Holidays are bittersweet when a mother has a child in heaven, when a father has a child in Heaven.
Caleb, there's no way to truly explain the joy and excitement I feel celebrating with your beautiful sisters and the simultaneous heartbreak and devastation that immediately follows when I think of you not being here. Before you were born I didn't think it was possible to feel such joy and heartbreak in the same moment, but it is. And a mother with a child in heaven experiences it time and time again. It's shocking that our hearts can take such pain.
As I gathered all the things together for Easter, baskets, eggs, and goodies, I set out your basket like I always do. Lexie questioned if you were going to be here because it's confusing to her. As I set the baskets out last night I realized that yours is strikingly different. There are toys that accompanied you in your hospital bed. Eggs that our dear friend put out for you on your first and only Easter on earth. There are eggs that I have collected over the years every time the girls find eggs that I think you would like. Super cool ones like Storm Troopers, CARS, basketballs, footballs, Spiderman and the list goers on. Oh I wish I could see you play with them. See the excitement on your face. But it's the eggs in your basket that are different, not because they have a different pattern or shape. Different because your eggs don't have anything inside. The girls eggs are filled with candy but yours are empty. Heartbreakingly empty.
But last night I immediately reflected on what else was empty at Easter. 3 days after He suffered and died for us our Savior's tomb was empty. There was nothing inside. He was Ris'n, just as He promised. He overcame the world and broke the bands of death. Because of Him I will get to see you again. Because of Him we will all be together again. Because of Him my heart won't always be broken. My favorite song right now is, "There is Peace in Christ."
There is peace in Christ
When we learn of him
Feel the love He felt for us
When he bore our sins
Listen to his words
Let them come alive
If we know Him as he is
There is peace in Christ
He gives us hope
When hope is gone
He gives us strength
When we can't go on
He gives us shelter
In the storms of life
When there's no peace on earth
There is peace in Christ
There is peace in Christ
When we walk with him
Through the streets of Galilee
To Jerusalem
Mend the broken hearts
Dry the tear-filled eyes
When we live the way He lived
There is peace in Christ
Caleb (and my sweet girls) , I give you my testimony that He is our hope, our peace and our shelter. He lives. When I feel like I can't go on He is the only one that gives me hope. I am thankful that your empty Easter eggs reminded me of the gift our Savior gives to every single one of his children. The sacrifice He lovingly gave each of us is awe inspiring. We will all live again because the Savior's tomb was empty. Because the Savior's tomb was empty I will hold you in my arms again. Kiss your chubby cheeks and hold you forever. My arms are ready and waiting to join Dad's so we can hold you and all of your sisters together, the way we were always meant to be.
All my love,
Mom
