100 Percent

Yesterday started with the doctor calling and leaving a message. I was in the shower when he called so I listened to the voicemail as soon as I got out. He said you were having difficulty breathing and your oxygen requirements had climbed to 100 percent. I was shocked and my heart dropped and then I thought, "Call and see if he's still at 100. Maybe he just went up for a minute." So I called but you were still at 100 percent. I fell to the floor and just cried. I cried and prayed and cried some more. 

In the moments on my knees I was very humbled with the reality that your life is not in my hands. I am reminded that I have no control over your outcome. I prayed that if it was your time to return to heaven that you wouldn't suffer. I prayed for you to feel my love. I immediately called and texted daddy and he went to you right away. Your sisters had their awards ceremonies (first one in half an hour) and I didn't know what to do. I knew dad was with you, that he would tell me if I needed to come ASAP. I knew how important the awards ceremonies were for your sisters so I did my best to stop crying and go to the school. Your oxygen went to 95 percent and I was strengthened enough to go and be there for your sisters. They are such sweet girls. I am so proud of them. It blows my mind that my bed rest started in September at the very start of the school year. Their teachers have been beyond amazing throughout the entire school year. We are forever grateful to them for being their second moms. 

Your chest sounds weren't good and your lungs seemed very wet. Dr Nystrom gave you a dose of LASIX along with steroids. Dad stayed with you and held your hand. He gave you a blessing and stayed by you all day. He said while he was holding your hand you opened your eyes, looked right at him and smiled from ear to ear, then went back to sleep. He said it was the biggest smile you've ever given him. That just melts my heart. It's as though you were aware and knew he was there and you wanted him to know. By the time I got to the hospital you were at 57 percent oxygen. 

This entire week has been very hard emotionally. I have spent many many moments crying in daddy's arms at night, crying on the bathroom floor, and crying at the hospital. So many babies being born and going home, babies in the NICU making progress and being so close to going home and just feeling tired. Then yesterday you going to 100 percent seemed to come out of nowhere. I love you, Caleb Luke. While I don't know the way things will go, I am grateful you are still here. You're in our family for a reason. Heavenly Father has a plan for you. Sometimes I wish I knew that plan. It's just human nature. But I don't and there is a reason for that. I need to have faith and keep going. You're my son forever and always and that will never change. What a blessing you are to our family. I love you all the way to heaven and back. 

Xoxo

Mom