He said that while the odds are significantly better at 28 weeks, 90 percent survival with 10% disabilities, that because my water broke we don't know how his lungs will function. My situation is not the normal scenarios and statistics. He spent the next 15 minutes talking about how I could go even longer into the pregnancy but that until he is born we just don't know how his lungs will function or if they will function at all. I felt like I was suffocating. This was supposed to be an awesome encouraging talk. Anytime he would give me any statistic he would mention that we just won't know until he's born. I know you have to be realistic but I feel like you have to balance realistic with hopeful. The balance was off and after he left I burst into tears.
I couldn't help but think of all we have been through and sobbed at the possibility of still losing this sweet baby. But as I cried and thought about things I couldn't help but feel like that isn't the way this story will end. I can't help but feel that Caleb is strong and being strengthened and he will be a fighter when he is born. I've come too far, we've come too far, for me to just focus on the negative. While it is something to be comcerened about there are so many more positive things that have happened, miracles, that I will not ignore. I will continue to pray that Caleb will be born at the right time. I will continue to put my trust in Heavenly Father.
There is in opposition in all things. Obstacles in the way. Blocks to stumble on. Around every corner is something unforseen. I can choose fear. I can worry about things and allow pessimism to take root or I can choose hope and faith. If I lived life focusing on things that go wrong and expect the worst it would be a miserable life. If I trust in The Lord and have faith in Him, with hope in whatever is to come, life is rich and beautiful and worth enduring. During this experience there have been so many things that have been devastating, however there have been miracles to counter them. I see the Lord's hand throughout the pregnancy and I trust Him.
I told Caleb to keep fighting. I'm going to keep fighting. We will get through this, one day at a time.
Xoxo
Me
YOU ARE MY HERO!!!!!!!! I am so sorry... so sorry you were there alone getting that news.... I take that back.. not alone, just no one else you could see in the room. I am sorry you felt like you were suffoctaing. I am sorry there is so much unknown to us... BUT I choose hope. There is always hope. Caleb is a special spirit and a strong baby. Heavenly Father is in chage and nothing is gray or unknown to him. It will turn out as it should. I know you will be blessed, strengthened and uplifted through all of this. I love you. You are NEVER alone. Never. Half of my heart is in Dallas at ALL TIMES. xoxoxoxo I love you.
ReplyDeleteLeah, you are an inspiration to me, and to lots of people. Caleb and the girls are so blessed to have you as their mom, and Zeb as their dad. We are all in this together, and we're growing and learning about trusting Heavenly Father. I believe we're going to see a good outcome, and I hold on to that. I feel calm and happy when I think about Caleb, and I love you and your family more than I can express. Mom
ReplyDeleteWhen you first went to the hospital, I think I said to you that I hoped you would still kick off the baby boom of 2014. I still hope that, and with each week I'm more positive that you will. This doctor has to cover his own butt and give you the worst-case-scenario. Don't listen to him. What he doesn't know is that you have legions of people fasting and praying for you, and you have already seen miracles to keep Caleb alive. Caleb will be fine, and I am excited to meet him. And a year from now we will line up all of the 2014 babies on someone's couch and take a picture, and Caleb will be the first.
ReplyDeleteThings have a way of working out. You're an amazing mom, and Caleb is lucky that he is yours! I'm sorry that you had to be alone when you heard those things, but you've both held in there for this long. Good things will come your way!
ReplyDeleteLeah, the hope and blessings you have honored and clung to are still there no matter what news the doctors may tell you. Caleb is not a baby meant for this world in a haphazard sense; Heavenly Father has a plan for him and knows him as a grown spirit. Trust that. My situation here is certainly not about life and death, but when James and I try to find closure when worry starts to creep in or are told things that feel like the roof is falling in, despite all - Heavenly Father continues to bless us with our needs even when all support should have been taken away. It's stunning and humbling and it magnifies the truth that nothing can happen, no matter how difficult can change what God has in store. You have been chosen to be Caleb's mother Because of WHO you are - and every experience gives you exactly what each one of your children need for their path into this world and adulthood. Caleb is no different. And should you get to have had or remember conversations pre-earthlife, I know he would say, "I love you, Mom. Everything is all right." I love you, Leah. <3
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