As I sit here listening to the baby across from you get ready to go to the special care nursery I have had several thoughts run through my head. But the thought that comes back again and again is that when it seems that those around us "have what we desire" we choose how we react to that.
It's no secret that I want you to have your turn going to special care, that we want to be together at home as a family, and the girls want their baby brother to be with them. Just like we know that someone who struggles with infertility wants a turn being pregnant and having a baby. That the woman that hasn't found her companion in life wants her turn to be the bride. These are just a few of the many heartaches that people struggle with. They are things our hearts long for above all else.
So when someone else has our hearts desire, something we have longed for for months and even years and years, it can seem unfair. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself when another baby gets to go to special care. Sometimes I cry and feel defeated. Sometimes I might even ask myself and God why? Why can't it be my baby's turn? But that question leads to a slippery slope. Why is a question that may never even be answered in this life. If I chose to solely focus on why, I fear I would become a bitter person.
Bitterness is on Satan's side of the line. It will only hurt me and hinder my growth. When bitterness enters my heart I'm not teachable. I become selfish and prideful. Caleb, my love for you is so strong. I can't even begin to express how deep my love is for you. There are hard things in life. There's no way around that. Trials come to everyone, I am no exception. But I want to be on the Savior's side of the line. I have found comfort in this scripture:
"But they that wait upon The Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31
I am trying my hardest to wait upon The Lord. It's definitely not easy. Anything in life that is meaningful is not easy. But it is worth it.
Xoxo
Mom
Leah, My Mom has a plaque with a quote from Neal A. Maxwell on her hearth at home that I would read.. every month/every negative pregnancy test… It says.."Faith in the Lord requires faith in his timing." It helped me so much to try & remember that those 9 years we tried for Walt, and also for all the years after he was born, how he came in the Lord's time. You and Zeb have demonstrated the exactness of faith in the Lord, and also faith in his timing. It is your unwavering faith that continues to inspire me and my love for you both has grown so much. All my love, B
ReplyDeleteThis is one reason that I hurt when I see pictures of him and know that other babies get better...because I know what it is like to watch others and think "When will it be my turn?" And then to face the reality that I don't know and it may not be my turn ever...or at least not here. Or not for what has already been years. It is a kind of question that doesn't help, though, because honestly, we want others to be happy. I wish I could change that and make that go away for you. I just do my best to remember exactly what you said. Bitterness only hurts me. All I know is that I want him to come home, and I hope and pray that he does all the time...every day. I hope that we all get a chance to meet him. I won't stop hoping for that.
ReplyDeleteI love you Leah Fish!! I love your heart, your honesty, your tenderness, your Mommy heart, your testimony and above all that you want to be on the Lord's side of the line. I love you and look up to you and Zeb. We pray for you and for Caleb every. single. day. Your grace and faith inspire me every day. I love you Leah Lou. So beyond proud of you. I have learned so much through Caleb's life... so many others have too. You are my hero. xoxo Ang
ReplyDeleteYou are simply amazing!
ReplyDeleteHello! You don't know me, but I found your blog a couple of months ago from a friend of a friend of a friends :) I am praying for Caleb and your family. This morning in my seminary class I shared this quote and when I read your post it reminded me of the quote.
ReplyDelete“If we are focused on Jesus and His work, both our joys and our staying capacity
are increased. … Nephi had not selfishly sought his ‘own life,’ but rather had
sought to do God’s will. This gave him the extra and undivided energy which
made his striving with unwearied diligence possible. Nephi knew in which
direction he faced: toward God” (If Thou Endure It Well [1996], 116).
You are doing great, just keep going and doing your best and you will have the help of our Savior as will Caleb.