No, thank you

That's my response when I think about losing a loved one. Simply put, "No, thank you." No one wants to lose someone close to them. No one wants to be without them. Facing each day is hard. And honestly, no one grieving wants to grieve or even knows how to grieve. But when someone earns their angel wings we are forced to face our grieving.  I think we all wish we could grow really really old with everyone we care about. Goodness I wish I could grow old with Caleb here AND his sisters.

This post if for my sister, Angie. 

Just a few short weeks ago she found out that her best friend, Emily, passed away in a tragic accident. She was so close to her and they really were (and still are) deeply connected. I wish she didn't have to go through this and I know she wishes she doesn't either. When someone you love loses someone there really isn't a whole lot we can do...especially when you live 1200 miles away. So I am writing this to offer some words of love and encouragement. Hopefully something I write will help her or someone else in some small way. I pray something does.

1. Take things ONE DAY even ONE HOUR at a time. After the funeral you will be amazed you made it through but then you are faced with really being without the one you lost. It seems impossible to think about moving on. Don't think too far ahead. Honestly and truly take things one day at a time. And sometimes within those days you can really only manage to get through an hour at a time. That's normal. Just focus on each day or each hour and don't let your mind go too far. I kept busy so I didn't have too much time on my hands but made sure when I need some time I took it.

2. Pray. A lot. Honestly, I pretty much pray all the time. I just talk to Heavenly Father. I don't get on my knees to have a formal prayer most of the time. It's more of a way of life now. I feel my savior near me and I feel his support. That is the only way I am able to do what I do. To go from one day to the next. My savior is my rock and he always calms my heart when I feel it's too shattered and I can't move or breathe. He is my foundation, therefore, I cannot fall. His foundation is sure. He will calm your troubled heart too, Ang.

3. Don't cry for too long. This seems strange but I quickly learned that when I sob, and I mean sob until my face goes numb, that there comes a point when that crying does more harm than good. Crying is therapeutic but when we completely lose control we go in a downwards spiral. Same thing with our thoughts while we are crying or not crying. I have found that after I have a good cry, I pause to listen and then I grasp a thought that the spirit sends me.  I hold onto that comforting thought or word or memory or whatever it may be and then focus on that instead of my complete sorrow. I soon feel strengthened and comforted and able to get up and brush my knees off for the day.

4. You will not be yourself socially. This was extremely new and hard for me. Being around people is difficult. A lot of people will want to talk about things that you don't feel like you can talk about. I've talked about layering your heart in a post before but you have to layer it to get through the day. Being around people is one of the easiest ways to suddenly expose a layer of your heart you've been so bravely keeping covered. IT WILL GET BETTER! Being around people will get better. Just give yourself time. Be open and honest with those that are close to you and let them know what you're  thinking and feeling generally. Like, "hey, I'm having a hard time talking about xxx but I still want to be around you. Would you mind if we waited to talk about xxx until I bring it up?" Try something  like that to help with the situations that arise when you are around certain people. They will love and appreciate you telling them. Avoiding seems like a great solution at first, but then you soon learn that you can't avoid them forever and honestly you don't want to because you care about them. 

5. You'll feel like you're going through motions. Each day is just weird. You can't put your finger on it. You are missing the person you lost so badly that you don't want to do normal things. But then there is a part of you that wants to do something normal. So you might do something normal that seems fun but then suddenly you are faced with the fact that things aren't normal and you aren't reacting the way you have in the past. IT TAKES TIME TO CREATE A NEW NORMAL. It will be a process but you will get to a new normal. You will create ways you are able to cope with the loss of Emily. You will find ways to connect yourself to her every day but just give yourself time. My links to Caleb are my new normal. And some of Zeb's links to Caleb are different than mine. We all grieve differently. We all create a new normal differently. And that's okay. Eventually when you get to your new normal you will realize you have created links to Emily and ways to honor her. These things  will become a passion for you. And you will feel closer to her in those moments. It's quite beautiful. 

6. You'll feel guilty sometimes. Someone will be crying because they miss them but you are fine in that moment. It feels strange. Someone will break down crying and you feel like you can't shed a tear at all.  It is totally normal. Our bodies have to go into certain modes and shut off certain gears in order to survive. We couldn't possibly cry all the time every day. Our bodies wouldn't be able to do that. It takes so much out of us that eventually our bodies take us to a "place" where we function on a different level. Don't feel guilty someone is crying and your aren't. Don't feel guilty that they are doing x and you aren't. Don't feel guilty for those things.

It isn't productive. We ALL GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY and that is 100 percent okay.

7. You'll feel stuck, but it will get better. I promise.

8.You can do this. Oh my goodness you can do this. I know you and I know you will get through this.

Those are all the things that came to my mind right away and Lexie Lou is awake now.

This the only recent picture of us when we went to Tanner's wrestling match. And he WON!!!! ;)

By the way, I I adore you.

One day at a time. With lots of prayers. With strength from our Savior. You will slowly create your new normal. You will find your links to Emily that help you feel close to her and help you through the day. You will find your special ways to honor her and her amazing life. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time. You are doing this and you will continue to, one day at a time.

Another day down.

Your biggest cheerleader,

xoxo

LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me

Snowboarding at Brighton

We had such a great time when we went to Utah in January!

We bought the girls snowboards and gear for Christmas. They were so excited to learn how to snowboard. Dad was pretty excited to teach them!

They were ready to hit the mountain. I drove up with Lexie one day to take pictures.

Claire Bear

Hallie Ballie

Audrey Boo

Jules

Is this not just the cutest picture EVER? They all looked so cute in their gear. 

Love these girls.

It was snowing so naturally you've got to try and eat the snow.

The gang with Dad. 

Audrey.

Julia learning. They each did lessons with an instructor and that helped them a ton! Much better than just trying to figure it out.

Claire.

Julia without the instructor.

Each of the waiting for their turn.

Hallie.

The girls rocked snowboarding. They did such a great job! Their snow gear definitely kept them warm. They were a little disappointed that wake boarding didn't translate to snowboarding but they definitely knew about catching their toe edge from wake boarding. They are quite the little snowboarders, even Julia. 

Daddy fed Lexie some snow. She thought it was pretty tasty.

Gosh I love these two.

Daddy and the girls went boarding with Jason, Steph, and their girls. Dad said boarding was like riding a bike. He and Jason went down the mountain and through the snowboard park together just like old times. I love their friendship. 

I love that Dad does such fun and active things with the girls. I know he wishes he could teach you to wakeboard and snowboard and everything else under the sun. We both do.

Sure love you, buddy!

Can you believe your sisters are snowboarders! ;)

xoxo

Mom

One, already?

Your baby sister is one! I seriously can't believe a year has gone by since she came into the world screaming her head off. She cried for the first 3 months and I'm convinced she was making up for the time we couldn't hear you. I wish I would have been able to hear you and I sure wish I could hear you now. Yesterday was a great day. We got her one year pictures taken and had so much fun watching her during her cake smashing at the photo shoot! She went to town on the cake and couldn't get enough fistfuls. It was awesome!  

Your sister is such a light and joy and we are so grateful for her. Her soul shines brightly and clearly and we just couldn't adore her more. Here are a few sneak peaks from her session. I am so excited! 

Oh how we love her. It's interesting how grief and joy walk side by side with a rainbow baby. On the one hand my heart bursts with pure joy and love for her and on the other hand it is so broken and lonely for you. For example, today I was holding her before her nap time and she was just leaning her head on my shoulder and cuddling so sweetly. My heart was so full of love and happiness and then just a few seconds later I recalled the last time I held you. It was when daddy and I walked down the long hospital hallway through big doors to a very cold room. It was where I had to give you to someone in the hospital. The walls were metal and everything was so cold. The was a small metal door open in the wall where they were going to lay your body. I didn't want to let you go. But I had to. The only way I've made it through the last two and a half years is because of my savior. The strength and comfort he sustains me with allow me to continue on until you are in my arms again. 

Not a day goes by that I don't miss you, son. I love you more than words can even express. I love your sisters and am overjoyed they are part of our family. It wouldn't be the same without each of you. Somehow we were sent a 5th daughter, a sixth child and she is truly a gift. There are times that are hard and goodness juggling 5 is tricky but she is such a light and joy in our lives. Our hearts are so grateful and happy we received a blessing as big as her. 

I love you to heaven and back. 

Xoxo 

Mom