Why

This post is from my perspective as a mother who has lost a child. A perspective that I hope none of you reading ever have to experience firsthand but one that I want to help others understand. This post explains reasons and feelings behind why I do what I do. 

The minute I laid eyes on my son my heart grew. It had already grown tremendously when I learned I was pregnant with him but it grew even more when I saw his dark hair, his crooked nose at first from being squished with no amniotic fluid, his dark eyes, his prominent eyebrows, his tiny body and his big feet and long toes. Each and every day I spent with him were loved and cherished. Each day I came to learn more about who he is and grew to love him even more. Even though my son was only 6 and a half months old when he slipped back to heaven he was a part of my every day. I talked about him all the time especially because he was so sick and people were so concerned for him. I loved him and held him and kissed him and experienced things with him. He is part of me. My feelings and love have not stopped. In fact, my love for him continues to grow even after he's gone just as it would if he were here. My feelings and love for him will always be in the forefront of my mind, just like my love for my girls, so how can I go on without him here? By creating a new normal with his life still intertwined in mine. 

Think about having your child here one day and gone the next. The pain is so difficult and heart wrenching that you feel like you can't go on and quite frankly, you really don't want to. But inevitably time passes and you create ways to be connected to your angel child and keep them close to your heart. When people have children they talk about them. It's the natural and normal thing to do. They tell those around them different things depending on the conversation. If one of my girls is similar to a friend's child I might say, "Oh, Lexie spit up like that too!" It's the same for Caleb. Why would I leave him out of the conversation because he's not here physically? I have come to realize it's no different with my angel son when talking about my children. And because there aren't new memories to make with him I need to talk about the ones we had. I talk about him because he is still mine. He will always be mine. I kiss his picture because I can't kiss him. I throw a birthday party for him because I celebrate the day he came into the world even though he isn't still here. I want people that come into my home to notice right away that I have a son. When we do our family pictures my girls hold a picture of him because he should be in them. He is a part of us and when I look at our family I want to see him. I need to see him. 

His whole life was spent in the NICU. I came home every day for over 200 days with my arms empty. During those lonely days I started writing to him. It connected me to him in a way that helped me endure things. Now that he's in heaven my arms are still empty and I still write to him. Writing links me to him and and helps me endure until he is finally in my arms. I do anything I can to keep his memory fresh and spirit alive. It may catch people off guard or even make some uncomfortable but it is my normal. It is my way of keeping my son a part of my every day. Even though I can't see him and hold him he is still a part of my every day. He has to be because without him I'm not me. 

So that is why I talk about him as much as I can. That is why we have birthday parties for him. That is why we do the lovey drive. That is why we do March of dimes. That is why I kiss his picture every day on the fridge. That is why I sleep with his blanket. That is why my walls are adorned with his pictures just like my girls. That is why we hold his picture when we take family pictures. That is why we still pray for him every day. That is why I still write to him. That is why I do everything I can to feel close to him. He is a part of me. Part of my heart is in heaven and until I get it back this is my new normal.  

xoxo

Leah

Some Things

There are some things that are too hard for me to let go of when it comes to you. There are things that I hold tightly to because they are links to you. When these things change because I don't have control over them it's extremely hard for me.

When I would visit you in the hospital I took pictures every time on my phone and I would take the good camera every few weeks (if I would have known you were going to return to heaven when you did I would have taken the nice camera every single time). Because I took pictures so often you were constantly on my photo stream and in my camera roll. I remember when there were too many pictures on my photo stream after you passed away and your pictures were booted off the stream for the new ones coming in. That was a very hard day for me. I couldn't change it. It just happened. Those pictures were a link to when you were here.

I sleep with your super hero blanket almost every single night. The one Dad and I held you in all through the night the night before you passed away. I won't wear or wash the shirt I was wearing when you passed away. I wore it the day before you passed away and since you were so sick I held you all night in it. When we woke up in the morning I kept it on and I hated taking it off when I went home that night without you in my arms. I won't ever wash it. It's in the top of my closet and that is where it will stay. Those things link me to that night when I held you tightly and kissed you all night long.

I miss calling the NICU every night before bed and every morning with dad to check on you. I said your medical record number so many times I didn't think I would ever forget it. How could I? But then time passed and one day several months back I was thinking about how much I missed calling about you and I realized I couldn't recite it. It was a terrible moment and since then I have recalled your number and recite it in my head at least once a day because it links me to you. I will never forget that number until the day I die. I won' let that happen again.

After you passed away I didn't delete any voicemails that I had at the time on my phone from when the doctors would leave messages. Even though I didn't listen to them I saved them and would just look at the phone number on my phone. I needed them there. When we bought new phones and transferred my SIM card to the new one it deleted all messages that were in the inbox. I realized this a few days ago and was devastated. My eyes filled with tears and I stood up to go sob in my room and dad said, "Wait, let's see if we can get them. Don't leave," He is such a smart man. I am too emotional to think straight. So he pulled up support on the computer and found out the he could retrieve 4 messages for free at random. So dad downloaded the 4 that were randomly chosen and we started listening to them. The first one was from Doctor Nystrom. My heart started to fill with happiness. Then the second one was from Dr. Nystrom. Score! I was smiling at this point. So we listened to the third. I kid you not, it was from Dr. Green!!!!!! I was ecstatic. Our two favorite doctors we were able to retrieve voicemails from. The fourth voicemail was hard to hear so we played it again and realized it was from Nurse Megan calling to say that Katrina (the OT) was going to wait for me to come in so we could feed you bananas together. I was beaming.  All 4 voicemails were about you. Out of almost 18,000 voicemails the ones chosen randomly were all linked to you. I am so grateful for this tender mercy. I have them saved on my computer now and I won't ever let them be deleted. They are links to you.

EVERY time I am in the car and I change the temperature up or down I think of your ventilator. Oh my goodness that ventilator was so hard. The numbers were always up and down and I wished so badly I could truly control them. It was near impossible to not let those numbers rule my emotions because I wanted you to get better so badly. Every single day for over 200 days I would watch the PIP, watch the oxygen, and watch the PEEP. I would watch the nurse or RT turn the number up or down over and over and over again. So whenever I turn the temperature up or down in the car I think of you. It's funny because some RT's and nurses don't like odd numbers so they would turn the oxygen concentration to an even number. That's what I do in the car. 5's are okay but I always do even numbers if its not a 5. Those numbers are a link to you.

I sure miss you. I went through videos of you this morning and just watched you over and over. I realized I hadn't taken still shots of the videos so it's like getting a whole bunch of pictures of you that I didn't have. Feels like the best present ever. I won't go through all of them right now because I want to save videos so I get new pictures again and again. I am so grateful for all the videos of you that I can create new pictures with. It's a link to you.

Those are some of the things that I won't let go of. Things that are links to you, my sweet boy.  Oh I I love and miss you. If you only knew. 

I started getting a few lovies in the mail yesterday and a dear friend brought a few by. She even brought a few dozen hats she crocheted for the preemies to take when we go. I am so excited. I am humbled by the love and generosity of others. Lovies are a link to you and I am beyond grateful for everyone that wants to participate in the lovey drive. It makes my heart leap each time I get one. I can't wait to take them to the fighters in the NICU next month. 

Today is world prematurity day. It still blows my mind that I had 5 pregnancies that were completely "normal" and had my water broken for me. Yet your pregnancy was so complicated and out of nowhere my water broke at 19.5 weeks. You, my sweet son, are our preemie. You were such a fighter and I remember looking into your eyes and seeing your soul. I could feel and see your giant spirit that was so pure and strong. I know you are doing amazing things in heaven. Thank you for being our very own angel.

I love you to heaven and back.

xoxo

Me

Caleb's Lovey Drive

In honor of Caleb's upcoming 2nd Birthday we are doing our Lovey drive.

Each Lovey donated will be taken to the NICU at Dallas Presby and delivered to the fighters there with this Christmas card from our sweet Caleb.

If you would like to donate a lovey for his birthday we will collect 

them until Friday, December 11th. Last year we received so many lovies that we were able to take them to the NICU on his angelversary as well. We are so touched by your generosity and thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Here are the girls last year when we took all the lovies to the NICU. 

It was so special and we love going.

For those of you that don't know what I mean when I say lovey here is a link to what they are. If you need my address if you prefer to ship them to me just send me an email at leahefish@gmail.com and I'll send you our address.

Just after Caleb was born the girls went to the store and picked out a stuffed animal (lovey) to keep with him all the time. His stuffed animals kept him company when we couldn't be there. It's crazy to see the lovey when he was smaller than it!

But he chubbed up rather quickly! Oh I love his cheeks!

He loved his lovies and had a collection growing.

Thank you for being a part of our lives and for all of your love and support.

Much love,

Fish Fam

The Sacrifice of Veterans

I want to honor those family members that have served our country. I am so grateful to them for their sacrifices. I have a much deeper level of love and gratitude for them since Caleb passed away. I have been working on a program for our church this evening and I hope it comes together. It makes me happy to do something to honor those that have sacrificed so much for our freedoms and liberty.


This is Zeb's brother Abe. He is a captain in the army and is a flight surgeon. He trained with special forces to become a green beret. Hearing his stories during that training are pretty crazy. He is one tough guy in every sense of the word. Mentally, physically and spiritually. I look up to him a lot and am honored to be his sister in law. Thank you, Abe, and your sweet family for the sacrifices you all have made and still make on our behalf.


This is Zeb's Grandpa Ralph Andrus. He served in the Army (in the pacific during WWII) for five years and then came home and married Zeb's sweet Grandma.

This is my Grandpa Donald James Glotzbach. To us he was Grandpa Don. He served in the Navy and I am so grateful to him for his service. He is with Caleb in heaven now and I like to think of them as friends.

This plaque hangs on the wall in my parents house to remember and honor him.

His brother, Charles Glotzbach was studying at Notre Dame Law school when he went off to war. His submarine was never found and he was killed in action at age 25. My heart hurts that my Grandpa lost his brother.

This is my Great Grandfather (George John Glotzbach), My Grandpa Don's father, with his mother (Eva Black) bidding him goodbye as he went off to war. He came back from war but was killed when he was 30, when my grandpa was only 3. He was having car problems and pulled over on the side of the road. Someone stopped to help but judged the distance poorly and struck him. My heart just aches thinking that my grandpa lost his dad and brother. That his mother lost her husband and son. I am grateful to know they are all together now. Although time on earth as we wait to be reunited can feel like forever, I'm glad it isn't forever.

This is my Mother's Grandfather, Milton Stott Rowland. Her mother's Father. I found his draft registration card on family search when I clicked on this to find ancestors in the military. 

Last weekend we went to Arkansas to support and comfort my Aunt. Her sweet husband, my Uncle Jim, passed away. She was a support when Caleb passed away so we really wanted to be there. Hallie was at 5th grade camp but the rest of us set out late Thursday evening to be there for the funeral. The drive was pretty eventful. At one point we had to drive out of the way to outrun a tornado that had touched down and was heading in the direction we had needed to go. It's not like we could see it or anything but it was nerve wracking when the emergency beeping took over the stereo in the car and we were told to take shelter immediately. I said lots of prayers. Then about an hour or two later a huge buck decided to cross the highway when we were traveling at 70 miles per hour. Zeb had to slam on the brakes and the deer was so close we could see the muscles flexing as it jumped and ran across. The girls all busted up laughing but I wasn't laughing. Holy moly. So grateful we arrived safely. 

When we went to the cemetery the army was there to honor Jim. He served in the Air Force. It was pretty amazing watching them salute, aim and fire their rifles (Lexie bursted into tears when they fired). It was such a reverent and special thing to witness. I love that it was so close to Veterans Day. 

I cried pretty hard when they dedicated Jim's grave. So many memories and difficult experiences. During the prayer Claire came beside me and just put her arms around me and hugged me. She is so sweet and I love her tender heart. I love that each of my girls notice when I need an extra hug or need comfort. They have pretty amazing radar for when I need them. Goodness I love them. They folded the flag that was on his casket and presented it to my sweet Aunt Elen. 

I am so grateful we got to be there for her. She is amazing and so is Jim. The funeral was beautiful. I am grateful for his service as well. 

I am thankful to all these wonderful men and their service to our country for our freedom and liberty. Grateful to know you and honored to be family. 

God bless you.

Leah 

Leading Me

Crazy that a year and 3 months have passed since you went back to heaven. It's hard to wrap my head around. I remember posting last summer about how hard it was to meet new people and the awkwardness of not knowing how many kids I should say I have and if I would be able to tell them about you without crying or having a super hard time. As time has passed I have noticed that things have changed in that regard. I am able to tell people right away that I have 5 girls and a boy in heaven. The silence isn't awkward because I am beaming inside of myself because I get to talk about you. For me, talking about you is therapeutic. I love talking about you, remembering you and hearing others do the same. I am so grateful in the change that has come and how I long to tell people about you.

I try and stop people from saying things before they stick their foot in their mouth but sometimes that isn't always the case and they do anyway. The other day I was at the store buying Claire something to wear for family pictures and a lady and her mom were in line by me. The mother commented on how I had THREE girls and how that was just crazy and so busy...alluding to the fact that girls are just so hard. Before she could go off any further I wanted to tell her that I actually have 5 girls. So I said, "I actually have 5 girls. I AM SO BLESSED." She agreed that I am blessed but just didn't grasp that blessed is blessed and the gender is a moot point. She then looked at Lexie and said, "You were supposed to be a boy." WOW. Her daughter was embarrassed and I could tell. Without being mean or spiteful I wanted to make sure this woman knew to think through things a bit more next time she met someone so I just simply said. "Actually I do have a boy and he's in heaven." She was apologetic and I just smiled. Sometimes I am floored at the things people say. I really just don't understand. But that's okay, I don't need to. Maybe as people meet me they will come to learn that my girls are all blessings. That I wouldn't trade any of them for a son or another son. That I do have a son and that I miss him more than I can express but that he is our very own special guardian angel. That I love being a mother of girls and they are my companions. That I wasn't having more children to have a boy. That my children are perfect because God sent them to us. That it isn't, "your poor husband." He's actually immensely blessed, they are just blinded. Dad and I were chosen to be each of your parents.Each of you are our biggest blessings. Lexie wasn't a surprise, just an unexpected gift. Our personal reminder of God's grace and love.

Your sisters hear every single thing strangers say and sometimes I want to cry for their little hearts. I can't imagine hearing, "Oh my, you have 5 girls? Your poor husband. Are you going to try for a boy? Good luck with 5 girls. Oh my." If anything it doesn't matter what those people think. But by golly your sisters are going to grow up watching me defend them. Defend my love for them and their place in our family and hearts. Defend that we are blessed beyond measure. I refuse to let them grow up thinking they are "mistakes" or that they should have been boys. They are ours, perfectly chosen for this family and loved beyond measure just they way they are. Strangers may have insensitive comments but my hope is that what I say next will push those comments out of their minds and my words will be written on their hearts.

I stumbled upon this video several times this past week but didn't watch it until today.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6Mtpk4jeVA
It is a female A Capella version of Amazing Grace.
It took my breath away and left my heart full of the Savior's love and grace. I have ALWAYS absolutely loved this song. But when I listened to it today it's as though it's words became written in my heart. I honestly have never heard a version with these words and they are beautiful. They spoke straight to my heart. What I have experienced over the last year and a half has completely changed me. The depth of gratitude I have for my Savior is at a level I didn't know existed.
When I heard these words I wept:

"Through countless danger, thoughts and fears, I have already come. God's grace has brought me safely here and Grace will lead me home."

"His mighty hand shall be my stay, His strength with me abide.  And though I shall stumble day by day He shall not leave my side."

"This earth will one day melt like snow, the sun refuse to shine. Yet God who sent me here below will be forever mine. You'll be forever mine."

Caleb a mother losing a child is so heart wrenching and difficult, beyond anything I can even explain. With everything surrounding your miraculous entrance into the world I just assumed part of that miracle would be raising you here on earth. I never really fully entertained the idea that you wouldn't make it, I didn't want to. My hope and faith were always in the forefront of my mind and heart. When we did a fast and prayer 2 days before you returned to heaven I honestly thought we would see you improve. But ultimately it is God's will that trumps everything. The beautiful thing is that I whole heartedly accepted His will and had been preparing to accept it for your whole near 7 months of life. Dad and I both knew on Monday, the day before, that you were going to go back to Him. But instead of fear in those moments I felt God's perfect grace. And it is what sustains me and will lead me back to Him and you. His strength abides with me each and every day and I know He doesn't leave my side. It's how I am able to function and live without you. I was so worried that I loved you too much to say goodbye but the Lord's grace is so perfect that it strengthens me enough to keep going. In those moments that I held you in my arms in the hospital room as you were taking your last breaths I still thought, "He could be healed. No one would be able to refute that it was a miracle. No one." But deep down I knew it wasn't your plan, you were needed in heaven. And I am not angry that you went back. I'm not angry that you aren't here. Oh my goodness I am sad but I am not angry.

God's grace is sustaining me and leading me and I trust Him. The words to the song reminded me about where I am and where I've been but ultimately where I am going. Oh how I look towards the day I will be in the arms of my Savior with you held tightly in mine.

Oh how I love each of my precious children.

xoxo
Mom

What We're Up To

Here's what we've been up to lately.

Here is what Lexie's poor armpit looked like after the stinking ants found her in her bed. 

Poor baby.

One of the invasions of the stinking ants. Ugh.

 Claire performed in a Cabaret night at the Performing Arts Center for cheer. She had a great time and did an awesome job.

This girl is so fun.

 Throughout the year each of the cheer moms are in charge of something for the cheer team. I was nominated with another mom for the 2 parade floats. The first of which is the homecoming parade. So Claire and Dad went to work and built a barn.

 Not too shabby, huh?

 I was the painter. Pretty fitting since Grandpa was a painter. 

 The theme for homecoming was "Sting the Stangs." So we put a horses bum in a barn and hung yellow jackets around ready to sting.

 Super happy with the way it turned out and so were the cheerleaders.

 It was pretty awesome. ;)

 Hallie and Audrey started softball. Audrey changed from gymnastics and Hallie wanted to stay in gymnastics but the coach begged us to let her play since they didn't have a full team. Hallie said she'd give it a try.

 I found this on my phone...little selfie on the way to the game.

Love her. I'll get some pics of the two playing next week!!!

This is one of my favorite things that Lexie does.

She holds on to her car seat while we are driving. I don't know why I find it so adorable but I do.

She is so so sweet. So good natured and happy. It's like she cried for three months solid and then is a totally different baby now. She has just the sweetest disposition. 

 She sure is a spitter. I love that she scooted to the tile before she launched this one. 

Good girl, Lexie. Good girl.

Julia pulled out her top front tooth all by herself. She was rather excited about it and she has her two front teeth missing now. I asked her if she was going to ask for them for Christmas and her response was, "No, that's boring."

This is Daddy's favorite picture because Lexie is so excited about the pumpkin she is cross eyed. 

The next picture I took she was eating the pumpkin. 

I found these soggy pieces of paper in Lexie's crib when I went to pick her up from a nap.

Somehow, still can't figure it out, Julia's school paper made it in her crib and Lexie ate all of it except what is in the picture. I guess the baby ate her homework. Sheesh, I'm glad Lexie didn't choke or get a paper cut.

A few days later Lexie was getting really water eyes and coughing while Hallie was at gymnastics. I found this piece of goldfish wrapper in her mouth she was starting to choke on

Goodness she's had a lot of close calls lately.

 Here's a picture of us at the arboretum. A sweet lady insisted on taking one of me WITH Lexie since moms are rarely in the pictures. 

Oh how I love you and all your sisters. 

Love you, buddy.

xoxo

Me

Arboretum

Took this little ray of sunshine to the Arboretum today. She is so cute I could just eat her. Sure wish you could have come with us. Love my babies!!! 

Lexie is soooo smiley. 

She has the start of a dimple that's hard to see but reminds me of yours! 

Look at those bottom chompers! She is getting quite the bite down. She still puts everything in her mouth and scoots like a champ. Man I love her. 

We also went to the pumpkin patch a few weeks ago. First few outings we have ventured out for on our own without your sisters. Lexie is great company. 

Happy Fall! We picked out a pumpkin at the pumpkin patch for you. We will bring it to your grave this weekend. Sure do love and miss you. 

Xoxo

Me