Some Things

There are some things that are too hard for me to let go of when it comes to you. There are things that I hold tightly to because they are links to you. When these things change because I don't have control over them it's extremely hard for me.

When I would visit you in the hospital I took pictures every time on my phone and I would take the good camera every few weeks (if I would have known you were going to return to heaven when you did I would have taken the nice camera every single time). Because I took pictures so often you were constantly on my photo stream and in my camera roll. I remember when there were too many pictures on my photo stream after you passed away and your pictures were booted off the stream for the new ones coming in. That was a very hard day for me. I couldn't change it. It just happened. Those pictures were a link to when you were here.

I sleep with your super hero blanket almost every single night. The one Dad and I held you in all through the night the night before you passed away. I won't wear or wash the shirt I was wearing when you passed away. I wore it the day before you passed away and since you were so sick I held you all night in it. When we woke up in the morning I kept it on and I hated taking it off when I went home that night without you in my arms. I won't ever wash it. It's in the top of my closet and that is where it will stay. Those things link me to that night when I held you tightly and kissed you all night long.

I miss calling the NICU every night before bed and every morning with dad to check on you. I said your medical record number so many times I didn't think I would ever forget it. How could I? But then time passed and one day several months back I was thinking about how much I missed calling about you and I realized I couldn't recite it. It was a terrible moment and since then I have recalled your number and recite it in my head at least once a day because it links me to you. I will never forget that number until the day I die. I won' let that happen again.

After you passed away I didn't delete any voicemails that I had at the time on my phone from when the doctors would leave messages. Even though I didn't listen to them I saved them and would just look at the phone number on my phone. I needed them there. When we bought new phones and transferred my SIM card to the new one it deleted all messages that were in the inbox. I realized this a few days ago and was devastated. My eyes filled with tears and I stood up to go sob in my room and dad said, "Wait, let's see if we can get them. Don't leave," He is such a smart man. I am too emotional to think straight. So he pulled up support on the computer and found out the he could retrieve 4 messages for free at random. So dad downloaded the 4 that were randomly chosen and we started listening to them. The first one was from Doctor Nystrom. My heart started to fill with happiness. Then the second one was from Dr. Nystrom. Score! I was smiling at this point. So we listened to the third. I kid you not, it was from Dr. Green!!!!!! I was ecstatic. Our two favorite doctors we were able to retrieve voicemails from. The fourth voicemail was hard to hear so we played it again and realized it was from Nurse Megan calling to say that Katrina (the OT) was going to wait for me to come in so we could feed you bananas together. I was beaming.  All 4 voicemails were about you. Out of almost 18,000 voicemails the ones chosen randomly were all linked to you. I am so grateful for this tender mercy. I have them saved on my computer now and I won't ever let them be deleted. They are links to you.

EVERY time I am in the car and I change the temperature up or down I think of your ventilator. Oh my goodness that ventilator was so hard. The numbers were always up and down and I wished so badly I could truly control them. It was near impossible to not let those numbers rule my emotions because I wanted you to get better so badly. Every single day for over 200 days I would watch the PIP, watch the oxygen, and watch the PEEP. I would watch the nurse or RT turn the number up or down over and over and over again. So whenever I turn the temperature up or down in the car I think of you. It's funny because some RT's and nurses don't like odd numbers so they would turn the oxygen concentration to an even number. That's what I do in the car. 5's are okay but I always do even numbers if its not a 5. Those numbers are a link to you.

I sure miss you. I went through videos of you this morning and just watched you over and over. I realized I hadn't taken still shots of the videos so it's like getting a whole bunch of pictures of you that I didn't have. Feels like the best present ever. I won't go through all of them right now because I want to save videos so I get new pictures again and again. I am so grateful for all the videos of you that I can create new pictures with. It's a link to you.

Those are some of the things that I won't let go of. Things that are links to you, my sweet boy.  Oh I I love and miss you. If you only knew. 

I started getting a few lovies in the mail yesterday and a dear friend brought a few by. She even brought a few dozen hats she crocheted for the preemies to take when we go. I am so excited. I am humbled by the love and generosity of others. Lovies are a link to you and I am beyond grateful for everyone that wants to participate in the lovey drive. It makes my heart leap each time I get one. I can't wait to take them to the fighters in the NICU next month. 

Today is world prematurity day. It still blows my mind that I had 5 pregnancies that were completely "normal" and had my water broken for me. Yet your pregnancy was so complicated and out of nowhere my water broke at 19.5 weeks. You, my sweet son, are our preemie. You were such a fighter and I remember looking into your eyes and seeing your soul. I could feel and see your giant spirit that was so pure and strong. I know you are doing amazing things in heaven. Thank you for being our very own angel.

I love you to heaven and back.

xoxo

Me