Presby: The Real Scoop

In light of the recent media that hit Dallas Presbyterian Hospital I feel that I need to share some information with you. Information that will give you insight into who they really are and how they really care for their patients. Maybe the insight I provide will allow you to make a more informed opinion about those that work there. After all, I was there for 6 weeks on the antepartum floor and my son was there for 4 days shy of 7 months in the NICU. We spent nearly 9 months of the last year at that hospital. If anyone has experience with this hospital I think it's safe to say it's my family.

I am a mother to 5 children. I have 4 beautiful daughters and a son. When I was 19 weeks pregnant with our youngest, our son, my water broke. I was admitted to Rockwall Presbyterian Hospital and stayed there for 4 weeks, receiving exceptional care and comfort, when I was transferred to Dallas Presbyterian hospital. I started my stay at Dallas Presby last November, just one year ago. I had an entourage of people that cared for me. Doctors, nurses, custodians, chaplains, food service employees and technicians. While each person had a different personality, every person that came into my room made me feel like they cared about me and my family. The people that saw me on a daily basis came from all different races, ethnicities, and religions. From Africa to Asia, many people and cultures are represented in the staff there. They greeted me with smiles. Helped me with my bed pan. Chatted as they cleaned my floors. Brought me food as though I was at a restaurant. Carefully assessed me. Lifted my spirits. Cried with me. Hoped and prayed for me. They not only cared for my physical body but they nurtured my spirit and gave comfort when I needed it. From Caucasian workers to Hispanic ones, they ALL made a difference in my life.

I stayed pregnant for 6 more weeks at Dallas Presbyterian Hospital with amazing care, after the 4 at Rockwall Presbyterian. Although I was taken to labor and delivery at 24 weeks and was able to remain pregnant, at 29 weeks they had to do an emergency c-section. My son was welcomed into the world and taken immediately to the NICU. With lack of amniotic fluid there was no way to know how his lungs would function and if he would be able to survive or not. The first few days were rough. But as time kept passing and he wasn't making big improvements or gains the months seemed to go by. Although every other part of him was healthy, his lungs were just so small. Through all of his care, his survival was always unknown. Some days we thought he would make it. Some days we thought we would be planning his funeral. Through ALL of the ups and downs my son received phenominal care. His nurses and therapists treated him as their own. They would check on him when they weren't caring for him. They had their own terms of endearment for him, they would hold him, pat him, love him and talk for hours to him. His doctors constantly stayed on top of his treatment plan and care trying to do all they could to get ahead of his lung disease hoping to make strides. They balanced being hopeful while being realistic and provided love and care not only for our son but for us. Our son was in the hospital through flu season which meant his sisters couldn't visit. Doctors and nurses would visit our girls in the waiting room, giving them treats and stories and attention. They planned ways for the girls to look through doors when he was wheeled to surgery so they could take a peek at him. Day after day for nearly 7 months we watched these amazing people care for our son. They were a strength and support to him and to us.

Not only did I observe the care my son received in the 207 days he was at Dallas Presbyterian, but as I visited him daily (with the exception of a few days here and there due to illness) I witnessed the way the staff there cared for other patients and families in the NICU. I saw people from various nationalities and races. I watched when people didn't know I was watching. I saw the same things I saw when I was cared for. Every single baby there received exceptional care.  From emergency protocol in action to day to day tasks, and everything in between, each staff member carried out each task to every patient and family no matter what. The amazing thing was that those tasks weren't just performed. They were carried out in love and devotion that was tangible to every last patient. Their hearts are tied to everyone they take care of.

After 207 days in the NICU our son was too tired to go on in this life. He was called home to our loving father in Heaven and now rests in the arms of our Savior. My husband and I were at his side while surrounded by the staff there. He was loved so deeply and just moments before he passed away one of his doctors brought him a sucker to comfort him. They loved him and cared for him to the last minute. In fact, they still love him. The doctors were his pallbearers, his nurses came to his viewing and celebration of life. In my family when you love someone so deeply you open your heart to them and call them your own. Our family now includes the staff at Dallas Presbyterian Hospital. So the scoop is this, if you truly have a good heart it doesn't see color, race, religion or status. We are to "love one another" and the staff at Dallas Presbyterian do just that. I know because I saw it. Every day, for nearly 9 months.

With love,
Leah Fish

Halloween

Last year I was in the hospital trying all I could to stay pregnant with you. I am incredibly grateful I am not in the hospital this Halloween with your baby sister. I still can't believe you're going to be a big brother

The morning started with a beautiful sunrise...a Caleb sky as Cohen calls them. 

We went to breakfast at Kneaders with the girls. 

Then we got ready in costumes..

The Mad Hatter, Superwoman, Olivia the pig who IS smiling under that snout, and a Wildcat Cheerleader (opted out of the porcelain makeup for a cracked doll cheerleader). Oh you have the most adorable sisters. 

Garner Village 

Such cute cousins! 

We had so much fun with family. 

Julia said, "Mom, will you take a picture of me?" And proceeded to lay down in this pose. She cracks me up. 

After Gardner Village we stopped at cafe rio for dinner. Mmmm. We took off to Granny and Papas church trunk or treat. Then the girls were insistent on going trick or treating to a neighborhood where people are home. There was a herd of kids and it was a blast! 

I loved listening to your songs throughout the day. Goodness we love and miss you. 

Your sister, Alexis, has to be the most active baby I have ever carried. I love it. She must know she has too keep up with her 5 older siblings. 

We had a fabulous Halloween! 

Sure do love you. 

Xoxo

Mom