Everywhere

As the song, "Sky full of Stars," becomes more and more popular it plays quite often. It plays everywhere.  Its a wonderful thing because it reminds me of you but it is also very hard because sometimes the feelings that the song brings (the last few weeks with you and the last night with you) make it very hard to keep from crying. The feelings and emotions that swell in my heart come to the surface so vividly and then the ache takes over reminding me you are gone. 

We went to the Texas State Fair a few days ago and boy was it hot. The girls had a great time though and I loved watching their excitement. Dad was working hard on a 200 million dollar deal that closed that same day. Talk about stressful. Sheesh. Your dad is amazing. While we were trying to find the petting zoo, "Sky Full of Stars," came on and my heart just longed for you. I burst into tears. Hallie was next to me and cried too. I was able to pull it together pretty quickly so everyone else at the fair we were with didn't notice. 

At the end of the afternoon when we were leaving the song came on again but I was able to smile and think of you without sobbing. 

Sissies with Big Tex...

Shopping day was an adventure. I went to Walmart with Julia and the power went out because of a storm. So we had to leave our cart full of groceries and go home, but not before we took a pic together. 

When we went back today to get the groceries again we stopped at Costco to fill ink cartridges and your song was on again. 

I didn't realize until after that you can't see the tv image very well in the pic but it's Cold Play singing. "Sky full of stars." Julia danced in the isle and my heart swelled with love for you, sweet boy. 

After running errands the song came on again as we pulled into the garage and my emotions overcame me. Julia and I just cried together. She asked why Heavenly Father needed you in heaven and said she wished you would have been able to breathe so you could have stayed here. It's amazing how quickly my emotions can get under control when one of your sisters is crying for you and needs me to be strong. Not that it's not okay to cry together, we do, but usually your sisters need me to help remind them of your special purpose and I am grateful for the strength I'm given to be able to do that.

Although today is not the 5th of October, which is when my water broke last year, it IS Saturday which was the day it happened. The first weekend of October is conference weekend for our church every year where all members watch the conference that is broadcasted across the world. We listen to our church leaders via lds.org and are edified and uplifted through talks, songs, and prayers. I was listening to conference on the couch while on bed rest when my water started leaking. Conference will always bring thoughts and emotions about your short but beautiful life. 

As Fall comes every year I don't know why exactly but I am always overcome with feelings of excitement and happiness. The smells and colder air instantly bring those feelings. Maybe it's times from childhood, maybe it's that that was the time of year that your Dad and I started planning our wedding, or maybe it's that the holidays are around the corner and everything the holidays mean. Whatever the reason I love the fall. But as I felt the cold air and inhaled the smell of fall the feelings of excitement and hapiness started to come but were immediately cut short and the ache in my heart and longing for you came full force. It was so hard to think about Fall without you here, to feel the excitement for a moment of holidays but then realize a part of me is gone that will always be missing until I see you again. You have a piece of my heart that only belongs to you. So do each of your sisters and your daddy. No one will ever replace the piece that is yours. 

I am, however, very grateful that I am with your sisters and daddy at home right now.  That this pregnancy is going well so far and that I may be able to spend this time of year with them instead of in a hostpital bed. That was tough last year. I am grateful for all the blessings Heavenly Father so graciously gives us. The blessings I am given are endless just as my love for you is.

I love you, Caleb. 

Forever and always. 

Xoxo

Mom