Lexie's 6 Month Pictures

When I was in Utah Angie insisted we call Bree and schedule a session for Lexie's 6 months pictures. Even though it was her birthday she still arranged for Lexie's pictures. Love her and her big heart. I am beyond excited and can't even stand the cuteness in these pictures. Honestly, this is the sneak peak and I can't wait to get the rest. This girl just lights up our world.

This little lady is scooting like crazy and is going to crawl any day. She loves to blow raspberries and put everything in her mouth. She loves solid food and already knows that cell phones are something she wants. She eyes them constantly and grabs at them whenever possible. She will talk up a storm and make the sweetest little noises. Gosh I love her. Oh and she had a breakthrough with naps! When I wrote my crying donut post and she only slept for 20 minutes I started crying all over again. I cried out to Heavenly Father and just said I couldn't do it and needed help and I remembered a book Daddy bought me about sleep and babies. "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child." I read that a lot of times 2 hours is too long for some babies between naps even though it's the typical time. Some babies need less time between naps. So I put Lexie to bed after an hour and a half of being awake and voila...most of the time she sleeps at least an hour. Oh my goodness it has been so wonderful. Alexis was just overtired. Poor little baby. She is much happier with more sleep and SO AM I!!! :) I need to be able to shower and eat and clean the house a bit. There ARE 5 kids in the house!!!

I am going to bed. It's wayyyy past my bedtime.

xoxo

Me

Hit the Ground Running

This little Lexie is quite the little go getter. When she was born it was as though she was made to hit the ground running. From just a few weeks old she has tried to do full sit ups...I'm not joking. She is one determined little cookie.

She is getting really good at sitting up and almost has it on her own. Much sooner than her sisters.

She is going to be crawling in no time at all. She already scoots and gets up on all fours. She doesn't have time to slow down. She insists on trying to keep up with her older siblings. 

I love this age for so many reasons. She is so interactive but still a baby. You can distract her when she wants something and she is inquisitive and contemplative. You can practically see her brain working as she explores and tries new things. Socially she is aware of everything and everyone and loves to grin her head off at pretty much anyone. She smiles wherever we go at whoever we see. It's so much fun. She can't get into too much mischief yet which is a bonus for the age. Every once in a while she will give us a laugh but her squeals of delight she is much more generous with. 

For some reason when you have a child that has passed away and have another, as they approach the age of your angel baby it is extremely difficult. You're supposed to be older than her. She isn't supposed to pass you up in age. You're her big brother and I want her to stay littler than you. I wish I could freeze time. You left this earth 4 days before you turned 7 months old and that time is quickly approaching for Lexie. 

Seriously though, just look at this face.

This girl sure knows how to light up a room as well as my heart. She is so happy and I love hearing people tell me how happy she is. My favorite comment when we are out and about though is when people ask me if she is my first. When i tell them she is my sixth people are so shocked they are speechless. It's seriously the best. 

Oh Lexie Lou, how I love you. 

And you Caleb Luke, how we love you!!

xoxo

Mom

Our Bridge

The last child is dropped off at school. It's just me and Lexie at home. As I walk through the house I can't help but notice the clutter that has accumulated in every room. I feel as though things multiply over night. There's so much to do. I hear Lexie in her room trying to go to sleep. Sweet Lexie is not a napper. She struggles and I struggle. Hearing her cry rips into me. I just want her to sleep. I just need a few minutes. Just when I think she is calm the wailing starts over. Each time leaving me more anxious and frustrated. I pull out the donuts I bought at the grocery store and start crying as I eat them for breakfast, wishing they gave me the comfort that I am seeking. I have no idea how I have managed to not gain 100 pounds in the last year or two. Eating for me is how I get through a lot of things. I hate that I love food, I hate that I turn to it on a regular basis. Another post. Another time.

It seems as though I'm failing right and left at motherhood. I have felt like this for years. But it is intensified 100 fold when I have a baby. Having my sixth seems to have done the trick at putting all my inadequacies under the most powerful microscope I have ever looked through.  No matter how much I do, there is always more to be done. No matter how many times I am patient, there are so many times I am not. No matter what I clean, there is always more than I can get to. No matter how much energy I have, it doesn't last as long as I need it to. No matter how much time I use to accomplish things, there is never enough of it. No matter how much I teach my children, I should be teaching them more. No matter how many times I tell them I love them, I feel as though I am not gentle and kind enough. The list is never ending.

Losing a child has its own set of struggles. Most are incredibly obvious and extremely hard to live with. But one of the hardest things that most people don't know about is the guilt that a parent lives with when trying to apply what they know to be true and coming up short. You see I know that life is short. I know that each moment is precious. I know what it's like when you have to say goodbye and see your child for the last time. I know what it's like to not get any more moments in this life with one of my children. Knowing those things and experiencing those things is hard. But even though I know those things to the core I am still human and come up short in applying them completely to life with my children that are still here. And I am so disappointed in myself for that. I can't expect myself to be perfect yet I feel like I should be because of what I have experienced. It's a very hard thing that I am still trying to work through, quite frankly I think this will be life long.

The weight and importance of motherhood is something I am constantly aware of. I want to do my very best at it. Always. All the time. I wish I could see the things I do, not what needs to be done. Focus on the teaching I did, the patience I had, the fact that I deeply desire to be better instead of being content with subpar. Maybe part of being a good mother is the intense desire to be better. Oh how I love my children and long to be who they need me to be.

Motherhood brings me closer to Christ. We need the savior to fill the gap in Motherhood the same way we need Him to help make up for our mistakes and sins. We have a place where we are trying to be as a child of God, to live with our Father in Heaven again, and the Savior is our bridge. We want to be the mother God needs us to be but we cannot get there without the Savior. Anything we really want in life that is of any importance or eternal significance is attainable only because of Him. And those things all take work. A lot of work. And faith. And strength. And then some. It is amazing how much I am learning about just how vital Christ is in my life. A lesson I am taught over and over. I am humbled by his grace and mercy.

Just as the list of things to do or get done as a mother are never ending, so is the Savior's love for us. For you. For me. His love is unconditional and perfect. He is the bridge to who we want to be and where we want to go. Shockingly there are times he carries US on our journey. Lifts us when we are weak. Comforts us when we are weary. Strengthens us perfectly so that we can keep going. He knows how to succor us because he has walked in our shoes and traveled the same path. Sometimes I wish things were easier. That life didn't have to be so hard. Some days are harder than others. Some days I want to crawl into bed and never come out. Some days I feel like a complete failure. But amidst all we go through and endure we have never been asked to do it alone.

So let's keep going. Keep trying.
We've got this, right?
One day at a time.
xoxo

Me

Academy Award

I pulled off the biggest surprise with Uncle Justin for Auntie Angie's birthday. We collaborated and I flew to Utah for her birthday. To say that it was easy to pull off a surprise of this magnitude would be quite the understatement. It was the opposite, actually. You see, your Aunt Angie has a wicked sixth sense, a "surprise radar" that is off the charts. When we were growing up she almost always guessed what her presents were for Christmas without even opening them (although there WERE times she unwrapped them and wrapped them back up). She would shake them, weigh them by the feel and analyze them and almost always figure it out. When it comes to surprises she has a way of connecting things and her attention to detail is also pretty crazy awesome.

I held this surprise in for 2 months. Your sisters also knew and kept their lips sealed, which was totally amazing. Back a few months ago when I booked the trip I talked to daddy about him taking your sisters somewhere while I was in Utah. When I told Auntie Angie we were going out of town Labor Day weekend she had the thought, "What if Leah isn't really going out of town and she's really coming here for my Birthday?" She knew it was far from likely and that it was just a thought but really wished it was the case. Fast forward to the week before her birthday. I told her about all the things I was doing tog get ready for our trip and she blurted out that she held on to a sliver of hope that I was really going to Utah and not Oklahoma and how that was all she really wanted for her birthday, to see Lexie and me. I immediately said, "Oh Ang, you're making me feel bad." To which she said, "Oh no, don't feel bad. I know it's not possible. I just want to see you so bad." I told her how I wished I could and not once did she think that Zeb would go somewhere with the girls while I flew to Utah with Lexie.

A few days before my flight she called me and said, "Leah, I don't think Justin got me anything for my birthday. Since I do the finances he usually tells me not to look at the bank statements but he hasn't said anything and is hunting until the day before my birthday!!!" I told her that he would probably get it just before and that because husbands are so busy that's pretty much what they do. Angie makes the BIGGEST deal about birthdays. Not just hers, your too. She celebrates you like crazy and makes you feel so special. She never forgets your birthday and in turn you never forget hers. I'm sure Justin has never forgotten her birthday and he did NOT disappoint this year.

The night before I flew out she was texting me about how she was going shopping with Gram and Aunt Stephanie and that she wished I could come. I told her I wished I could too and could't wait because I really was going to get to!!! I made sure to text her back after long periods of time because I was supposed to be in Oklahoma with crappy cell coverage. I had to think of everything!!!

An hour before I showed up at her house I posted a picture of the girls on the Lake in Oklahoma on Instagram which Angie saw. I'm so sneaky. I hid behind a bush by her front door while her neighbor knocked on her door while holding Lexie. I thought it would take Angie a few minutes, at least ONE minute, to realize it was Lexie. Oh no. She knew the second her neighbor turned her around her. The video speaks for itself.

This is one of my favorite videos and I could watch it a thousand times a day.

Justin was hunting so we made sure to catch it on video so her could see her reaction. What makes me the most happy is just to know that your Auntie loves me this much. I love her more though. She always fights me oaths one. Poor Lexie got scared...who wouldn't with that screaming? The best is when Angie asks me if I flew there. No, I drove for 21 hours with a baby in the car by myself. In Ang's defense, I had just posted on instagram and she was seriously confused.

I should get an Academy Award.

Best surprise ever.

xoxo

Mem