One, already?

Your baby sister is one! I seriously can't believe a year has gone by since she came into the world screaming her head off. She cried for the first 3 months and I'm convinced she was making up for the time we couldn't hear you. I wish I would have been able to hear you and I sure wish I could hear you now. Yesterday was a great day. We got her one year pictures taken and had so much fun watching her during her cake smashing at the photo shoot! She went to town on the cake and couldn't get enough fistfuls. It was awesome!  

Your sister is such a light and joy and we are so grateful for her. Her soul shines brightly and clearly and we just couldn't adore her more. Here are a few sneak peaks from her session. I am so excited! 

Oh how we love her. It's interesting how grief and joy walk side by side with a rainbow baby. On the one hand my heart bursts with pure joy and love for her and on the other hand it is so broken and lonely for you. For example, today I was holding her before her nap time and she was just leaning her head on my shoulder and cuddling so sweetly. My heart was so full of love and happiness and then just a few seconds later I recalled the last time I held you. It was when daddy and I walked down the long hospital hallway through big doors to a very cold room. It was where I had to give you to someone in the hospital. The walls were metal and everything was so cold. The was a small metal door open in the wall where they were going to lay your body. I didn't want to let you go. But I had to. The only way I've made it through the last two and a half years is because of my savior. The strength and comfort he sustains me with allow me to continue on until you are in my arms again. 

Not a day goes by that I don't miss you, son. I love you more than words can even express. I love your sisters and am overjoyed they are part of our family. It wouldn't be the same without each of you. Somehow we were sent a 5th daughter, a sixth child and she is truly a gift. There are times that are hard and goodness juggling 5 is tricky but she is such a light and joy in our lives. Our hearts are so grateful and happy we received a blessing as big as her. 

I love you to heaven and back. 

Xoxo 

Mom 

Missing You

I miss you so very much, Caleb. This morning was a hard morning. Not for any particular reason just missing my boy. Some days are harder than others. I look through pictures and videos of you and wish I had more. More pictures with you smiling. More videos of you. Just more of you. You were so tired and sick most of the time that it was so hard to look through them. I am so sorry you were so sick. I'm so sorry it was so hard for you to breathe. I'm just so sorry. I love you. I'm thankful you are no longer suffering but oh how I miss you. I love you, son. 

Xoxo 

Mom 

Happy Birthday, Son!

I love celebrating your birthday. It's the day you came into the world and should be celebrated every. single. year.  It's of course hard that you aren't here with us physically but it is a day that I will always be happy about because it's your day. It's the day I got to see your spirit through your beautiful dark eyes. The day I got to see that you blew your sisters out of the water with how much hair you had. It's the day I got to see that you have your daddy's eyebrows and long toes. I was already getting to know you but I actually got to meet you that day. I already knew you were brave and courageous and it was magnified that day. I didn't know then that your life on earth would be so short. But my goodness did you leave an impact on so many people, sweet boy.

You will always be our superhero.

It still blows me away that you have 5 sisters. Man they love you. Man they miss you. We all do.

We got to celebrate with friends. We, of course, had to invite nurse Adrianne and her family. The Taylors came as well.

The Stogners were able to make it. Jayce and Dayton were your first buddies in the NICU.

They gave us a beautiful snow globe that has your birthday and "Our Superhero" inscribed on it. We will put it out every year.

The girls had fun reading to the boys.

We had to get their picture with Lexie!

The Hansen's were also able to come.

Isabel and her many faces.

Audrey photobombing.

Little Lily made a debut.

Dad's going to be mad I posted this but it captures how silly and goofy he is and 

it's one of the things I love about him. 

Your sister took the camera around and snapped lots of pictures. Not too shabby. Hidden talent maybe?

We gave each friend a superhero puzzle. Your sisters loved puzzles when they were little and I'd like to think that if you were here you'd like puzzles too.

I miss you so very much. 

I love you, son.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Caleb Luke.

I love you all the way to heaven and back,

xoxo

Mom

Pictures from your Lovey Drive

We had so much participation in your lovey drive and it made my heart happy each time we received one. I am so grateful to everyone that sent them to us. One person sent 20!!!! I was shocked! 

Going to the NICU is something we look forward to and we love giving those 

babies their own lovey in your honor. 

Your sisters are just the cutest aren't they? :)

Here we are with Katie, one of your awesome nurses.

 Oh these halls. We walked through them so many times.

We left hats that a dear friend crocheted for the little preemies. 

They are soooooo cute and tiny and were made with so much love.

 I was so excited to see Nurse Vicki there! We love her too!

 Waiting patiently. :)

Here's a pic whole family. 

I like to think you are in the NICU often providing strength and comfort to the fighters there. I am certain there were angels around you when you were there and I'm sure you're helping the babies and families now. Happy Birthday, sweet boy. You are celebrated so very much and your life will always be remembered. 

I love you all the way to heaven and back.

xoxo

Mom

March of Dimes Walk: Team Caleb's Courage!

It's getting close to March of dimes and we are so excited to walk this year for our sweet Caleb. If you'd like to walk with us,  join our team Caleb's Courage here! We would love to have anyone that can come do this with us. It is free to walk and I will be posting shirts soon for anyone that wants to order them (aside from the cost of the T-shirt, it will go towards March for Babies fundraiser). There is also a spot on the website where you can donate if you would like too!

Thanks for all of the love and support each of you have given us over the past 2 years. 

We love you all. 

xoxo

Fish Fam

Stinking Robbery

Wow. Things have been crazy busy since November. It started the day after we got home from Thanksgiving in Austin and we realized we had been robbed. The back door was smashed in and things were stolen. It's a very violating and vulnerable feeling. It's pretty awful. Thankfully the external hard drive wasn't stolen, where all your pictures are stored. Although the computer, keyboard, mouse and external CD drive were taken. I like to think that you were watching over our home and that's the reason the robber left the drive. I can't even think about the scenario where we lost all your pictures. We will be backing them up multiple ways now.

We had probably $7,000 worth of things stolen. It could have been much worse so for that we are grateful. The computer, iPad, camera and jewelry. All of Claire's jewelry was stolen and some of mine. Unfortunately 2 of my great grandmothers rings were stolen. Heirlooms that are irreplaceable. Trying to itemize over 80 things that were stolen is no small task. That along with getting ready for your birthday party and Christmas kept me very busy. Oh and during that time I decided to take a 2 week online course that took any time I would have had. The course ended on New Year's Eve which is when we took a trip to Utah. We are back now but had a great time. The girls and dad got snowgear and snowboards for Christmas and he took them snowboarding. They had a blast and after only 3 days boarding got to be quite the little snowboarders. I stayed with Lexie and ate at Cafe Rio with my sisters. Rough, I know.

Now the challenge we have is everything after the robbery. Dad put in a new back door. He installed cameras in and outside the house. Your dad is amazing. He seriously can do pretty much ANYTHING. We have a company monitoring the home with a 2 way voice control pad thats awesome. Overall we are all okay, except for Audrey. She is terrified. She doesn't feel safe and has started having panic attacks. It breaks my heart to see her so scared and unable to control her thoughts and emotions. We decided it would be helpful to take her to a therapist. Last week was her first session and it went well. I can tell it's going to take some time for her to work through things. Bless her heart.

The police are fairly certain they have the guy that robbed us. He was charged for breaking into a home in North Dallas and when they searched his motel room they found 2 of the things that were stolen from us. He claimed that he bought our camera and our iPad from 2 different people but that's pretty bogus. Maybe if he would have claimed he bought them from the same person but not 2 different people a day or 2 after we were robbed. So the police are trying to tie him to the robbery here. I wish that would mean that Audrey isn't scared anymore.

I have to run to practice a song I am signing in church next Sunday. I have lots of pictures and stories to post so I'll get on it. 
I sure love you, son.

xoxo
Mom

Why

This post is from my perspective as a mother who has lost a child. A perspective that I hope none of you reading ever have to experience firsthand but one that I want to help others understand. This post explains reasons and feelings behind why I do what I do. 

The minute I laid eyes on my son my heart grew. It had already grown tremendously when I learned I was pregnant with him but it grew even more when I saw his dark hair, his crooked nose at first from being squished with no amniotic fluid, his dark eyes, his prominent eyebrows, his tiny body and his big feet and long toes. Each and every day I spent with him were loved and cherished. Each day I came to learn more about who he is and grew to love him even more. Even though my son was only 6 and a half months old when he slipped back to heaven he was a part of my every day. I talked about him all the time especially because he was so sick and people were so concerned for him. I loved him and held him and kissed him and experienced things with him. He is part of me. My feelings and love have not stopped. In fact, my love for him continues to grow even after he's gone just as it would if he were here. My feelings and love for him will always be in the forefront of my mind, just like my love for my girls, so how can I go on without him here? By creating a new normal with his life still intertwined in mine. 

Think about having your child here one day and gone the next. The pain is so difficult and heart wrenching that you feel like you can't go on and quite frankly, you really don't want to. But inevitably time passes and you create ways to be connected to your angel child and keep them close to your heart. When people have children they talk about them. It's the natural and normal thing to do. They tell those around them different things depending on the conversation. If one of my girls is similar to a friend's child I might say, "Oh, Lexie spit up like that too!" It's the same for Caleb. Why would I leave him out of the conversation because he's not here physically? I have come to realize it's no different with my angel son when talking about my children. And because there aren't new memories to make with him I need to talk about the ones we had. I talk about him because he is still mine. He will always be mine. I kiss his picture because I can't kiss him. I throw a birthday party for him because I celebrate the day he came into the world even though he isn't still here. I want people that come into my home to notice right away that I have a son. When we do our family pictures my girls hold a picture of him because he should be in them. He is a part of us and when I look at our family I want to see him. I need to see him. 

His whole life was spent in the NICU. I came home every day for over 200 days with my arms empty. During those lonely days I started writing to him. It connected me to him in a way that helped me endure things. Now that he's in heaven my arms are still empty and I still write to him. Writing links me to him and and helps me endure until he is finally in my arms. I do anything I can to keep his memory fresh and spirit alive. It may catch people off guard or even make some uncomfortable but it is my normal. It is my way of keeping my son a part of my every day. Even though I can't see him and hold him he is still a part of my every day. He has to be because without him I'm not me. 

So that is why I talk about him as much as I can. That is why we have birthday parties for him. That is why we do the lovey drive. That is why we do March of dimes. That is why I kiss his picture every day on the fridge. That is why I sleep with his blanket. That is why my walls are adorned with his pictures just like my girls. That is why we hold his picture when we take family pictures. That is why we still pray for him every day. That is why I still write to him. That is why I do everything I can to feel close to him. He is a part of me. Part of my heart is in heaven and until I get it back this is my new normal.  

xoxo

Leah