The last child is dropped off at school. It's just me and Lexie at home. As I walk through the house I can't help but notice the clutter that has accumulated in every room. I feel as though things multiply over night. There's so much to do. I hear Lexie in her room trying to go to sleep. Sweet Lexie is not a napper. She struggles and I struggle. Hearing her cry rips into me. I just want her to sleep. I just need a few minutes. Just when I think she is calm the wailing starts over. Each time leaving me more anxious and frustrated. I pull out the donuts I bought at the grocery store and start crying as I eat them for breakfast, wishing they gave me the comfort that I am seeking. I have no idea how I have managed to not gain 100 pounds in the last year or two. Eating for me is how I get through a lot of things. I hate that I love food, I hate that I turn to it on a regular basis. Another post. Another time.
It seems as though I'm failing right and left at motherhood. I have felt like this for years. But it is intensified 100 fold when I have a baby. Having my sixth seems to have done the trick at putting all my inadequacies under the most powerful microscope I have ever looked through. No matter how much I do, there is always more to be done. No matter how many times I am patient, there are so many times I am not. No matter what I clean, there is always more than I can get to. No matter how much energy I have, it doesn't last as long as I need it to. No matter how much time I use to accomplish things, there is never enough of it. No matter how much I teach my children, I should be teaching them more. No matter how many times I tell them I love them, I feel as though I am not gentle and kind enough. The list is never ending.
Losing a child has its own set of struggles. Most are incredibly obvious and extremely hard to live with. But one of the hardest things that most people don't know about is the guilt that a parent lives with when trying to apply what they know to be true and coming up short. You see I know that life is short. I know that each moment is precious. I know what it's like when you have to say goodbye and see your child for the last time. I know what it's like to not get any more moments in this life with one of my children. Knowing those things and experiencing those things is hard. But even though I know those things to the core I am still human and come up short in applying them completely to life with my children that are still here. And I am so disappointed in myself for that. I can't expect myself to be perfect yet I feel like I should be because of what I have experienced. It's a very hard thing that I am still trying to work through, quite frankly I think this will be life long.
The weight and importance of motherhood is something I am constantly aware of. I want to do my very best at it. Always. All the time. I wish I could see the things I do, not what needs to be done. Focus on the teaching I did, the patience I had, the fact that I deeply desire to be better instead of being content with subpar. Maybe part of being a good mother is the intense desire to be better. Oh how I love my children and long to be who they need me to be.
Motherhood brings me closer to Christ. We need the savior to fill the gap in Motherhood the same way we need Him to help make up for our mistakes and sins. We have a place where we are trying to be as a child of God, to live with our Father in Heaven again, and the Savior is our bridge. We want to be the mother God needs us to be but we cannot get there without the Savior. Anything we really want in life that is of any importance or eternal significance is attainable only because of Him. And those things all take work. A lot of work. And faith. And strength. And then some. It is amazing how much I am learning about just how vital Christ is in my life. A lesson I am taught over and over. I am humbled by his grace and mercy.
Just as the list of things to do or get done as a mother are never ending, so is the Savior's love for us. For you. For me. His love is unconditional and perfect. He is the bridge to who we want to be and where we want to go. Shockingly there are times he carries US on our journey. Lifts us when we are weak. Comforts us when we are weary. Strengthens us perfectly so that we can keep going. He knows how to succor us because he has walked in our shoes and traveled the same path. Sometimes I wish things were easier. That life didn't have to be so hard. Some days are harder than others. Some days I want to crawl into bed and never come out. Some days I feel like a complete failure. But amidst all we go through and endure we have never been asked to do it alone.
So let's keep going. Keep trying.
We've got this, right?
One day at a time.
xoxo
Me
Even though you feel your inadequacies, I'm sure - at least I hope - you already know that you're an amazing mother and a great example. Obviously no one is perfect, and I know keenly the feeling of having gotten 95 things right and forgotten 5 and then feeling bad about it. But still - you're great and you're not alone in your feelings.
ReplyDeleteI can just sign love, Auntie Angie at the bottom of your post. I have felt so many of the same feelings. Bottom line. You give your best effort to your family and the Lord and He knows that, your children know that. I know that. And deep down in your core, I know that you know you have done your best. It is good enough. I love you will my whole heart. How I wish I lived next door and could rush over on the bad days and eat donughts with your for breakfast and cry alongside you. How I wish I could be there on the good days and laugh and hold Lexie and help with kids and shop with you often. How I wish I was there every day in between the best and the worst of days. To say I miss you is pointless because it doesn't come close to how I feel. Love love love you. SO proud of you. And so incredibly proud to call you my sister and friend. I love you.
ReplyDeletexoxo,
Ang
You are incredible and I admire all that you do and who you are. I hope that for my own 4 children, I can be like you, always trying to be the best mother I can be. But just know you are an awesome and amazing mom, which I'm sure you already know is very much loved.
ReplyDeleteI feel you! It doesn't matter how many kids you have or how awesome you are the being the mom (and you're pretty darn fabulous at it), kids can still give you a run for your money. My toddler seems to have it in for me these days. Perhaps he just wants to secure his position as the last baby??
ReplyDeleteIt sucks. That's all there is to it. BUT... you ARE doing it. Whether or not you feel like you are, you are. And that's what counts. Sometime, okay a lot of times, I feel like we moms who have to say goodbye to our children much sooner that we should, deserve a "get out of jail free card" but the reality is, we don't, and although we have been through and continue to go through this heart wrenching trial, we still get the everyday "life is hard" trials too. Leah, I love you, I can only say that, having been through this and am still going through it, keep on keeping on like you are. Keep reminding yourself what an amazing mom you are, that perfection is not realistic, as much as we want it to be. As much as we know the pains of not having all of our children here on earth, perfection won't make it better. I have had so much to let go of and need constant reminders to let things go, and remind myself that Atticus loves me and is proud of me for waking up each day and trying again. Just like Caleb is of you. I love you.
ReplyDelete