Empty Eggs

Holidays are bittersweet when a mother has a child in heaven, when a father has a child in Heaven.

Caleb, there's no way to truly explain the joy and excitement I feel celebrating with your beautiful sisters and the simultaneous heartbreak and devastation that immediately follows when I think of you not being here. Before you were born I didn't think it was possible to feel such joy and heartbreak in the same moment, but it is. And a mother with a child in heaven experiences it time and time again. It's shocking that our hearts can take such pain.

As I gathered all the things together for Easter, baskets, eggs, and goodies, I set out your basket like I always do. Lexie questioned if you were going to be here because it's confusing to her. As I set the baskets out last night I realized that yours is strikingly different. There are toys that accompanied you in your hospital bed. Eggs that our dear friend put out for you on your first and only Easter on earth. There are eggs that I have collected over the years every time the girls find eggs that I think you would like. Super cool ones like Storm Troopers, CARS, basketballs, footballs, Spiderman and the list goers on. Oh I wish I could see you play with them. See the excitement on your face. But it's the eggs in your basket that are different, not because they have a different pattern or shape. Different because your eggs don't have anything inside. The girls eggs are filled with candy but yours are empty. Heartbreakingly empty.

But last night I immediately reflected on what else was empty at Easter. 3 days after He suffered and died for us our Savior's tomb was empty. There was nothing inside. He was Ris'n, just as He promised. He overcame the world and broke the bands of death. Because of Him I will get to see you again. Because of Him we will all be together again. Because of Him my heart won't always be broken. My favorite song right now is, "There is Peace in Christ."

There is peace in Christ
When we learn of him
Feel the love He felt for us
When he bore our sins
Listen to his words
Let them come alive
If we know Him as he is
There is peace in Christ

He gives us hope
When hope is gone
He gives us strength
When we can't go on
He gives us shelter
In the storms of life
When there's no peace on earth
There is peace in Christ

There is peace in Christ
When we walk with him
Through the streets of Galilee
To Jerusalem
Mend the broken hearts
Dry the tear-filled eyes
When we live the way He lived
There is peace in Christ

Caleb (and my sweet girls) , I give you my testimony that He is our hope, our peace and our shelter. He lives. When I feel like I can't go on He is the only one that gives me hope. I am thankful that your empty Easter eggs reminded me of the gift our Savior gives to every single one of his children. The sacrifice He lovingly gave each of us is awe inspiring. We will all live again because the Savior's tomb was empty. Because the Savior's tomb was empty I will hold you in my arms again. Kiss your chubby cheeks and hold you forever. My arms are ready and waiting to join Dad's so we can hold you and all of your sisters together, the way we were always meant to be.

All my love,
Mom

Hard

I have found that the older I get the harder Mother's Day is for me. Now that I have a child in heaven it just gets harder. I feel like Morher's Day causes me to see my faults under a magnifying glass and notice all of my flaws. When I think about not being able to spend it with one of my children it makes me feel so devasted I can't even express the pain I feel in my heart.  Yet my other amazing children that I do get the privilege of spending it with I feel as though I am failing.

I know that Mother's Day is to show appreciation and love for the Mother's in our lives (whether biological or not) and celebrate them. It's not meant to be a day for mothers to feel like they should be perfect and down because they arent. I wish I felt more adequate to receive such praise from my girls.

If only my children, each of you, knew how much I love you and how hard I try to be the mother the Lord needs me to be. I love each of you more than words can express, more than there are sands in the sea, all the way to heaven and back. I will keep trying each day my hardest, and relying on the Lord to help me and strengthen me along the way. My savior is my light and my song. He leads me through life and gives me unconditional grace, love and mercy.

I miss you my seeet boy.
So very much.

Xoxo
Mom

Your 3rd Birthday Party

We celebrated you in full swing. 

It was so nice to be with family this year but we sure missed 

our NICU and Texas families. 

We started with a photo booth but our family is too big for the backdrop!

Love that nieces and nephews could come!

Your cousin Cohen is an awesome poser, he always cracks us up.

Aunt Michelle looks amazing! I think she should be a professional wonder woman.

Even Ollie wore a superhero mask!

You birthday cake...

..and cupcakes. 

Although I was too emotional to sing to you Maddie really

wanted to. So we sang and cried. I hope you heard us.

 The family all got superhero necklaces to remind them of you!

 We were able to collect enough lovies for the 49 babies in the Utah Valley NICU!

We are so grateful for the family and friends that help us do this.

 Here's the crew of cousins. Wishing we had all the cousins in the picture.

 Lexie has the biggest sweet tooth!

 Partying it up!!!

We love you, Caleb. Happy 3rd birthday!!!!

xoxo

Mom

3 Years

Your third birthday is a day away
I miss you more than words can say

I wish you were here to celebrate
with frosting and cake all over your face

I remember like yesterday just when you were born
My heart eager to meet you yet incredibly torn

The doctors didn't think you'd make it that night
I remember my confused and desperate plight

But make it through the night you did
while Daddy stayed by the side of your crib

Days and months somehow passed by
Dreams of taking you home with us set high

Day after day our arms remained empty
Our burdens seemed hard and sometimes too heavy

I thought the miracles surrounding your birth
meant we would get to raise you on earth

At near 7 months your path became clear
And grateful we were to have time with you here

To hold you, love you and kiss your sweet face
Those blessings were given by God's very grace

At just 6 months old you were given your wings
Because you were meant for incredible things

As I think of you, Caleb, my angel above
I am grateful to feel of my Savior's deep love

For even when life doesn't go how we think
God is always there if we seek

With the pain and grief always there
The savior somehow makes it possible to bear

One day I know we will see you again
And so I'll just have to wait until then

I love you to heaven and back

xoxo

Mom

Burdens

Our church is doing #lighttheworld where we serve in 25 ways for 25 days to share the light of our Savior this Christmas season. Today we are encouraged to share an experience when prayer helped us  carry a burden. What immediately enters my mind is when Caleb was still here and he was so sick. I remember going to the hospital day after day hoping he would get better but being weighed down with the uncertainty and the reality of his situation. That burden was so heavy. So many days I would just sob when I left, or sob when I held him, or sob when another baby went home, or sob when I read a story that turned out differently than ours, or sob when I was in my closet, or sob on my way to see him. That time in my life was excruciatingly painful. Some days I didn't know how I could keep going. I said a lot of prayers. There were days my tears stopped quickly, my heart and mind were comforted and a calmness came to me that was from somewhere else. That comfort and peace came from my savior and I know he helped  me carry my very heavy burdens. Even now I am burdened with the loss of my only son. The pain and heartache continues daily, some days harder than others. It is still a heavy burden. But I still receive a comfort and peace from my Savior. I am forever grateful for my savior and the light he gives me in my darkest hours. He is the light of the world. How special he is to me in my life.

Perfectly Patient

I think one of the hardest things about losing a child is the heartache you experience because you're human when interacting with your children that are still here.

I know what it's like to hold a child for the last time. I know what it's like to hold my son and watch him take his last breaths. I know what it's like to have to hand my baby to a kind man in a cold metal room and have to walk away. I know what it's like to see my child for the last time on earth. All those things are hard. Excruciatingly hard.

Knowing, feeling and experiencing those things have made a part of my heart break and remain broken. As I try to live with that broken heart, with a part missing from me, it's hard. Unbelievably hard. I get to spend time with my 5 amazing daughters, kiss them and hug them and spend hours and hours with them. But knowing, feeling and experiencing what I have with Caleb makes me feel guilty, exponentially more than I did before losing him, for being human with the children still here. I don't want to yell, I don't want to lose my patience, I want to savor every single moment with my babies. I know what it's like to blink and not get any more of those moments. But I'm human. Losing my child did not make me a perfect mother. Losing one child didn't make me perfectly patient with my others. Oh how I wish it did.

Feeling to the core that each moment is precious and longing for more time with one baby makes me feel so terrible about the moments I fail with my babies that are still here. I wish I could do what I know and feel. I wish I could think straighter when my kids are acting up. Love deeper when they won't go to bed. Be kinder when they fight. Bite my tongue instead of snapping. Be present in all of my interactions. The list goes on. And on.

Living day to day knowing what I know, but acting and falling short like I do, make me feel like a failure. Mom guilt for falling short is real, it's seriosuly tough. Mom guilt for your imperfections and desire to be perfect for your children is on a level I can't even explain after you've had to bury a child. It is one of the absolute hardest things after losing a child. I think what I have learned the most, and am still learning, is that I need my Savior more than I ever truly realized. Because of Him I can and get to try again tomorrow. Because of my imperfections I recognize how much I need Him. How much he strengthens me. He is my advoate and will make up the difference if I keep trying each day. I am so thankful for my Savior and his grace. For his abiding and constant love.

For now I will keep trying. Goodness its hard. But we all know life isn't easy. We make the best of our circumstances and try to make each day better than the last, knowing and trusting that the Savior will make up where we fall short.

xoxo

Lovey Delivery

I can't believe it's been 2 years since I held you in my arms. I miss you deeply and love you fiercely. I'm so grateful and proud to by your mother, son. 

We went to Jordan Valley NICU today. Aunt Amanda works there and when you were in the NICU after you were born she was always asking the doctors there questions about your case. They were so great to answer her question and help us understand things. 

I sure wish you were here in person to give these lovies to the fighters with us. 

So grateful for our family and that we will all be together again one day. The knowledge that families are eternal keeps me going. 

Ellen was the doctor that Amanda constantly consulted and talked to. It was great to meet her and thank her in person. 

We loved having Aunt Amanda take us around her NICU. 

We loved feeling a connection to the NICU since we couldn't be at yours. We really have a place in our hearts for every single NICU. You spent your entire life there and I'm so grateful for the memories we got to make together. 

I called auntie Angie this morning to see if she could make us something to take to the NICU explaining why they are getting a lovey. She made this with the words I wanted and it couldn't be more perfect. So grateful. 

I love you, Caleb Luke. 

To heaven and back.