One Year Ago

Just over a year ago (September 10th) we found out we were having a baby boy, you, our Caleb Luke. A week and a half later, on September 21, was when the complications started. I had never had any complications with your pregnancy previously or any of your sisters. 

The Saturday, one year ago, was normal and then suddenly everything was different. When I saw all the blood i just kept saying, "no no no." That day changed the direction we thought we were headed. And so the most difficult roller coaster began. Honestly it is still going but it's like we are now on 2 tracks at once. We are still on the "caleb track" that will always continue with our different stages of grieving and heartache and we have also begun a new track since expecting your baby sister. 

We found out last week (September 14th) that we are having a baby girl. Our lives are on a completely different course than we ever thought we would be on just over a year ago. Where we are now is a much different place than what we anticipated last September. I pictured you here with your sisters doting on you, giving you bottles and snuggles and waiting on your every beck and call. I pictured raising you here on earth, not in heaven. However, Heavenly Father has guided us and comforted us throughout the journey and He is still guiding us today. Without Him and my loving savior I would be lost.

After experiencing the last year it makes this pregnancy extremely hard. The thoughts and feelings I have are different than any other pregnancy and they are so hard to understand let alone express. I know how quickly things can chance. How one minute youre heading in one direction and seconds later you may be heading a completely different way. I try to hold to what I know, not what I don't. 

I am so grateful I was chosen to be your mother. I'm grateful to be the mother to your sisters already here and the other coming. There is a children's song the girls learned in primary a few years back. It's a new favorite. "God gave us families to help us become what he wants us to be. This is how he shares his love, for the family is of God." I truly believe that through our families and experiences with each other (trials included) that God shapes us into who we need to be. But we have to be willing to have faith and be willing to submit our will to his when it is necessary, always trusting in him. The savior helps us when we fall short or none of us could stay on the course that leads to eternal life. That destination i desire never changes and I try to keep that end in sight. It is the eternal perspective that allows me to change directions as trials come keeping my eye on my hearts desire. This last year has helped me become more of who God wants me to be. And with your sister coming there is even more to learn. There is always more to learn. 

I love you, caleb Luke. 

You're at the destination I desire with all my heart and I can't wait until I see you again. 

Xoxo

Mom