Leading Me

Crazy that a year and 3 months have passed since you went back to heaven. It's hard to wrap my head around. I remember posting last summer about how hard it was to meet new people and the awkwardness of not knowing how many kids I should say I have and if I would be able to tell them about you without crying or having a super hard time. As time has passed I have noticed that things have changed in that regard. I am able to tell people right away that I have 5 girls and a boy in heaven. The silence isn't awkward because I am beaming inside of myself because I get to talk about you. For me, talking about you is therapeutic. I love talking about you, remembering you and hearing others do the same. I am so grateful in the change that has come and how I long to tell people about you.

I try and stop people from saying things before they stick their foot in their mouth but sometimes that isn't always the case and they do anyway. The other day I was at the store buying Claire something to wear for family pictures and a lady and her mom were in line by me. The mother commented on how I had THREE girls and how that was just crazy and so busy...alluding to the fact that girls are just so hard. Before she could go off any further I wanted to tell her that I actually have 5 girls. So I said, "I actually have 5 girls. I AM SO BLESSED." She agreed that I am blessed but just didn't grasp that blessed is blessed and the gender is a moot point. She then looked at Lexie and said, "You were supposed to be a boy." WOW. Her daughter was embarrassed and I could tell. Without being mean or spiteful I wanted to make sure this woman knew to think through things a bit more next time she met someone so I just simply said. "Actually I do have a boy and he's in heaven." She was apologetic and I just smiled. Sometimes I am floored at the things people say. I really just don't understand. But that's okay, I don't need to. Maybe as people meet me they will come to learn that my girls are all blessings. That I wouldn't trade any of them for a son or another son. That I do have a son and that I miss him more than I can express but that he is our very own special guardian angel. That I love being a mother of girls and they are my companions. That I wasn't having more children to have a boy. That my children are perfect because God sent them to us. That it isn't, "your poor husband." He's actually immensely blessed, they are just blinded. Dad and I were chosen to be each of your parents.Each of you are our biggest blessings. Lexie wasn't a surprise, just an unexpected gift. Our personal reminder of God's grace and love.

Your sisters hear every single thing strangers say and sometimes I want to cry for their little hearts. I can't imagine hearing, "Oh my, you have 5 girls? Your poor husband. Are you going to try for a boy? Good luck with 5 girls. Oh my." If anything it doesn't matter what those people think. But by golly your sisters are going to grow up watching me defend them. Defend my love for them and their place in our family and hearts. Defend that we are blessed beyond measure. I refuse to let them grow up thinking they are "mistakes" or that they should have been boys. They are ours, perfectly chosen for this family and loved beyond measure just they way they are. Strangers may have insensitive comments but my hope is that what I say next will push those comments out of their minds and my words will be written on their hearts.

I stumbled upon this video several times this past week but didn't watch it until today.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6Mtpk4jeVA
It is a female A Capella version of Amazing Grace.
It took my breath away and left my heart full of the Savior's love and grace. I have ALWAYS absolutely loved this song. But when I listened to it today it's as though it's words became written in my heart. I honestly have never heard a version with these words and they are beautiful. They spoke straight to my heart. What I have experienced over the last year and a half has completely changed me. The depth of gratitude I have for my Savior is at a level I didn't know existed.
When I heard these words I wept:

"Through countless danger, thoughts and fears, I have already come. God's grace has brought me safely here and Grace will lead me home."

"His mighty hand shall be my stay, His strength with me abide.  And though I shall stumble day by day He shall not leave my side."

"This earth will one day melt like snow, the sun refuse to shine. Yet God who sent me here below will be forever mine. You'll be forever mine."

Caleb a mother losing a child is so heart wrenching and difficult, beyond anything I can even explain. With everything surrounding your miraculous entrance into the world I just assumed part of that miracle would be raising you here on earth. I never really fully entertained the idea that you wouldn't make it, I didn't want to. My hope and faith were always in the forefront of my mind and heart. When we did a fast and prayer 2 days before you returned to heaven I honestly thought we would see you improve. But ultimately it is God's will that trumps everything. The beautiful thing is that I whole heartedly accepted His will and had been preparing to accept it for your whole near 7 months of life. Dad and I both knew on Monday, the day before, that you were going to go back to Him. But instead of fear in those moments I felt God's perfect grace. And it is what sustains me and will lead me back to Him and you. His strength abides with me each and every day and I know He doesn't leave my side. It's how I am able to function and live without you. I was so worried that I loved you too much to say goodbye but the Lord's grace is so perfect that it strengthens me enough to keep going. In those moments that I held you in my arms in the hospital room as you were taking your last breaths I still thought, "He could be healed. No one would be able to refute that it was a miracle. No one." But deep down I knew it wasn't your plan, you were needed in heaven. And I am not angry that you went back. I'm not angry that you aren't here. Oh my goodness I am sad but I am not angry.

God's grace is sustaining me and leading me and I trust Him. The words to the song reminded me about where I am and where I've been but ultimately where I am going. Oh how I look towards the day I will be in the arms of my Savior with you held tightly in mine.

Oh how I love each of my precious children.

xoxo
Mom

What We're Up To

Here's what we've been up to lately.

Here is what Lexie's poor armpit looked like after the stinking ants found her in her bed. 

Poor baby.

One of the invasions of the stinking ants. Ugh.

 Claire performed in a Cabaret night at the Performing Arts Center for cheer. She had a great time and did an awesome job.

This girl is so fun.

 Throughout the year each of the cheer moms are in charge of something for the cheer team. I was nominated with another mom for the 2 parade floats. The first of which is the homecoming parade. So Claire and Dad went to work and built a barn.

 Not too shabby, huh?

 I was the painter. Pretty fitting since Grandpa was a painter. 

 The theme for homecoming was "Sting the Stangs." So we put a horses bum in a barn and hung yellow jackets around ready to sting.

 Super happy with the way it turned out and so were the cheerleaders.

 It was pretty awesome. ;)

 Hallie and Audrey started softball. Audrey changed from gymnastics and Hallie wanted to stay in gymnastics but the coach begged us to let her play since they didn't have a full team. Hallie said she'd give it a try.

 I found this on my phone...little selfie on the way to the game.

Love her. I'll get some pics of the two playing next week!!!

This is one of my favorite things that Lexie does.

She holds on to her car seat while we are driving. I don't know why I find it so adorable but I do.

She is so so sweet. So good natured and happy. It's like she cried for three months solid and then is a totally different baby now. She has just the sweetest disposition. 

 She sure is a spitter. I love that she scooted to the tile before she launched this one. 

Good girl, Lexie. Good girl.

Julia pulled out her top front tooth all by herself. She was rather excited about it and she has her two front teeth missing now. I asked her if she was going to ask for them for Christmas and her response was, "No, that's boring."

This is Daddy's favorite picture because Lexie is so excited about the pumpkin she is cross eyed. 

The next picture I took she was eating the pumpkin. 

I found these soggy pieces of paper in Lexie's crib when I went to pick her up from a nap.

Somehow, still can't figure it out, Julia's school paper made it in her crib and Lexie ate all of it except what is in the picture. I guess the baby ate her homework. Sheesh, I'm glad Lexie didn't choke or get a paper cut.

A few days later Lexie was getting really water eyes and coughing while Hallie was at gymnastics. I found this piece of goldfish wrapper in her mouth she was starting to choke on

Goodness she's had a lot of close calls lately.

 Here's a picture of us at the arboretum. A sweet lady insisted on taking one of me WITH Lexie since moms are rarely in the pictures. 

Oh how I love you and all your sisters. 

Love you, buddy.

xoxo

Me

Arboretum

Took this little ray of sunshine to the Arboretum today. She is so cute I could just eat her. Sure wish you could have come with us. Love my babies!!! 

Lexie is soooo smiley. 

She has the start of a dimple that's hard to see but reminds me of yours! 

Look at those bottom chompers! She is getting quite the bite down. She still puts everything in her mouth and scoots like a champ. Man I love her. 

We also went to the pumpkin patch a few weeks ago. First few outings we have ventured out for on our own without your sisters. Lexie is great company. 

Happy Fall! We picked out a pumpkin at the pumpkin patch for you. We will bring it to your grave this weekend. Sure do love and miss you. 

Xoxo

Me 

Pay it Forward

Tuesday we finished watching the movie Pay It Forward.  I gave each student $1 and told them they were to make their dollar grow.  I told them it didn't matter how they did it as long as it was legal.  I gave them many ideas that students from previous years have used. We will use this money throughout the year to PAY IT FORWARD in our school and community. This is my favorite project of the year!

Mrs. Helmer


Hi this is claire i am doing this pay it forward project for my PALS class and I'm trying to raise money. All the proceeds will benefit families, provide meals, funeral expenses, and any other  needs. i would love for People all across the country (even world) to come together. if you would like to be a part please email me at leahefish@gmail.com and i will send you our adress so you can send in $1. You can also use that email address and  use PayPal if you'd prefer.  Thank you so much, i can't wait to see how many people participate. All mail must arrive to my address by next Thursday, October 22.
thanks again, claire

Doozy

Today has been quite the doozy. Today is a hard day for me since it marks 2 years ago when my water broke wayyyyy too early with you. Is was the beginning of my 2 and a half month hospital stay with you followed by you being in the NICU for almost 7 months...your entire life on earth. Today is so hard because it is the start of what went wrong to cause you to come early with under developed lungs.

Lexie has also passed you in age and that's hard for me. To top that all off Lexie woke up this morning with some fire ant bites on her face and then when I changed her clothes there was one inside her pajamas and her armpit was covered in bites. Poor sissy. So I spent a good amount of the day cleaning and meeting the pest company (who had already been here 2 times last week for those bugggers). Lexie also had to get a shot at the doctors office, bless her heart. Then when she was down for a nap Daddy had turned the monitor off and I didn't know so it wasn't on and I couldn't watch her. Somehow she got a hold of the cord that went to the monitor and wrapped herself up in it and I had no idea. It was half way around her neck and around her body a few times. I was in shock when I went to get her. It's been a doozy of a day. I'm ready for bed.

But I wanted to write to you and tell you that I love you. When we went to the cemetery yesterday it was hard to hold in the sobs I knew were coming. The girls were asking if we could decorate your grave for Halloween and Thanksgiving and the sobs just got stuck in my throat, I succeeded in keeping them there so the girls didn't lose it too.  I wish we weren't decorating your grave. I wish you were here and were going to be dressing up with your sisters and trick or treating with us. I wish you were spending the holidays with us physically. Dad and I were talking last night and we are both surprised that we don't go to your grave as often as we thought we would. It's because we feel closer to you here at home. There are pieces of you all around the house and we are surrounded by memories of you in all the pictures. I'm so thankful that your memory and life are fresh and all throughout our home. I'm so grateful that we can feel you and that you're a part of our every day. Sometimes I feel like I am in a dream and that I haven't gone through what I have. But I would do it again because it means we have you. You are part of our family forever and we are so blessed you came to us.



I love you sweet, boy. All the way to heaven and back. You are intensely missed, greatly loved and always cherished.

xoxo

Me