New phrase

When I got to the hospital you were staring at yourself again. 

You love looking up at the mobile too. You got your hand around your ET tube a few times so I tried putting your giraffe by you to distract your hands. 

I must have kissed you a hundred times. 

While I was there I went to pump and realized I forgot the stuff at home. Bummer. So I left after only being there for an hour. Luckily daddy was able to visit you this afternoon for a bit. I talked to the doctor and he mentioned being confident in the team that would do the surgery. However, he said he isn't confident of the outcome and isn't sure of your future. I knew that already but it's hard to hear again and again. I got to the car and let out a gut wrenching sob scream. I invented that phrase just now. Sob scream. I'm pretty sure I was crying so much that drool came out of the side of my mouth. Awesome. 

I drove home and pumped and then fell asleep under the pillows on my already made bed. Last night was hard. I got up in the middle of the night to pump and had a really hard time falling asleep. My mind wouldn't rest. 

I know that Heavenly Father is helping us through this trial. We are receiving added strength. I am learning that I still need to do all that I can to learn and grow. I noticed that I was looking on Facebook a lot to get my mind off things. While I was pumping I would grab my phone and look through the newsfeed. I realized that those minutes add up. At a time in my life when things are extremely difficult I need to be doing things that will help me. Strengthen me. Give me comfort. Now more than ever. So I have made it a point to read uplifting talks, read scriptures and listen to music. Then when days are difficult I can recall the things I've read to help sustain me. It's much easier to look at social media but I've noticed a big difference in my ability to cope since I've made the change. 

I love you, baby boy. 

Xoxo

Mom

P.S. I noticed you are wearing the same thing you were wearing yesterday. It's okay buddy, I'm wearing the same shirt too.