When I least expect it

Some days my emotions come out of nowhere. With no warning they come to the surface as though they've been waiting for the chance to break through. The difficult thing is that because they come out of nowhere, there is no warning. Like today. I was able to see Caleb (I haven't seen him in 2 days and haven't held him in 3) and got to settle in for snuggle time. He was so tired from his busy morning that his oxygen needs were higher and he was just plain pooped. He wasn't interested in looking at me, his eyes were instantly heavy and he just wanted to sleep. I love to snuggle him and don't mind if he's awake or asleep. I was just sitting there holding my sweet baby boy, so in love, when I heard the nurse say to another mom, "guess what we did today? We extubated baby and she's on CPAP." Out of absolutely NOWHERE my heart ached so longingly for those words to be for me. Or just to know the clear path to recovery. I was so happy and content holding my son and then I heard those words and burst into tears. Although my heart felt so broken the tears came with silent sobbing. Thank goodness for that, I can't imagine everyone in the nursery hearing me. 

I have determined that being a grown up is hard. Life is really hard. And when we are going through difficult trials it seems that they will never end. But I have also come to know that life isn't about forcing ourselves to get through the trials. If we do, our hearts aren't in a place to learn from The Lord. If those trials last a long time, let's be honest they last longer than we want and some are lifelong, then there would be a large part of our lives where we didn't have joy. Life is still happening around us and it is up to us to remember to live life and enjoy it. Although we can be strengthened by the grace of our savior, we still have to take an active part in choosing and finding joy in blessings we DO have. Many times it takes a tremendous amount of effort. In fact some days I don't want to give any effort at all but within a few hours I realize how inhibiting and destructive that way of thinking is. 

Just like there is always someone to compare my situation to and see how others have what I desire, there is ALWAYS someone that has things even harder than I do. If I choose to focus only on what I don't have, I'm the one that suffers. If I choose to find gratitude in things I have, despite the difficulties I'm facing I will come away feeling happy instead of sad. Grateful instead of miserable. That doesn't mean I love the things that have happened, or that it's not hard to have my son in the NICU for months and months with no idea whatsoever of when he might be able to come home. But it means that I try my hardest not to dwell on the heartache. I have a good cry and then brush off my knees, or at least I try. I look for the sun peeking through the gray skies that are dark and gloomy and focus on that little sliver of light. Light always overpowers darkness. Always. But if my head is always down it will take much longer to find it. In fact, if I don't look up I may go my whole life without finding the light at all. There are blessings every day. The Lord sends me tender mercies. After all, I know after a storm there comes a rainbow. 

Here is one of my rays of sunshine...

I hope all of you reading this know how special you are. I hope you feel of our Savior's love for you during your own trial. I am grateful for each of you, even strangers I have never met, and want to thank you for praying for our family. 

Xoxo

Leah