Quite the Scare

I got to the hospital this morning and you were wide eyed. The nurse had you dressed in one of your new onesies and I loved it! I held your hand, changed your diaper, and then they got you ready for me to hold. We got you all situated and settled in and I was ready to just hold you for an hour and snuggle you. Unfortunately that wasn't what happened. After just a couple minutes you lifted your head up (you were laying on my chest on your tummy) and pulled away from the tubing. You tend to do this a lot lately but this time the tape was loose and when I saw you pull away I could see the tape coming off. You acted like you were going to gag and your stats started dropping and dropping. So I gave you to the nurse and she called another nurse. The one nurse asked the other nurse to grab the bag that they use to inflate your lungs. When that happened and the nurse swore I knew it wasn't good. I stepped into the corner and cried while they called the doctor. I could see you heart rate dropping even more and the alarms were going crazy. I knew I needed to leave the room to call dad. I stepped out to see all the nurses running down the hall. Everything happened so quickly.

I wanted to get on my knees to pray but a nurse didn't want me to be alone so she stayed with me. About 2 minutes later the doctor came into the room where I was and told me not to worry. He had re intubated and your stats were coming back up. Somehow the tube had been pinched or blocked so you were unable to get the support you needed. They had to put a mask on you and pump oxygen through a rubber bag until they had you re intubated. It was quite the scare. I called dad to let him know you were stabilized and he arrived soon after. 

It happened so fast and it was surreal. You see things like that in the movies but you usually don't live it. All I can say is I am grateful for added strength, I'm grateful for doctors and nurses that worked quickly to save you, and I'm grateful you are still here. One minute you were wide eyed and chillin, which is when I took this picture. 

5 minutes later you were crashing because you couldn't get the air you needed. If only you knew how much I love you. How much we love you. But I think Heavenly Father lets you feel of our love. I really do. I pray that you can feel our love and that you are strengthened. 

I hope you can stay content while you are intubated. Some babies have to be sedated because they can't handle the tube. You've done amazing so far. Depending on your oxygen levels over the next few weeks we will know if you'll be given a trach or not. If you're the same as you are now when we get to your due date/1-2 weeks past then you will most likely need a trach. If you improve then we look at CPAP. You are such a sweet baby, Caleb. You've been through so much your first 7 weeks of life. You are so strong. It's so hard to see you so sick. It's so hard not to be able to help you. There are no words to compare my love for you to. No words to describe how much my heart loves you. No way to measure it. I would do anything for you. 

Hallie was crying for you today. She's worried about her baby brother. Audrey asked for a picture of you to take to school so she could put it on her desk. When I told Audrey that today was really hard and yesterday had been so good she said, "then maybe tomorrow will be good!!!" I hope so. I really do. 

Xoxo

Mom