Leading Me

Crazy that a year and 3 months have passed since you went back to heaven. It's hard to wrap my head around. I remember posting last summer about how hard it was to meet new people and the awkwardness of not knowing how many kids I should say I have and if I would be able to tell them about you without crying or having a super hard time. As time has passed I have noticed that things have changed in that regard. I am able to tell people right away that I have 5 girls and a boy in heaven. The silence isn't awkward because I am beaming inside of myself because I get to talk about you. For me, talking about you is therapeutic. I love talking about you, remembering you and hearing others do the same. I am so grateful in the change that has come and how I long to tell people about you.

I try and stop people from saying things before they stick their foot in their mouth but sometimes that isn't always the case and they do anyway. The other day I was at the store buying Claire something to wear for family pictures and a lady and her mom were in line by me. The mother commented on how I had THREE girls and how that was just crazy and so busy...alluding to the fact that girls are just so hard. Before she could go off any further I wanted to tell her that I actually have 5 girls. So I said, "I actually have 5 girls. I AM SO BLESSED." She agreed that I am blessed but just didn't grasp that blessed is blessed and the gender is a moot point. She then looked at Lexie and said, "You were supposed to be a boy." WOW. Her daughter was embarrassed and I could tell. Without being mean or spiteful I wanted to make sure this woman knew to think through things a bit more next time she met someone so I just simply said. "Actually I do have a boy and he's in heaven." She was apologetic and I just smiled. Sometimes I am floored at the things people say. I really just don't understand. But that's okay, I don't need to. Maybe as people meet me they will come to learn that my girls are all blessings. That I wouldn't trade any of them for a son or another son. That I do have a son and that I miss him more than I can express but that he is our very own special guardian angel. That I love being a mother of girls and they are my companions. That I wasn't having more children to have a boy. That my children are perfect because God sent them to us. That it isn't, "your poor husband." He's actually immensely blessed, they are just blinded. Dad and I were chosen to be each of your parents.Each of you are our biggest blessings. Lexie wasn't a surprise, just an unexpected gift. Our personal reminder of God's grace and love.

Your sisters hear every single thing strangers say and sometimes I want to cry for their little hearts. I can't imagine hearing, "Oh my, you have 5 girls? Your poor husband. Are you going to try for a boy? Good luck with 5 girls. Oh my." If anything it doesn't matter what those people think. But by golly your sisters are going to grow up watching me defend them. Defend my love for them and their place in our family and hearts. Defend that we are blessed beyond measure. I refuse to let them grow up thinking they are "mistakes" or that they should have been boys. They are ours, perfectly chosen for this family and loved beyond measure just they way they are. Strangers may have insensitive comments but my hope is that what I say next will push those comments out of their minds and my words will be written on their hearts.

I stumbled upon this video several times this past week but didn't watch it until today.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6Mtpk4jeVA
It is a female A Capella version of Amazing Grace.
It took my breath away and left my heart full of the Savior's love and grace. I have ALWAYS absolutely loved this song. But when I listened to it today it's as though it's words became written in my heart. I honestly have never heard a version with these words and they are beautiful. They spoke straight to my heart. What I have experienced over the last year and a half has completely changed me. The depth of gratitude I have for my Savior is at a level I didn't know existed.
When I heard these words I wept:

"Through countless danger, thoughts and fears, I have already come. God's grace has brought me safely here and Grace will lead me home."

"His mighty hand shall be my stay, His strength with me abide.  And though I shall stumble day by day He shall not leave my side."

"This earth will one day melt like snow, the sun refuse to shine. Yet God who sent me here below will be forever mine. You'll be forever mine."

Caleb a mother losing a child is so heart wrenching and difficult, beyond anything I can even explain. With everything surrounding your miraculous entrance into the world I just assumed part of that miracle would be raising you here on earth. I never really fully entertained the idea that you wouldn't make it, I didn't want to. My hope and faith were always in the forefront of my mind and heart. When we did a fast and prayer 2 days before you returned to heaven I honestly thought we would see you improve. But ultimately it is God's will that trumps everything. The beautiful thing is that I whole heartedly accepted His will and had been preparing to accept it for your whole near 7 months of life. Dad and I both knew on Monday, the day before, that you were going to go back to Him. But instead of fear in those moments I felt God's perfect grace. And it is what sustains me and will lead me back to Him and you. His strength abides with me each and every day and I know He doesn't leave my side. It's how I am able to function and live without you. I was so worried that I loved you too much to say goodbye but the Lord's grace is so perfect that it strengthens me enough to keep going. In those moments that I held you in my arms in the hospital room as you were taking your last breaths I still thought, "He could be healed. No one would be able to refute that it was a miracle. No one." But deep down I knew it wasn't your plan, you were needed in heaven. And I am not angry that you went back. I'm not angry that you aren't here. Oh my goodness I am sad but I am not angry.

God's grace is sustaining me and leading me and I trust Him. The words to the song reminded me about where I am and where I've been but ultimately where I am going. Oh how I look towards the day I will be in the arms of my Savior with you held tightly in mine.

Oh how I love each of my precious children.

xoxo
Mom