New School Year

I can't believe we are at the beginning of another school year. It seems like I blinked and the summer was over. Julia has been counting down the days for school to start. We made a paper chain the last week because she was just too excited. When we pulled up to the school last week to return overdue library books (I knew we would find them!!) she said. "I've missed this place." 

She was sooooooo ready for this morning.

Julia May, our "Is it a school day" 1st Grader

On the way to school she said, "I can't WAIT to sit by Kyler."

Audrey is our little planner. All summer long consisted of, "What do we have going on today," or "What's the plan today," or "Are we doing anything today?" She loves to know exactly what we are doing and when and keeps every detail in order. She was so happy to have Mrs. Grandstaff for 3rd grade since Claire had her when she was in 3rd. Although her dear friend Kinlee isn't in her class she was happy to see that a friend from church is in her class this year!!

Audrey Lynn, our "What's the plan for today" 3rd Grader

Hallie seems to be maturing over night these days. Every time I look at her I feel like she is growing up twice as fast. She was pretty sad to find out she isn't in Presley's class this year. After a few tears at meet the teacher she wiped her eyes and focused on positive things. Her friend Emma is in her class along with Jaycee and a few other friends. 

Hallie Elizabeth, our "growing up overnight" 5th Grader

Our 2015-2016 Hartman Trio

Between the 5 girls we will have 3 at Hartman for a lot of years. I'll have to do the math on that one. 

Claire was not stoked about school starting. But most 8th graders aren't. She'd rather sleep in and watch Korean dramas all day. (Thanks Gram and Aunt Stephanie, she was pretty devastated her OTP didn't work out in the latest drama episode). I can't believe she only has one year until high school. Excuse me while I go cry and then throw up.

Claire Olivia, our Korean drama loving 8th Grader.

When I was backing out of the driveway to take the 3 to school she ran out of the garage and said, "One of my worst nightmares just came true. My make-up is in dad's car!" Mom's make-up to the rescue. Crisis averted. 

I hear Lexie waking up from her cat nap so I'd better run. Here is Lexie's latest trick and obsession.

This girls can't eat her toes enough.

 

She loves bath time.

 

Yes those are her toes, not extra fingers.

Gosh she is too cute for words.

Here's to another school year. I have a feeling it's going to be a great one with lots of learning and growing. 

Sure love and miss you buddy...

If you only knew how much.

xoxo

Mom

P.S. Your sisters rocked their exercising, math and reading filled summer. They did their stuff every day and the structure was AWESOME. Boy did they love shopping. Sweet Success!!!!

One Year

The morning of July 8th the girls came into our bedroom with breakfast in bed. Your sweet sisters spent a long time making dad and me a special breakfast. The best part was the super Caleb symbol they made out of strawberries. They used super hero cups and gave us super hero bracelets from your first birthday party. It was such a tender and sweet gesture and one I will always remember. 

Your sisters are so thoughtful and wonderful. 

Getting ready to go to the NICU

 Someone was very sleep and cuddled your lovey.

 We stopped at your grave before going to the NICU

 We went to the store and everyone picked out a flower for you that we put in a bouquet.

We will bring you the bouquet each year.

 Walking into the hospital. 

 The girls were so excited. We all were.

 Even Lexie was. :)

 We seriously love the staff at Dallas Presby. Beyond amazing.

 Nursery C was where you started and then about half way through the NICU stay you moved to Nursery G. I miss calling every night and every morning to check on you. I miss saying your medical record number and hearing the update. I miss seeing you. I miss holding you. I miss your chubby cheeks. Your darling dimples. Your rubber band wrists and huge cheeks. I miss your dark hair and beautiful eyes. I miss your smile. Oh how I miss every single thing about you.

 It was so neat to take the loveys around to all the babies. The girls were over the moon that they got to go around to give them away this time. 

In the winter kids aren't allowed in the NICU so they were so happy to come in.

 Super Sissies.

 Dr. Green and Dr. Nystrom gave your sisters a treat like old times and let them eat it in the Doctor's lounge. They loved it.

One of my favorite things about that day was that Lexie laughed for the very first time for Daddy while we were visiting the NICU. That memory will be one I cherish always. A little piece of heaven right there. I love going to the NICU to honor you. You are one loved little boy. 

So many people called, texted, sent flowers, gifts, visited your grave, sent you balloons, and so many other thoughtful things. I will be forever grateful to those that mourned with me and sent comfort in different forms that day. One thing I was not prepared for on the anniversary of your passing was how traumatic it would be. I relived the moments and went over everything in my mind. One of the hardest days of my life. I never knew how hard that day was for those that have lost someone or how hard it would and will be for me. There is no way around the pain of losing you on July 8th.  You are one special boy, Caleb Luke. My sweet son. I love you to heaven and back.

xoxo

Mom

Pregnancy After Losing a Child

This is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I was going to do my next post about Caleb's year mark and going to the NICU to honor him. In fact, I had uploaded all the pictures and was ready to type everything out and the post was deleted. I will get to the post but I feel like I should post this for those of you out there that still read this that know someone who is pregnant after losing a child, or who may be pregnant. There are so many things that are so hard about being pregnant after a loss that if I could just help 1 person out there I will be so happy. So here it goes.

When you are pregnant after you've lost a child you don't get to celebrate the pregnancy in the same way. In fact there are times you feel like you may not really get to celebrate at all. It's not because you don't love the child growing inside you. Its because you're trying to hold back because you don't know how much your heart can take. We are required to trust our Father in Heaven when we lose a child. That trust grows in painful and life changing ways, molding us into who the Lord needs us to be, but trusting is still hard to do. When you are pregnant you're immediately in a position where you are required to trust again. The child that was called back to heaven has a place in your heart and family that you would never want to change. I would choose Caleb over and over again. But when I was pregnant with Lexie I wondered constantly if I would lose her too. When you're pregnant again you think, "Oh my gosh, I can't do this again. What if I lose 2 babies? Surely I won't lose 2. But I could." So instead of celebrating you don't know what to feel. You find yourself pouring your heart out to Heavenly Father asking to be strengthened. Because you don't know the will of God with this new little life but you know His will is the most important one. In the back of your mind you worry that you aren't strong enough to submit your will again if you need to.

People may think that you are being dramatic or pessimistic for thinking you will lose another child. Or try to reassure you that everything will be fine. But the truth is, NO ONE KNOWS IF EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE! So when people say that to you it's very hard to hear. Lots of people told me Caleb was going to be okay. And I know they meant well. They did. But it didn't help. And people would tell me Lexie was going to be fine. If you know someone that is pregnant after a loss please do not tell them everything will be okay. (If you have said that before to someone, or even to me, it's okay. We all want to say the right thing and stuff comes out wrong or not the way we intend. If someone holds that against you then they have some personal reflecting and soul searching they need to do.) The feeling you're having about losing another child is normal. I'm not a doctor or therapist but I have experienced pregnancy after losing a child and have talked to others who have too. Its a natural response because our hearts have been through and are still going through a great deal. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with those close to you that are going through it firsthand. I couldn't let myself dwell on what if's. I learned when I was in the hospital with Caleb that "What if's," are your worst nightmare. They are debilitating, depressing and bring a heaviness to your heart that is devastating. So I tried my best to stay busy. Change my thoughts. Listen to a song. Call a sister, mom or friend. Work on a project. Go shopping (I can do this one really well...just ask Zeb). Read talks. Read scriptures. Pray. Spend time with your family. Fill your mind and heart with things that will uplift you and strengthen you and you'll be amazed at how quickly you can change your thoughts and mood.

When you are pregnant after you've lost a child people unknowingly act like losing your child is easier to handle now. That a new baby makes it better. The irony is that your heart may be feeling the opposite and that it's actually harder. The child growing inside you is not a replacement for the one you lost. They are separate and individual and should be treated that way. You are mourning the loss of your child and immediately trying to make room for another, that you still worry may not survive either. You live in emotional turmoil. You miss that child you lost more than you can express and that wound is so deep and raw, and alone this is a huge mountain to climb.  But you're facing another Everest at the same time. You're also trying to allow room to love this new baby you're hoping to meet and raise, while trying to leave room for God's will. It can be exhausting. There are days you don't want to get out of bed. The turmoil and thoughts feel so conflicting and so hard to work through. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with your heart. Some days will be better than others.

Alexis does not replace Caleb. She does, however, have her place in our family and my heart. She brings us a source of joy that we wouldn't be able to get any other way.  I still mourn Caleb. I still long to hold him in my arms. I still miss him. I still wish he was here. I still wish I could see his smile. I still wish I could read him stories and hug him and kiss him. I still have every single one of the feelings I had before Alexis graced us with her beautiful presence. And you will still have all those feelings about your sweet angel because they are for that child. Not any other. That place in your heart for every one of your children, living or not, is theirs individually. No one will take that from you. I will still mourn Caleb for the rest of my life.

Our will is the only thing in this life we can ever truly give Heavenly Father. Everything else we have is already His. He created us, He gave us life, and all that we have is His, except our will. That is ours and we don't have to give it to Him. It's our choice. When His will involves the life of your child the turmoil and heartache you go through is indescribable. When I chose to submit my will and allow His to unfold with my sweet Caleb and Alexis hard and beautiful things happened and still do. Submitting my will is the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't understand so many things and I still have to make a conscious effort to continue to leave my will at His feet. But I do know that he has NEVER left me comfortless or alone. His mercy and grace are perfect and beautiful and His love ever abiding.

My sister said it perfectly when she said her heart wants to burst and break at the same time when she looks at the picture of Lexie holding the picture of her sweet brother, Caleb. When you are pregnant after losing a child that pretty much sums up how you feel. Just live each day one at a time. Don't play the "What if" game but keep your mind filled with things that will uplift you. You can do it. You can get through whatever lies ahead, whatever the outcome. The Savior has promised to be there for us. He has been there for me in the hardest times in my life. Times I never thought I would experience but he so lovingly carried me through. 

xoxo

Leah

Earning School Clothes

About two weeks into the summer, Leah and I decided that we wanted the girls to do something to earn the money they need for their school clothes (a novel concept in our entitlement society). Since the girls aren't old enough to get a job in the workforce, we had to come up with a way for them to do something at home to earn the money for their clothes. We didn't want to simply start paying them for the chores for which they are already responsible, since those are things they do by virtue of being a part of the family. So we identified three areas that generally see a decline over the summer, reading, math and exercise (we may consider adding other categories next summer). We both felt that if the girls were able to maintain or improve in these three areas that they would be much better off during the new school year, and that we valued maintenance/improvement in these areas enough to compensate the girls for their efforts. 

In order to provide structure for the program, Leah and I determined what clothes each of the girls would want and the cost for those clothes for each girl. (Note: In order to keep the girls motivated we went with clothes the girls would choose for themselves, within reason, and not the clothes they need. Since we have a parental responsibility to clothe our children, we let the girls know that we would buy the clothes they need, not necessarily the clothes they want, if they chose not to participate.) We then took that number and divided it by the number of weekdays left in the summer. That number was then divided by the three activities they could do each day to earn money (reading, math and exercise). That gave us a dollar amount that the girls could earn for each activity on a daily basis. All of this was made much easier (and much more motivating for the girls) by a spreadsheet we created that allows the girls to track the amount of money they have earned. Let's be honest, what girl doesn't like to see the money they have for clothing purchases increase every day? 

Of course the program varies for each of the girls. The older they are, the longer they exercise and read, and the math portion is based on the grade that the child will be starting in the fall.  Khanacademy.com makes the math portion a bit more straightforward since it has tons of math exercises organized by grade level, all with videos to explain the concepts. We also made the exercise a bit more appealing by mounting an iPad stand to our rower and purchased bluetooth headphones so that the girls can listen to music or watch a show while they exercise (which has significantly decreased the binge watching).

One of the best parts about this program is that the girls are motivated to get up every morning and do the program/earn money and are generally much more pleasant in the morning. What's even better is that they have less time to quarrel with each other and quarrel less after they are done with their activities for the day. While accomplishments in each area have their own unique measurements (number of books/pages read, number of math lessons completed, etc.), the exercise category is incredibly rewarding for me. We have a rowing machine that the girls typically use to do their exercise. In the past three weeks our kids have rowed a total of over 55 miles (89,074 meters)!! This is particularly impressive given that their ages range from 12 to 6. 

Finally, there is the added benefit of money management. Our kids each know how much money they have to spend on clothes for the school year, and we've helped them estimate the amount they will need for different clothing items (shirts, pants, shoes, etc.). They are responsible (with some parental guidance depending on age) for making sure that they spend their money wisely in order to get the clothing articles they need to get through the school year. And since Leah is the queen of bargain shopping, I'm guessing this will ultimately be a very rewarding summer for our girls (and online shopping experience for my wife).

So when my kids come to school way stronger, way smarter and better dressed than yours just remember I gave you a heads up. 

Sweet Memory

This is one of my favorite memories of you, sweet boy.  Another NICU mom, Sarah, came to visit you and you were showing off your smiles. This was one of the first times I really got you to smile again and again. It just melted me. My cheeks hurt like crazy because I was smiling, grinning from ear to ear, for such a long time. Your smile, dimples, rubber band wrists, chubby cheeks, sweet disposition and courageous spirit will never be forgotten. I will never forget the day you entered this world or the day you left it. My heart will never be complete until all my children are in my arms and we are together again. The Savior made that possible, how grateful I am for that. Until then sweet boy, I'll love you from here and pray for you up there. Love you all the way to heaven and back.

xoxo

Mom

Picture Overload

Lexie the elf. 

All swaddled with her arms by her face. 

That's how Lexie's ultrasound pictures were. Always had her hands by her face. 

Beauty parlor spa in a fort. 

Pampering mom. 

Sweet girls. 

Just trying to calm Lexie. Success! Go daddy go! 

Claire adores Lexie. 

Such a sweet profile. 

This little miss is starting to get a bit of a dimple like her brother. Oh how I hope it is!!!!

Drive in movie. 

Sleeping beauty. 

Sporting Julia's pirate hat! 

The balancing act. 

Love watching these two.

First time to the pool. 

I love the way she crosses her ankles. 

Happy girl. 

So happy she's happier! 

She is well loved that's for sure! 

Oh how I love her. 

How could you not love this face? 

She was in the swing and sissies kissed her with lipgloss on. 

I call this, "Lexie's entourage." Wherever she is the girls flock and follow. It makes my heart happy. 

Getting some arm fat. I love it 

Selfies. 

Love them. 

More selfies. 

Cheer pics!!!! Gosh I love her. 

Oh Hallie. Love her personality. 

Lexie's nap sweat. Such a hot box. 

Uncle David had a layover in Dallas for a few hours so we rushed to the airport to see him right after we picked Claire up from a week at church girls camp. Super fun to see him. 

Julia reading to Lexie. I think my heart might melt. 

Sleepy Lexie. 

Whew. That was a lot of pictures. 

Love you. Like crazy. 

Xoxo

Mom